Determining Why He’s Unavailable
Figure out why he is emotionally unavailable. For some men, emotional walls are products of a lifetime of social expectations that men should be physically and mentally strong. For others, certain life events may have caused him to put up walls. Consider what you know about the man you’re dealing with and think about why he might be emotionally unavailable. Remember, his lack of emotional expression does not mean that he does not love or care for you. Talk to him to better understand why he may put up walls. Common life events that can trigger emotional walls include previous relationships gone bad, unhealthy relationships with their parents, struggles with addiction, or a sense of failure at work or school. Understanding why a man is emotionally unavailable can help you target your approach for dealing with him. Men who are socialized to be unavailable may desire an emotional outlet that they just don’t know how to access. Men who are unavailable due to past pain are often trying not to get hurt again. Do some research on different styles of attachment and how different life experiences may impact someone's emotional availability.
Establish why you brought this man into your life. Think about what sparked your interest in this guy. What personality traits and characteristics initially attracted you? Understanding why you were drawn to this man, in particular, may help you identify some of your own emotional patterns. For example, if you got into your relationship because you liked the idea of a casual relationship with a lot of independence, you may have some emotional distance issues, yourself. Likewise, if you were hoping to change or fix him, you may be projecting your own emotional traumas or insecurities. If, however, you were interested in him because of mutual goals or interests like a shared love of cats, orange soda, and 17th-century Chinese literature, you may have entered into the relationship for the right reasons and found someone who just isn’t emotionally open.
Avoid trying to change him. An emotionally unavailable person can change, but that change has to come from within. You can say and do all the right things, and your man may still not decide that he wants to open up emotionally. He needs to decide that he wants to change for himself, and it’s not your job to guide him to that conclusion. If he does decide he wants to make a substantial life change, support him and offer words of encouragement. Just don’t expect those to be what initiates his desire to change. Remember, not all men will want to learn how to express their emotions in a way that conforms with your standards or expectations. Some may have even grown up in cultures or households that could prevent them from making this kind of serious mental change.
Navigating Your Relationship
Choose realistic relationship goals. Think realistically about the type of relationship you can expect from an emotionally unavailable man. If he says he’s working on personal growth and wants to try a committed romantic relationship, believe him. If he says he doesn’t really do relationships, believe him. Avoid pestering him about his feelings if he's already made his own desires and expectations clear. It’s alright to choose to have a mostly physical relationship or a fling with an emotionally unavailable person as long as you both understand that’s what it is. Don’t expect your fling to become your go-to for emotional support or deep conversation. Likewise, if you get into a relationship with an emotionally distant man, have realistic expectations about what he can give. Don’t rely on him for all your happiness or emotional well-being.
Model healthy emotional expression. Practicing healthy emotional expression can foster understanding a partner who wants to open up emotionally but doesn’t know how. Allow yourself to cry when you feel sad or smile and laugh when you’re happy. When you’re angry, let your man know. Don’t hold back your own emotions because you’re afraid you’ll push him away. This is also a chance to show your man that negative emotions don’t always lead to catastrophe. When you’re angry, let him know, “I’m upset about how you handled that situation. I need some time alone to cool down, then we need to talk about how we can avoid these types of incidents in the future.” Avoid blowing up at your partner or having strong emotional outbursts. You don’t need to conceal your emotions, but try not to let them overcome you. This can be intimidating to a partner trying to understand healthy emotions, and it could set the wrong example.
Set boundaries for what you will and won’t allow in your relationship. An emotionally unavailable man may rely on confidence, control, or seduction to avoid emotional intimacy. Minimize these forms of manipulation by setting clear boundaries about what you will and won’t accept as a part of your relationship. For example, you may request that you have sex 1-2 times a week to avoid your relationship becoming purely sexual. You may also set a rule that you won’t wait more than 15 minutes for him if he’s late. This can stop him from trying to charm you or make excuses when he does show up.
Respect the emotions that he shows you. If an emotionally unavailable man opens up and tries to express himself, even a little, it’s a sign of trust and effort. Respect his effort and avoid throwing his emotions back at him or involving others without his consent. If, for example, you and your man have a disagreement, don’t throw his emotions back at him. Strive to fight fair and use “I” statement about how you feel rather than accusatory “you” statements. Avoid inviting others into his emotions without his permission, too. If he tells you about a fear he has a work, for example, don’t bring it up when you meet him and his coworkers for drinks.
Caring for Yourself
Take ownership of your emotional triggers. You may get frustrated or triggered at times because your man’s responses and reactions don’t fit your understanding of how a relationship should feel. If your partner is making an effort to be more present, though, you need to take ownership of your triggers and accept that their response doesn’t have to fit your mental model. For your partner to practice emotional availability with you, he needs to be able to be able to express himself holistically. Encouraging him to hide those emotional reactions that frustrate or confuse you only encourages him to keep his walls up. It’s normal to get frustrated when your partner reacts in ways you don’t understand. The important thing is that you don’t try to restrict your partner because of this. Let him know that you weren’t expecting that type of reaction, but that you appreciate his efforts to be emotionally present.
Spend some time apart each day. Time apart gives you the chance to rest and recover from emotionally. You can also use that time for hobbies or activities that you want to enjoy without your partner’s judgments or criticisms. Budget time each day away from your emotionally unavailable man, whether it’s 2 hours to get a drink with a friend or 15 minutes to read the next chapter in your book. Taking some time for yourself can be another form of modeling positive emotional behavior for your partner. Emotionally unavailable people often value independence. Scheduling intentional time to be apart and together demonstrates that you can have both independence and emotional intimacy.
Walk away if you’re not satisfied in the relationship. If your man’s emotional unavailability is a drain on your daily life, it may be time to leave. All relationships have challenges. If you are missing something you value like emotional intimacy, though, and he has no interest in emotional growth, the relationship is unhealthy. Consider ending a relationship that hurts you or holds you back. Calling it quits may hurt at first. Remember, though, that if your man is truly emotionally unavailable, continuing your relationship not only hurts you more, it stops you from creating healthy relationships with an emotionally available partner.
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