Repairing the Immediate Damage
Take responsibility for what you did. If your partner confronts you about a lie, resist the impulse to get defensive or to justify your actions. Trying to deny the lie or make excuses will ultimately undermine your partner’s trust in you even more. No matter what your reasons may have been, take full ownership of your actions—admit the lie and don’t try to place the blame on anyone else. For example, you might say, “You’re right. I know I told you I wasn’t going to smoke anymore, but I gave in to temptation and had a couple cigarettes last night when I was out with my friends. I was afraid of what you’d think, so I lied about it when you asked me.” Ideally, you should own up to your lie before your partner finds out about it. Waiting for them to uncover the lie and confront you can ultimately make it harder for you to repair the damage. Always acknowledge your partner’s feelings.
Apologize sincerely for the lie. Tell your partner you are sorry for lying to them in plain and simple terms. It’s okay to offer an explanation for your actions, but don’t try to excuse yourself. Keep your apology clear and to the point, and use “I” language. A true apology should start with “I’m sorry I” rather than “I’m sorry you” or “I’m sorry but.” Try saying something like, “I’m sorry I lied to you about getting into that fender bender. I was afraid you’d be mad, but I should have just been truthful.” Your apology should not minimize the seriousness of the lie or place any blame on your partner for the situation or their feelings (e.g., “I’m sorry you’re so upset. It was just a little white lie.”).
Listen to what your partner has to say. After you’ve apologized, let your partner say their piece. They may be sad, disappointed, or angry with you. Although it might be painful to hear them express these feelings, it’s important to acknowledge their emotions and let them know you are hearing their concerns. Don’t interrupt your partner while they are speaking. Even if what they have to say upsets you, wait for them to finish before you respond. Show that you are listening by using verbal and visual cues (such as making eye contact, nodding, and saying things like “Right,” or “I understand.”).
Answer their questions openly and honestly. Your partner may want to know details about why you lied, or they might grill you about other times you were untruthful. Answer their questions to the best of your ability, without getting defensive or evasive. This will help make it clear to them that you are committed to being more honest and truthful going forward. If your partner feels hurt and betrayed by the lie, they may ask a lot of questions to try to help themselves come to terms with what happened. Be patient and do your best to answer, even if their questions seem repetitive or irrelevant to you.
Moving Forward in the Relationship
Practice transparency and accountability. In the aftermath of a lie, your partner will need to see evidence that you’re being truthful and not trying to hide anything. Take care to let them know what you’re doing and what you’ve been up to, especially in situations related to the lie. If they ask questions, answer honestly. For example, if you lied to your partner about going to the bar every night after work, check in to tell them where you are after you get off work. If you do something you know your partner won’t like, don’t cover it up—just let them know right away. They may be upset with you, but they will also feel reassured that you are making an effort to be honest.
Be consistent and reliable in your behavior. Apologizing and promising to make a change are good first steps, but they will not be enough. Demonstrate to your partner through regular and consistent actions that you have made a genuine commitment to being trustworthy. If you say you are going to do something, follow through and do it. For example, if you tell your partner you are going to be home by a particular time every night, make sure to be there. If something comes up that prevents you from being home by that time, call them as soon as you can and tell them honestly what happened.
Talk to your partner about setting some ground rules. Re-establishing trust will require some teamwork. Ask your partner to help you develop a list of things you can do to help them feel more confident in you and the relationship. Check in with them occasionally to make sure you are satisfactorily meeting those needs. For example, if you’ve lied about your spending habits, your partner might say, “I’d feel better if we could sit down and look at our finances together once a week.” When it’s time to do that, take the initiative and say, “Hey, it’s Friday. Should we pull up the bank account?”
Allow yourself to be vulnerable with your partner. It’s hard to stay honest if you’re constantly behind a defensive wall. Practice opening up to your partner about your fears, wants, needs, strengths, and weaknesses. The more you let your partner see who you really are and how you’re really feeling, the easier it will be for you to be truthful and for them to trust you. Being open may also help your partner to better understand where you are coming from. Being vulnerable does not mean being weak. In fact, it requires a great deal of bravery to open up to another person and really be yourself, especially if you’re afraid of judgment or criticism. If you’ve lied in part because of your insecurities about your relationship with your partner, be open about that, too. For example, you might say, “When I slip up and have a cigarette, I’m always scared to tell you because I know you’re going to yell at me and judge me for giving in.”
Give your partner (and the relationship) time to heal. Be persistent in your efforts to change, and don’t give up if your partner still doesn’t seem to trust you right away. You probably won’t be able to fix the broken trust in your relationship in a few days or even a few weeks. The timeframe will vary depending on the seriousness of your lie and the personalities and histories of you and your partner, but things should eventually get better if you stay consistent and honest. Don’t push your partner to “get over it” or move on before they are ready. A betrayal of trust can be deeply hurtful, and it’s important for you to acknowledge and respect the seriousness of the pain they are feeling. Even now, some of your actions may remind them of the time that you lied.
Getting Professional Help
Find a couples counselor. If you feel like the hurt and mistrust resulting from the lie are too severe for you and your partner to fix on your own, couples counseling may be a good option. Do a web search for counselors in your area, or use an online directory. A good counselor can help you work together to develop strategies for rebuilding your trust in one another. They can also help you determine the underlying causes of lying and mistrust in your relationship, and work with you on ways to resolve those issues. You may need to work with more than one counselor before you find one who’s a good fit for you and your partner. Look for someone who works well with your personalities, whose values mesh with your own, and who is focused on finding ways to help you overcome the problems in your relationship as a team.
Join a support group for couples with relationship issues. Support groups can be helpful because they give you a chance to meet and gain insights from other couples who are facing similar struggles. Ask your therapist or doctor to recommend a support group in your area, or do an online search for relationship support groups. Support groups can be either peer-led or run by a professional host or mediator (such as a psychologist or licensed clinical social worker).
Try individual therapy if you need help with your own issues. People lie for many reasons, but sometimes it can be a sign of a deeper underlying issue. If you and your partner have both worked hard to overcome any major problems in your relationship and you still can’t stop lying, it may benefit you to talk to a counselor on your own to get to the bottom of the problem and develop a plan to help you stop. You may lie because you are embarrassed to tell the truth, because it helps you feel more secure and in control, because you think the lies make you look better to others, or even because you feel the lie will help another person or prevent them from being hurt. Whatever the reason, a good therapist can help you find healthier and more honest ways of dealing with those issues.
Comments
0 comment