- A relationship becomes strained when one or both partners aren’t getting what they need from each other due to a lack of trust, communication, or other issues.
- To begin healing your relationship, work on communication. Check in with each other regularly and discuss the root cause of your tension and your feelings about it.
- Then, come up with a solution you both agree on and try it for a specified amount of time. Check-in and tweak your plan to suit your changing needs.
What makes a relationship strained?
A relationship can become strained when one or both partners can’t get what they want or need from each other or the relationship. One or both partners may not know what they want, or it may be that communication has broken down so far that neither partner knows where their relationship stands. In general, strained relationships are challenging or confusing and often involve conflict, disagreements, unaligned expectations or goals, and/or mismatched feelings compared to more stable relationships. The chaos of a strained relationship often seeps into other areas of one or both partner’s lives and may negatively affect their career, personal life, and other relationships. Some aspects of strain, like conflict, criticism, or pressure, are also linked to increased depressive symptoms. Relationship strain can come from factors inside the relationship (like a lack of trust, differences in priorities, non-reciprocal appreciation, or attitude) or external factors like financial problems or traumatic events.
Strained relationships go beyond typical relationship problems. Even the most healthy and loving partnerships experience conflict or “rough patches” from time to time, but this doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is strained. Most couples face issues like money problems, parenting differences, a lack of quality time, or even more severe problems like addiction or infidelity. If partners can communicate peacefully and resolve their issues over time, their relationship remains fairly stable; if they cannot and instead turn to increasing conflict or anger, the relationship can become strained. In strained relationships, differences in values and strengths can drive a wedge between partners. In stable relationships, partners can appreciate each others’ differences and handle them in non-destructive ways.
Signs You’re in a Strained Relationship
Lack of trust When trust breaks down, you may feel distant from your partner (especially if you trusted them before and had your trust betrayed by something like infidelity or a disregard for the boundaries or “rules” of your relationship). A lack of trust can lead to emotional instability, conflict, or even the end of a romantic relationship. Trust is one of the most critical components of a healthy relationship. If you feel as though trust can never be repaired, it’s a sign your relationship is strained and may not be salvageable.
Breakdown of communication Along with trust, healthy communication is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship. Communication is multi-faceted and each couple’s needs may vary, but a breakdown in communication can include one or more of the following: A complete lack of general communication or communication that is superficial and lacks any personal or emotional content. Keeping secrets from one another. Withholding communication as a punishment (often considered a sign of veiled anger). Subjects that are off-limits or that you’re afraid to bring up or discuss with your partner.
Unresolved issues The inability to peacefully resolve problems or conflict is central to a strained relationship. This includes problems or arguments that never get resolved because one or both partners refuses to acknowledge or communicate about them (for example, one partner stonewalls the other whenever the topic of having another child comes up). It may also look like: An unwillingness to compromise (from one or both partners) on important decisions like household chores, parenting, or social activities. Responding to disagreements with passive-aggressive behavior instead of resolving the issue through communication. Persistent or recurring resentments or judgments that are never addressed.
Personal issues or insecurities Sometimes, relationship strain can come from one partner’s personal problems that may or may not be related to the relationship. For example, your partner may be too self-involved with their own feelings or needs and neglects yours (or vice-versa). Or, one partner may be deeply insecure and need constant validation or reassurance, which can be draining for the other and lead to feelings of distrust or unfulfillment. Insecurity can also stem from relationship issues, such as a pattern of flirting or infidelity from one partner.
Different goals, values, or beliefs While some differences can enrich a relationship, some are too significant to overcome (such as religious or cultural differences, parenting practices, or moral differences, or mismatched financial or lifestyle priorities). These major differences can leave you feeling isolated, emotionally or literally. Not everyone grows up with the same beliefs, morals, and goals, so there’s always room for debate or conflict in a relationship. However, it is up to each couple to determine whether they can live and love with these differences, or whether it’s best to go their separate ways.
Improving Communication in Strained Relationships
Recognize that improving communication is crucial. Jin S. Kim, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, explains that “the most important aspect of building and maintaining a healthy intimate relationship is to work on healthy communication.” He goes on to say, “Having conversations and discovering each partner’s communication styles, utilizing “I” statements, getting in a regular habit of expressing one another’s feelings towards each other, identifying triggers that lead to escalations, and how to best address these stalemates depending on each partner’s communication style can all assist in reducing tension.”
Identify how the relationship or issue is affecting you before talking. Chloe Carmichael, PhD, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City, emphasizes the need to examine the why or how behind tension in a relationship. “Make sure that you're really in touch with how [the] struggle is affecting you and that you're conscious of it. [Then] you can talk about it like a two-way street with [your partner].” She uses a couple going through financial problems due to one partner’s unemployment as an example. “[Ask yourself], how is it causing tension for you? If it's because, for example, it's a hardship on you financially—like if you and your partner share the bills and you're carrying [them] and that's what the tension is about—then that would be something to talk about with [them].” Get specific about the root cause of strain in your relationship and define what bothers you most. Anger and frustration are often reactions to deeper underlying emotions, so challenge yourself to go one level deeper and determine what you’re really feeling and why.
Ask your partner how you can help if their problems affect the relationship. Licensed Clinical Psychologist Dr. Chloe Carmichael explains, “I found as a psychologist that oftentimes, the best way to learn how to help someone is to ask them.” It may seem obvious, but simply asking how you can support your partner has multiple benefits. For one, it opens the door to finding actionable solutions to the problem they’re experiencing, whether it’s a mental health issue or financial woes. Second, Dr. Chloe Carmichael continues, it’s a way to “make sure that…you’re able to talk about whatever is causing tension in your relationship [as a couple].” Even if a solution can’t be found right away, just broaching the topic is a step in the right direction.
Schedule regular relationship check-in conversations. Acknowledging both the positive and negative aspects of your relationship constructively are important for growth. Try planning weekly conversations where you and your partner can openly and honestly discuss your feelings without fear of judgment or rebuttal. Begin by pointing out highlights and successes, then transition into the challenges you each feel. Always end by setting the date and time for your next check-in. Continue having regular chats even when things are going great—there’s always more to learn and appreciate about each other. Actively listen to your partner when they speak about their feelings. Make frequent eye contact, resist the urge to interrupt them or defend yourself right away, and acknowledge you’ve really heard them by paraphrasing or repeating back their key points.
More Ways to Improve a Strained Relationship
Express love and appreciation toward your partner frequently. Let your partner know you still care for them, even when you’re going through a rough patch. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Jin S. Kim says, “Communication is key, but isn’t always best conveyed through words alone. Having a discussion about how each partner would like to express and receive love (also known as “love languages”) can be valuable in not only learning about each other, but also to promote more effective communication.” Once you know how to make your partner feel loved, use that knowledge to show your appreciation for them often. Jin S. Kim continues, “Regularly expressing love for one another can help maintain a long and healthy relationship. Also, don’t be shy in being creative and thinking ‘out of the box.’ I believe the element of surprise can go a long way.” For example, if your partner’s love language is gift giving and receiving, come home from work one day with an unexpected bouquet or trinket to show you were thinking about them while you were apart.
Set and express reasonable boundaries to curb hurtful behavior. “Sometimes, it's about needing to set boundaries,” says Licensed Clinical Psychologist Dr. Chloe Carmichael. Going back to her example about an unemployed partner causing tension in a relationship, she explains, “if [their] difficult job search is causing [them] to drink a lot and sit around the house and become grumpy, then [the solution] is not necessarily about you helping [them]. It might be about you learning to tell them, ‘Look, honey, I support you and I care about you, but I don't want you to take out your stress on me.’” To set a boundary, first identify the behavior you won’t accept (like your partner getting drunk and being rude to you when they’re stressed out). Then, explain to your partner how that behavior is negatively impacting you and how you’ll respond when they do it. For example, you might leave the room or ignore them when they’re rude to show you won’t tolerate that treatment. Always follow through on your consequences to show consistency. Otherwise, your partner might see your boundaries as flexible and keep trying to violate them.
Focus on the values you have in common over your differences. If different beliefs are driving your relationship strain, tell your partner, “I don't want our [relationship] to become about our differences. I actually want it to be more about the stuff that we bond on,” says Licensed Clinical Psychologist Dr. Chloe Carmichael. Instead of intentionally pointing out topics to avoid, choose to start conversations about things that stimulate and excite your partner (or both of you). Dr. Chloe Carmichael says that if you must broach certain topics you disagree on, “consider having a rule that you're allowed to ask questions when you both share, but that neither one of you is going to try to persuade the other person.” Whether a difference of opinion or belief is a dealbreaker or not is entirely up to the couple. Some partners may not be able to reconcile their differences over finances or political views, for example, while others may be able to coexist peacefully.
Co-create solutions and try them without worrying about the outcome. Try to address both partner’s worries and preferences equally and make your plan of action specific and time-limited (for example, agreeing to spend 10 minutes each morning checking in with each other’s feelings for 1 week to improve your emotional connection). Don’t worry so much about whether it’s the “perfect solution”—your willingness to work together and try something is more important than the actual plan. If you sense that your partner is just going along with the plan passively, ask them how they really feel about it. If they have reservations, don’t press forward until you have a plan you’re both fully on board with. After you’re specified trial time, evaluate your progress and be honest. Say what you liked and what you’d like to change, then adjust your plan going forward.
Consider couples counseling. Sometimes, an objective, outside perspective from a professional can help pinpoint destructive patterns in your relationship and strengthen your communication with guided discussions and exercises. If your partner is reluctant to go to counseling, consider attending therapy solo. A relationship expert or therapist can help you navigate through your problems and find coping mechanisms that allow you to bring your healthiest self to the relationship.
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