How to Deal With Mean Parents

Asserting Yourself in Conversations

Take a moment to calm down before talking to your parents. You will not be able to get your full feelings out if you're yelling and screaming. Remember that people mirror behavior in a conversation -- the louder and angrier you get, the meaner your parents will get in response. If you cool off and act calm, they will too. If things are really heated, try and have the conversation an hour or so after the inciting incident -- don't deal with it while the "wounds" are still fresh. “I need some time to cool down. I am going on a walk around the block/go to my room/etc. Can we talk in 10 minutes?" Close your eyes and count to ten, taking a deep breath each time. It only takes a few seconds for your brain to calm down from the initial rush of anger. Listen to music that soothes you. Put on the music, close your eyes, and concentrate on your breathing to calm down.

Recognize and admit any wrongdoing to turn the conversation off of you. This doesn't mean that you just give up when they attack you, it just means that you offer them an olive branch. More likely than not, your parents are mean or angry because they think you made a mistake or disrespected them. Even if you didn't do anything wrong, apologize for the misunderstanding and offer to make things better. If you offer this first branch of peace, however small, you'll deflate their mean energy in an instant. All it starts with is an apology. "I'm sorry I forgot to call, that was my fault." "I shouldn't have broken my promise, I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to yell, I just feel like we misunderstood each other."

Listen to them without interruption. This might be the hardest part of the entire situation, but it is also one of the most critical. Sometimes a mean parent just needs to vent, and you, as their child, are always around to listen. While it can be difficult to listen without jumping in, 90% of the time a parent will run out of things to say if you just let them keep talking. Let them get it all out and, when they're done, offer your side of the story. Try to calmly remind your parents not to interrupt you when you're talking. If you can keep silent while they talk it will be much easier to ask them to stay silent when you want to speak. “I want to hear about what happened from your side.” Once you're able to understand their perspective, you'll be able to work together to make the situation better.

Repeat back to them the main ideas of their argument. If you can tell them in a cooperative and calm way what they said, it could help your parents trust that you understand them. This is especially true if you can show your parents how what they are saying connects to the bigger picture. Most importantly, it lets you take control of the conversation, re-framing their concerns in a personal light. "I can see now that you were worried I had gotten hurt when I didn't call." "I know that you're worried I might not have enough time to finish my homework." "I realize that you're only upset because you love me and want the best for me."

Walk them through your point of view. Most fights, anger, and meanness comes from parents who don't understand your side of the story. Instead of shouting, "you don't know me at all!" take some time to tell them where you are coming from. Lay out your side of the story in calm, rational steps -- it will be much harder for them to counter with anger if you're being reasonable. So stand up for yourself and let them know that there is an explanation. "I didn't know it looked like that. What I was actually doing..." "I just want to share my side of the story first." "I see where you're coming from, but from my perspective..."

Come up with solutions together to ensure this fight doesn't happen again. Don't wait for your parents to hand down judgment on you. Be proactive and make suggestions, working together to find ways to avoid future fights. You want to show that you are a part of the conversation, and you care about making things right. Even if you think your parents are totally to blame, this is a great way to get them on your side. Remember to keep things nice, deflating any meanness before it starts. For example: If you forgot to stay in touch with them, offer to give up your phone for a week if you forget next time. If they want you to do more chores around the house, come up with a list of chores you're willing to help out with, and when you can accomplish them each week. If they are intervening with your personal life, ask if you can have a friend or your partner for dinner or a movie so that they can meet them.

Recognize that your parent's "meanness" is just a way to show they care. In almost every situation a parent is not being intentionally mean. Instead, they are just trying to protect their child. Your parents love you, and their anger most likely comes from fear -- fear that you went missing, that you don't respect them or their wishes, that you aren't trying in school, etc. Once you acknowledge why a parent is being mean, it is much easier to calm them back down and make them happy again. Are your parents really being mean, or did they just make a decision you disagreed with? Similarly, are you being mean, or do your parents just disagree with your decisions? Think about this before losing your cool.

Asking for More Freedom and Respect

Make a list of reasonable, actionable requests. Simply telling your parents, "you are being mean to me," will accomplish very little. You need to have specifics on hand in order to make real change possible. Spend some time asking yourself -- what exactly makes my parents mean? What can we do to change things for the better? Do not think about this as a list of demands. You don't want your parents to feel like hostages. Think of a reason for each request. Let them know that a nickname they use hurts your feelings, or that you don't have time to clean your room because of homework and sports.

Find a quiet place to talk to your parents. Once you have calmed down, you should let your parents know that you need to talk to them about something important. Find a quiet place in your house where you can be alone and a time that works for your schedules, giving yourself at least an hour to talk. "I was wondering if we could have a talk in the living room alone after dinner." "I have something that I really need to get off my chest."

Let them know how their behavior makes you feel. They may not be aware that they are coming off as mean. Telling them how you feel may be enough to make them reflect on their own behavior and find ways to fix it. Be honest, open, and specific, using stories from the past to show them that this isn't just in your imagination. Rather than criticizing your parents, use I statements and express how you feel. For example, say something like, "Mom, I feel like you're dismissing me when you talk to me that way." You could also say, "Mom, I feel hurt when you yell at me." If you want them to listen, you need to be willing to listen as well. You may be surprised -- your parents may have similar feelings about you. Don't be accusatory or mean to them -- this will put them on the defensive and make them even meaner or angrier.

Stay engaged in the conversation, even if it gets heated. Nod along while they are talking, keep your arms and legs uncrossed, and make eye contact with your parents while they are talking. Using your body language to let them know you are listening will encourage them to talk and make you seem cooperative and calm. Looking engaged will help you seem mature and reasonable. Don’t sigh or use gestures that show that you are frustrated. Don’t fold your arms or legs-- this makes you appear closed off. Don’t doodle, look down at your hands, or fidget with something while they talk. Give them your full attention.

Make smart, realistic goals for all of you to reach for. Once you've let your parents know how you feel, hit them with your requests. Let them know that you want to develop these together and that you appreciate their input. If you have solid, real goals to work on it will be much easier to see real progress -- and point out if your parents are not following through on their promises. If you want more free time with friends, offer to only go out once your homework/chores are done. If you think you do too much work around the house, show them your schedule and offer to carve out specific hours to do their yard work.

Keep communicating, working together to build respect, each day. One conversation will not change your entire relationship. This will be an ongoing process, so be sure to keep checking in with your parents. Remind them of your promises, and hold up your end of the bargain to ensure that they hold up theirs. Revisit the conversation 1-2 months down the line. If things are going well, thank your parents for their support and respect-- positive reinforcement will work wonders.

Dealing with Chronically Mean Parents

Get inside of your parent's perspective. Try to be open to the way your parents feel about the situation and the reasons they have. More likely than not, you are not the only reason why your parents are acting mean. Just like you, they have their own stresses, worries, and relationships to manage, and it is inevitable that some of these tensions may boil over onto you. This is just part of being a family. Are there ways to help your parents deal with their stress? Maybe doing 1-2 extra chores will ultimately help them relax and make everyone happier. Are your parent's concerns or "meanness" really a big deal in the grand scheme of things? Are they just in a bad mood because of work, or are they truly cruel? Outside of small incidents, ask yourself if your parents otherwise support, love, and care for you? All parents can get a little angry, but this doesn't mean they hate you.

Stay calm and respectful, even when they are mean. If you jump into a fight every time you believe your parents are being mean, you'll just keep the cycle of anger turning. Everyone has tough days, gets into a grumpy mood, and mistakenly thinks someone hurt them. If you lash out at your parents every time they seem angry you'll just develop a pattern of meanness. Instead, just be yourself and pick your battles wisely. Go off by yourself for a few minutes if you're upset. Chances are good that, in private, you'll both forget about why you're angry.

Offer a buffer of positivity. Be the happy one in your household. Having this aura of positive, supportive thinking is infectious, and is proven to prevent bullying and anger from most people. All it requires are a few simple things: Thank your parents daily for something. A dinner, a vacation plan, a new softball glove -- all that matters is your gratitude. Let your parents know that you love them. A simple but thoughtful card on their birthdays, a quick hug before school, a brief "I love you" before bed here and there -- these little things add up and diffuse meanness better than anything else. Apologize when you mess up. Get in front of their anger and own up to your mistake. If you take charge of the situation you give them fewer chances to get angry.

Build a supportive group of friends outside of your house. If are any church groups, clubs, sports, support groups, etc. that your friends do or that you are interested in, you should find out when they meet and ask your parents if you can go. If you have a friend that goes to the group, ask your friend if you can go with them. These kinds of organizations can help you form a positive identity and purpose outside of your family. Getting out of the house is a great way to diffuse tension between parents and children. You have your own life to live, and don't need them to do everything for you.

Know when normal parenting crosses the line into parental abuse. The vast majority of parents would never dream of abusing their child, and the majority of disciplining, arguing, and punishment is not child abuse. However, you should talk to a guidance counselor, social service worker, or call 1-800-4-A-Child immediately if you experience: Constant belittling, bullying, name-calling, or verbal cruelty Feelings of horror or extreme terror in the presence of your parent(s) Feeling violated or unsafe. Beatings, attacks, or serious threats. Sexual assault or abuse.