- Make your apology in person, if possible, or over the phone. A written apology is acceptable, but avoid sending it as a text, which often feels too frivolous.
- Open with “I want to say I’m sorry,” then tell them what exactly you’re sorry for. You might explain your actions, but avoid excuses or dodging blame.
- Listen to and respect the other person’s response, no matter what it may be, and tell them how you intend to make amends and change your behavior in the future.
Making a Sincere Apology
Set aside time for the apology, rather than making it an afterthought. Giving a hasty, impersonal apology is disrespectful and can make things worse. Even if you're busy and believe the incident is no big deal, it's important to set aside time for a personal, 1-on-1 apology. If you can, find a private moment to take the person aside and make your apology. If you can't give an apology in person, give one via phone call. The same rules apply here—clear your schedule, hold your other calls, etc. If you must, write a carefully-worded, sincere letter or email. Text messages are an absolute last resort and should only be used when the only alternative is no apology at all.
Open by expressing your remorse without making excuses. Get your apology started on the right foot by saying “I want to apologize," or, "Please forgive me.” This shows that you're serious and want to take responsibility, right off the bat. You might also say, “I owe you an apology,” or, “I want to make things right, if I can.” Avoid the temptation to dodge blame or "weasel out" of your apology. Skip phrases like, "I thought things would go differently" or "I guess we had a misunderstanding," which shirk responsibility. This can be surprisingly hard! It's never easy to admit that we've done something wrong or that we’re imperfect. However, it's the only way to go if you're serious about saying sorry. Clinical psychologist Dr. William Gardner says to avoid saying things like, "I'm sorry you're upset," since that language doesn't take responsibility for the action.
Identify clearly what you’re apologizing for. An apology isn’t much good if you can’t say what you’re apologizing for. Acknowledge specifically what you did, and tell them that you know it was wrong, so they know you’re sincere. For example, you might say, “I shouldn’t have gone behind your back like that,” or, “What I said was mean and unnecessary.” Clinical psychologist Dr. Gera Anderson adds, “If you do not regret your actions, apologize that your actions made the other people feel that way, for that was not your intent.” You might ask an uninvolved friend for their perspective to get a better idea why what you did was wrong, or even ask the person you hurt. You may be surprised to learn that what you think happened and what they think happened are two different things.
Offer an explanation for your actions if you feel it’s needed. There’s a difference between an explanation and an excuse—an explanation tells a person why you did what you did, while an excuse only tries to justify it. If the situation is complicated, it can help to explain what led you to your actions—false assumptions, errors in judgment, or letting your emotions get the better of you, for instance. For example, you might say, “I thought at the moment it might be a funny thing to say, but I see now that I misjudged and that my comment hurt you.” Or, say, “It’s not an excuse, but I want to communicate why I did that, because I realize it was wrong.” Expressing this helps you make it clear that you understand why what you did was wrong, and that you know to think twice about it in the future. Again, remember not to excuse yourself from your wrongdoing. You may also need to apologize for the bad behavior in your explanation, too.
Use respectful, conciliatory body language. Everyone expresses emotion differently, but take care to use positive and sympathetic body language throughout your apology. Hold eye contact, keep your tone steady and respectful, and respect the other person’s personal space. Avoid crossing your arms, rolling your eyes, smiling when it’s not necessary, or trying to touch them if they’re frustrated with you.
Listen to and accept the other person’s response. Even if you're the sole party at fault, remember an apology involves two people. Let the person you've hurt air any grievances you haven't addressed, and listen patiently and attentively, without interrupting. You might need to apologize further. Also, give the person space, if they need it, even if you’re apologizing to a close friend. Their response may be that they need time to think, or that they can’t accept the apology. Respect that, thank them for listening to you, and move on. Clinical psychologist Dr. Gera Anderson adds, “listen patiently to the person’s reasoning for why they believe they have been betrayed by you. Then, accept any responsibility for your part in the betrayal.”
Make amends and work to improve in the future. If your actions resulted in damaged property or other tangible harm, ask the person if you can replace or repair it. You might also need to explain your actions to others to repair the other person’s reputation. Then, make a conscious effort to avoid the behavior that led you to hurting them in the first place. For instance, you may need to give up bad habits like drinking if they lead you to bad behavior, or you may need to take steps to learn more about other perspectives and expand your mind. Communicate what you’ll do to change to the other person to assure them that you mean it. But most importantly, follow through! You might say something like, “I want you to know that in the future I’ll…” or, “From now on, I won’t…”
What if they don’t accept your apology?
Accept their stance, and avoid pushing the subject. Ultimately, the choice to accept the apology is theirs, and you can’t force things back to the way they were. If they decline the apology, ask for distance, or set other boundaries, respect them. You might, however, express that you’re still open to reconciliation in the future. For example, say, “I understand and respect your choice. If you ever want to talk about it again, though, I’m open to that.” Avoid further antagonizing them with things like, “I’m sorry, even if you can’t accept it,” or, “Well, I apologized, so I did the right thing.”
Strive to do better anyway. An apology, even a declined apology, is only worth anything if you make steps to change. Even if they don’t accept your apology right away, they’ll never accept it if they see that your efforts to improve stopped there. Commit to changing your behavior in the future, with other people, even if you’re not interacting with this person anymore. Avoid the temptation to “demonstrate” how you’ve changed for the other person. Let them see that naturally, if they’re open to it.
When shouldn’t you apologize?
Avoid apologizing for doing what’s best for you. Some people may take offense at you for simply existing, or for not doing enough to please them. This especially true for women, girls, and many minority groups, who are often shamed for “taking up space” or standing up for themselves. But simply existing is never something to feel guilty for. If you’re unsure, ask yourself, or a friend: Did my actions actually cause harm, or did someone else just think they caused harm? Am I being made to feel guilty for doing something I needed to do? Is the other person trying to control the way I live by demanding an apology?
Never apologize for something you didn’t do. Sometimes, people will demand an apology just to “get things over with” or to find a scapegoat. Other times, you may feel like you need to apologize just to avoid someone’s anger, even if you didn’t do anything. But these aren’t reasons to apologize. If you’re not at fault, it’s not your responsibility to make things right. Do your best to explain your perspective to a third party or someone in authority if you feel like you’re being targeted. Also avoid “over-apologizing,” or constantly saying sorry for minor, inconsequential things like stumbling over your words.
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