Steps to Overcome a Fear of Commitment
Get to the root of your fears. A fear of commitment is often the result of negative past experiences or traumas. The first step to confronting and overcoming your fears is identifying these causes. Take some time to think about the events in your life that may have led to the development of your commitment issues. Go over your past relationships. Did you have any particularly messy breakups? Did a partner’s infidelity deeply wound you? Think about your childhood. Was your parents’ marriage happy, or did they fight often? Did they go through a divorce when you were young? Did you feel neglected or alone when you were a child? Did your caregivers emotionally support you, or were they absent? All of these things can contribute to a fear of commitment.
Consider working with a therapist. It can be tough to tackle your commitment issues on your own, especially if they stem from a serious issue like childhood trauma. A licensed therapist or counselor who specializes in relationship issues or attachment theory can help. For example, if you developed an avoidant attachment style in childhood due to neglect from your caregiver, it may be the root cause of your commitment phobia. A therapist can help you work through this. Ask your doctor or check with your insurance company for a list of in-network providers to find a therapist near you. You could also type “find a therapist” into a search engine to help you locate one. If you’re in a relationship, consider going to couples counseling. Commitment issues can put a strain on your relationship. A couples therapist can help you navigate these difficulties, communicate with each other more effectively, and come up with a plan for the future.
Have realistic expectations, and stop making comparisons. Some people avoid committing because they’re afraid there’s a better match out there, or they have an idealized vision of how the relationship should look. There’s no such thing as a “perfect” relationship, and it’s important to remember that every couple deals with setbacks from time to time. Remember that the depictions of couples you see on TV, in movies, or on social media are often idealized and not realistic. Try not to compare your relationship to these representations, and instead focus on connecting with your partner.
Practice open communication with your partner. You might try to hide your reluctance to commit because you’re afraid of offending your partner, but this does more harm than good. It’s important to be honest and voice your fears, so that you and your significant other can get on the same page and work through your worries together. If your partner asked to take things to the next level and you’re afraid, try to be open about this, rather than just shutting down. For example, you could say, “Last night you asked me if we could start talking about moving in together, and I’m not sure I’m ready for this step. I’m feeling a little afraid.” Actively listen to your partner’s response to show that you’re present and that you truly value their opinion. For example, they might say, “Every time I bring up marriage, you shut down. I don’t know if you’ll ever want to get married.” In response, you could say, “It sounds like you’re worried I won’t ever be ready for marriage. That’s not what I’m saying—I’m just saying that I’m not ready right now, but I want to work through this with you.”
If you’re single, pursue the person you’re truly interested in. Often, people with commitment issues do not pursue people they really like because they’re afraid of getting into a real, serious relationship. Instead, commitment-phobes often find themselves having flings with people they don’t have a lot in common with, or people they don’t see a future with. Pursue someone who shares your values. Common values help you build a strong foundation in a relationship. These may be things like a shared culture or faith, the value you place on your careers or family, or character traits you both value in others. Take a risk and put yourself out there. While rejection can be painful, it's not the end of the world. See the setback as a chance to make yourself braver. If the person you are interested in is also interested in you, great! Just be sure to let them know your preferred pace. You could say, “I really like you and want to get to know you better, but I’d love to take things slow. Is that okay?”
Look for a partner who understands your needs. For example, if you know you’re the kind of person who needs a lot of alone time and likes to take things slow, look for someone who will be respectful, patient, and understanding of what you’re going through. This means being upfront about your commitment issues (and the fact that you’re working on them) from the get-go. Although this may be scary, hiding your fears just causes more issues down the road. Be direct and open with the person you’re dating, and if they’re the right person for you, they’ll understand!
Examine other areas of your life for possible commitment phobia. Note any areas in your life that cause you frequent stress or anxiety, and consider whether commitment issues could be to blame. Does your fear of commitment in relationships also show up in other parts of your life? If you see a pattern, you may want to discuss this with your counselor or therapist to break the cycle. For example, you may be renting an apartment because the idea of owning property and being “stuck” somewhere is terrifying. Or, you may struggle with staying in one job for a long period of time. Think about ways to make these types of commitment phobia easier for you to manage. You may find rewarding yourself for sticking to a plan is the key to your consistency. If you stay in a job for two years, for instance, you could reward yourself with a cruise.
What does it mean to have commitment issues?
People with commitment issues avoid long-term relationships. Also known as gamophobia, a fear of commitment can develop at any point in life. Those who suffer from it are often hesitant to take romantic relationships to the next level, instead preferring to keep things casual or undefined. This makes it difficult for them to form deep, lasting partnerships. The term gamophobia comes from the Greek words “gamos,” which means marriage, and “phobos,” which means fear. Though this phenomenon is most commonly talked about in a romantic context, those who have it may struggle with making long-term plans in general. For someone with a fear of commitment, things like choosing a college, pursuing a specific career path, or picking a place to live may be very difficult.
What causes commitment issues?
A fear of commitment can stem from a number of causes. For some, commitment issues come from past traumas or difficult experiences in childhood. For example, if you witnessed the divorce of your parents at a young age, this may have caused you to form negative feelings about marriage and long-term partnership. Or, if your caregiver was regularly absent or neglectful, you may have developed an avoidant attachment style, which can lead to difficulties with commitment in adulthood. Other possible causes include: Fear of rejection or fear of being abandoned Negative experiences from past relationships, such as infidelity or difficult breakups Fear of losing independence or individual identity Differing from your partner when it comes to priorities or the pacing of the relationship Worries that there is a better match for you out there Unrealistic expectations about what a relationship should look like
Signs You Might Have Commitment Issues
Difficulty forming lasting romantic connections may be a sign. Take a second to think about your romantic history. If you’ve had a string of short, casual relationships, but you tend to break things off when they get too serious, this could indicate that you have a fear of commitment. Here are some other signs to look out for: You don’t like to think about the future when you’re in a relationship, and talking about things like marriage or moving in together freaks you out. You’re careful not to say “I love you” to the person you’re dating. You’re hesitant to call anyone your “girlfriend” or “boyfriend,” preferring instead to keep the relationship undefined. You continuously question your relationship, asking yourself things like, “Am I really ready to settle down,” or “Do I really love them as much as I think I do?” You can’t stop thinking that there might be a better match out there for you, even when things are going well with your partner.
Signs Your Partner Has Commitment Issues (and What to Do About It)
If your partner is distant or avoidant, it may be a sign of commitment issues. As licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Kim Chronister explains, “You can often tell that a person has a fear of commitment if they’re generally avoidant. Look for signs such as ghosting, avoiding questions about future plans, or not initiating contact.” Other signs include: Reacting negatively or shutting down when you try to deepen the emotional connection. Abruptly trying to end the relationship if you suggest taking things to the next level (becoming official or exclusive, moving in together, getting married, etc). They avoid saying they love you and avoid calling you their boyfriend or girlfriend. They’re reluctant and vague when you try to make plans for the future.
If your partner has commitment phobia, communication is key. Dating someone with commitment issues can be tough, but there are definitely steps you can take to work through things together. The most important thing is to foster open communication with your partner. Talking through things together in a supportive, non-judgmental way can help you get on the same page. You may also find couples therapy helpful. Your therapist can help you communicate effectively with each other and come up with a plan to tackle your partner’s commitment issues. Individual therapy may also help your partner get to the root cause of their fear of commitment, and learn how to face it.
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