Focusing on the Present and Future
Live in the moment! Remind yourself those relationships occurred in the past and they didn't work for a reason. Try and focus instead on the present. Utilizing mindfulness techniques will help you to train your brain to stay in the moment. It will also help you to refocus when your thoughts drift to the past. Try a sense activity. Begin by naming things in the present moment that you can see, feel, hear, touch, taste, or smell. Repeat affirmations to refocus yourself on the present. Try “I am happy in my relationship now. I won't listen to my jealous thoughts.” Engage in mindful appreciation. Notice 5 positive things about your relationship that usually go unnoticed or unappreciated.
Reframe the way you are viewing your present. Reframing is a way to change how you view and think about things. Lately, you have been focusing on her past, but you are her present. Recognize that you, or the two of you together, have something she never had in her past relationship. She is choosing you over her ex by being with you. Choose her as well. Ask her what she values about your relationship. Notice if she is talking about a future with you. If so, then you know she is invested in your future together!
Try thought replacement exercises. Each time a thought about a past relationship or an ex comes up, try and replace it with a positive thought. There are things you love about her and your relationship. Whether you like it or not, her past comes along with that. Consider the fact that everything that has happened in her past has contributed to the person she is today. Accept her as a package deal, and try some thought replacement practices to help you get there. Think of a positive image you have about her, a great memory of something you have done together, or a feeling you have about your relationship together.
Focus on making new memories together. Put your energy into making new memories with your girlfriend. As you work on moving on from both of your pasts, build your future together with new activities, photographs, and memories. This will help you focus more on your present and your future together than her past. Go on a vacation together. Plan a day trip somewhere you have both been meaning to go. Pretend to be tourists in your own town. Learn something new together.
Solving the Problem
Know you are not alone. This is a common issue in relationships causing anxiety and something your girlfriend may be struggling with as well. Even if your relationship is otherwise going well, this can occur. Know that bringing it out into the open, while difficult, will be ultimately better for your relationship than keeping it hidden.
Express your feelings about the situation. Work on making sure you are not suppressing how you feel. If these feelings and thoughts are genuinely causing distraction or problems for you, you should not try to simply forget them. It's important to be open and honest and deal with what your are feeling in your relationship. You want to be able to feel totally comfortable and confident with your girl. By suppressing or ignoring your emotions you are risking they will come back up at a later time. By not opening up to your girlfriend and working through the problem you will just be shutting her out creating more potential issues between you two.
Bring it out in the open by talking about it. If you have determined that the patterns, focus, and behavior are being caused by you, you may find that you'd like to bring it up to your girlfriend. Bringing it up will give you the chance to let her know what you have been thinking about, and how you feel. Try to be open minded and consider what your girlfriend has to say about the issue. Mention how you feel and what's bothering you. “Hey, I've been overthinking something lately and it's really been bothering me, can we talk about it?” Talk to her about anything in your past history that may be contributing to your reaction to these issues. “This may be bothering me because in the past I...” See what her opinion is. “What do you think?” Ask her to help. ”I'm feeling like I might need some more love and support to move past this. It would really help me if...”
Find a solution. If you discover that the overthinking is due to your girlfriend bringing up the topic, it's time to talk. Let her know how you feel when she mentions her ex and give her a chance to explain. Take the conversation slowly, step by step and work towards coming to an agreement about how you can both change or how you can work on it to move forward. Open up the topic. “I've noticed something and it would really help me if we could talk about it so I can understand it better.” Acknowledge that you understand what she has said, by repeating it back to her and stating, “okay, I understand.” Advocate for yourself and how you feel. “When you bring up your ex or your past relationships, it makes me feel...” Figure out a compromise. “What can we do, so that we can move forward?”
Evaluating Your Thoughts and Feelings
Figure out when and why thoughts of her exes occur. Ask yourself why you are thinking about your girlfriend's past relationships. Identify whether you are thinking about them due to her behavior or your own. Is your girlfriend constantly bringing up her exes in conversation? Or perhaps you are creating this problem for yourself, by comparing yourself to the ex in your mind? To help you figure it out, try writing a list of what comes up. Next to each item on the list, write what was happening right before, what you did as a result, and what you could do differently.
Identify themes in your thoughts or conversations. In the past when you have talked about her old relationships or been overwhelmed with thoughts about them, see if you can pick out any patters or themes. Identifying any themes or patterns may help you determine why it is bothering you, or why it keeps coming up in conversation. When her past relationships come up, what are the usual topics? Is it more often focused on her sexual experiences with her exes? Perhaps there is something in your intimate relationship that you or she would like to work on or change. Does it have to do more with how she felt or feels about her exes? Maybe you are feeling insecure about your relationship, or she is feeling disconnected from you and is craving closeness. It is about how her family felt about a past relationship? Possibly you do not feel comfortable around her family, or she is experiencing some anxiety about introducing you to them.
Figure out what you are feeling. When you are thinking about your girlfriend's past relationships, how are you feeling? The emotions you experience may help guide you to what the real issue is. Here are some examples of how identifying what you are feeling can lead you to a deeper issue. Do you find you are comparing yourself to her exes? You might be feeling inadequate of down about yourself. Consider your self-esteem and whether it could use a boost! Are you worried that your girlfriend will "go back" to her ex? You might be feeling anxious. Consider the trust between you both and see if you could address any issues. Do you get upset or angry when you hear about their relationship or things they have done together? You might be feeling jealous. Consider how secure you feel in your relationship and maybe talk about any insecurities you are feeling.
Evaluate the effect on your relationship. Try and evaluate what these constant thoughts or conversations are doing to your relationship. It distresses you enough that you are looking for ways to solve the problem. Chances are, even if you have not talked about it yet, she knows there is something bothering you. Consider how you might be making yourself and your girlfriend feel. Is it setting her up to feel guilty? Remember the past is the past and she can't do anything to change what has already happened. Neither can you. Is is leading to fights or hostility between the two of you? Feelings of anger and resentment could be resulting from the thoughts and the complications it is causing in your relationship. Are you both happy in your current relationship? What are you both doing to try to help?
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