How to Persuade Your Parents to Do Something

Having the Conversation

Decide what you want your parents to do. You need to know exactly what you want to happen when you have the conversation. Do you want to go to a dance? Do you want a later curfew? Do you want to go out to a special dinner with your parents? Think about what you want from the conversation.

Write down what you want to say. It can even help to write it down. Make sure you have all the important details. Having details will help you answer questions. Answering questions will calm your parents down. For instance, if you want to spend the night at friend's house, you'll need to know if her parents will be there, when the night will start, what you'll need to bring, and when your parents can pick you up. It also might help to have a phone number for your friend's parents. That way, your parents can call her parents.

Pick a good time and place. You don't want to talk when your parents are busy. Pick a time when they have a moment to sit down with you. It should be a time when you can have their full attention. If you can't figure out a time, ask your parents when a good time would be.

Begin talking. If you keep trying to draw it out, you're just going to get more nervous. As soon as you get your parents together, just begin what you have to say. For instance, you could start by saying, "I have something I want to discuss with you, and I hope you will keep an open mind. I'd like to go to the dance this Saturday night." If you absolutely can't get it out right away, it's okay to start the conversation with something else, as long as you get to the point eventually.

Let them know what's in it for them. A good way to convince someone to do something is to tell the person what good it will do them.Think about how your parents will benefit from what you are doing, and bring that up. As an example, if you're trying to get your parents to let you go out for a night, you could say, "As an added bonus, you'd get the house all to yourself!" Another example is if you're trying to get your parents to eat out somewhere, mention their favorite dishes.

Speak the truth. If you try to lie or give a half truth, your parents may not trust you in the future if they find out. Plus, they know you pretty well, so they can probably tell when you're lying.

Talk about yourself. That is, you might have a tendency to blame your parents. Most people do in serious conversations. However, you should try to stick to what you're feeling or thinking, not what you blame your parents for. In other words, use "I" instead of "you." Say, "I feel upset when I can't go out when my friends do," not "You're awful for not letting me go out with my friends." The second one puts your parents on their guard, while the first one just expresses what you're feeling.

Back up what you say. If you can, have details to back up what you say. As noted in the previous section, having details about where you're going is important. But it's equally important to have details in other conversations, too. Having someone with more authority than you, such as one of your friend's parents, a teacher, or a researcher through an article, to back you up can help persuade your parents. For instance, if you're trying to convince your parents that you should be in the band, you could have research articles stating how music can help you do better in math. You could say, "As this research shows, being in band can help me do better in math. I'll let you have these pages so you can read up on it."

Hear your parents out. If you are trying to get your parents to do something they don't want to do, then hearing why may help you. Your parents may have good points to bring up about the problem. In turn, you may be able to deal with those problems by finding solutions.

Be civil. It's important that you approach your parents politely. Getting angry or upset will not help you convince them of anything. In fact, it makes you seem immature.

Moving On

Discuss a possible solution. To come to a solution, you both will probably need to compromise. That is, you parents might need to give a little, and you might need to give a little. If you both give in a little bit, you might find a solution you're both happy with. When you're trying to compromise, you have to figure out what both of you want or need. For instance, your parents are probably most concerned with your safety and well-being. You're probably most concerned with getting what you want, such as a little more independence. Say you want to spend the night at your friend's house. Your parents may not want you to because they don't know the parents and so, they don't know if you'll be safe. You can come to a compromise where you start out by everyone going out together, so your parents can meet her parents. Then, when you do go over, you can agree to check in with your parents every so often so they know you're okay. That way, you both can feel a little better about what you want. However, your parents might be unwilling to compromise if they think you won't be safe, so think about that when trying to make a compromise.

Accept their decision. You may not get what you want. Your parents may not be persuaded by your arguments. If that's the case, it's best to accept what they have to say for now. In the future, you may be able to try again. If you whine and complain now, it will make your parents think you're less trustworthy, not more.

Continue to have discussions. One way to help your parents understand how you're feeling on the topic is to discuss your feelings and thoughts openly with them. That doesn't mean that you nag them constantly about changing their minds. Rather, you need to have an open dialogue about why you feel the way you do. For instance, if you're trying to get your parents to let you go out more, don't say, "You're awful. You need to change this decision." Instead, say things such as, "I know you want to protect me, but I feel really left out when my friends go out without me. I don't want to go to parties or get drunk. My friends like to go out to coffee or to the movies, and I feel like these activities should be acceptable."

Gaining More Trust From Your Parents

Be trustworthy. That is, show up on time and do what you're saying you're going to do. Take up responsibility around the house. It's all these little things that will help you build good will with your parents, so they might be more inclined to say "yes" in the future. One way to build trust is to tell your parents the truth. When you don't, your parents may find out, and then they will be less likely to trust you. Another way to build trust is to do what you say you will. That means you come home on time. You are where you say you're going to be. When you say you'll do your homework, you actually do it. All of these small things add up to building trust.

Apologize if you betray your parents' trust. Your parents will let you know if you've betrayed their trust. Generally, it means that you've done something wrong in a situation where they believed you would act as you said you would without them checking up on you. For instance, if they trust you to go to your friend's house and instead, you've gone to a party, that's a betrayal of trust. When you realize you've screwed up, say "I'm very sorry that I've betrayed your trust. I know that it's worse than just breaking a rule because you've given me extra leeway. How can I begin to make it up to you?"

Prioritize your wants and needs. Your needs are what you have to have to live, which includes things like shelter, clothing, and food. It also includes things basic to your happiness, such as the support of your family and friends. Wants are what goes on top of that. Wants may include that new jacket you've been eyeing or going out with your friends on the weekends, when you often see them during the week. Just because something is a want or desire doesn't mean you shouldn't have it. However, you need to think about what you find most important in your wants. Maybe going out with a friend one weekend is more important to you than going to a dance the next. By figuring out what you want most, you're in a better position to talk to your parents. When trying to decide what's most important, think about what would make you saddest to miss or not to have. That's what's most important to you.

Choose what to push for. Just like your parents have to pick their battles when it comes to what you do, you need to decide what you're going to try to persuade your parents to give you. That is, if you push your parents on everything, your parents are more likely to push back and tell you "no." Try to pick just one or a couple of things that you really want, and then when you go to your parents with a request, you won't have already asked for ten things this week. It will help your parents know that you really do feel this subject or request is important. For instance, you could say, "I've been thinking hard about what's most important to me. While I understand that you don't want me going over to my friend's house, could we possibly go out to coffee? You can drop me off there if that makes you feel better about the situation."