Confronting Mean Friends
Prepare your thoughts about what you want to say. This can be easier if you have evidence of the mean behavior that you can clearly point out. Make note of specific patterns or recent changes in how your friend acts. Try not to make general statements about him or her being “mean”, instead name the behavior that upsets you. It may be helpful to write down your thoughts and edit the list so you know exactly what you need to say. Remember that it is the behavior that is negative; your friend is not necessarily a bad person. There may be reasons behind the behavior, but it doesn’t change the hurt feelings you feel.
Schedule a time to talk with your friends face-to-face. While it may be tempting to lash out via a text or make a quick phone call, it is better to have the full attention of the friend in person. Whether you wind up ending the friendship or coming to an agreement about how it can be fixed, meet face to face unless you are in fear of a physical reaction. If you have even a hint of fear about getting physically hurt, protect yourself and seek help..
Share your feelings. Use “I” statements to minimize defensiveness. You are asking this friend to own the behavior so you need to own how it makes you feel. An “I” statement could be: “I feel scared when I am screamed at, I need you to talk in a normal volume and indoor voice so I can focus on what you are saying.”
Offer a suggestion for how your friends can correct mean behavior. Remind this friend that you like him or her and want to reconnect in a positive way. You can help resolve the mean behavior by offering an example of how you would like to be treated. For example, you might say: “It hurts my feelings when I am laughed at because of the way I talk. Instead of laughing if I make a mistake you can help me fix it. I would appreciate knowing what I can fix about the way I talk.” Be aware that you can make suggestions, but the friend is the only one who can change the behavior. If he or she is not willing to change, there may not be a friendship worth saving. Regardless of if the friend ends up changing their behavior, sticking up for yourself and communicating that you feel disrespected is important in preserving your sense of self-worth and building healthy self esteem.
Call out rude or mean behavior in the future. Once you establish a boundary you cannot simply ignore when it is violated. Remember to always call out a specific behavior and not just someone being “rude”. The only way the friend can change assuming he or she wants to is if there is a clear definition of what you find rude when the behavior is happening.
Setting Boundaries with Friendships
Identify behaviors/remarks that make you uncomfortable. You are the only one who gets to make this boundary. You do not have to defend your feelings. You have every right to draw the line as far as behaviors you do not like. Drawing boundaries means this is not a negotiation. You expect for your boundaries to be acknowledged and considered. Be sure to make these boundaries known and establish what crosses the line with you. This is the only way you can hold the friend accountable if the boundaries are crossed. Think about what makes you feel disrespected and hurt and compile these behaviors to share with your friends.
Be clear with your friends if you don’t like joking a certain way. Everyone has a different sense of humor. Your friends may have been being light-hearted, but something that was said or done rubbed you the wrong way. If this behavior makes you feel bad about yourself, you need to speak up. For example, if you do not like this friend laughing at you when you fall down, say “Hey, my falling isn’t funny. Please don’t laugh.” If you feel uncomfortable with him or her making jokes that go against your own morals like those that are based on race, make it clear you will walk away from that type of joke and do exactly that.
Attend to your feelings when friends are being mean. Regardless of why the friend is being mean, you have every right to feel hurt by the behavior. Minimizing or ignoring your own feelings can put a great deal of stress on your health. You need to attend to your own well-being first. Do not let the friend make light of your feelings and do not try to hide them in order to keep the peace. That is not fair to you or the friend.
Seek support from a parent, older sibling, or school counselor. You may need help from another person so do not be afraid to ask for help. Getting support is even more important if you feel afraid for your safety at any time. Do not be afraid to take a gut feeling of fear seriously and seek help immediately..
Reassessing the Friendship
Recognize that you have a right to feel safe and secure in your friendships. You also have the right to maintain clear boundaries about what types of negative behaviors are not acceptable to you. Part of setting a boundary is following through with consequences if they are violated. Be clear about what breaking your trust looks like and what will happen afterwards. You are not being mean if you stand your ground and end a friendship because of this broken trust.
Decide if you want to keep being friends with mean people. There are no hard and fast rules as far as how long any friendship lasts. Sometimes, friendships just end for one reason or another. If you seem to have outgrown your friends because they are often engaging in bullying or immature behavior, you may choose to distance yourself. The biggest part of self-care is taking ownership of your happiness. There is no friend that is more important than your own happiness and security. Learn to tap into your own measure of stress and see what patterns cause you the most stress. If there is a friend at the center of much of the stress, move on.
Talk to someone about it that you trust. This may be another friend, a coworker or even your parents. Explain to this person what’s been going on and ask for his or her sincere advice. You might say “Hey, Mom. Were you ever friends with someone who sort of picked on you?...What did you do?”
End friendships that do not positively influence your life. Recognize friendships that have changed into challenging and draining battles. Use strong personal boundaries to step away from those negative relationships and spend time with people who are supportive and value what you bring to the table.
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