- Transactional relationships are business-like arrangements based on mutual benefit and need between two people.
- In a transactional relationship, both partners think of the relationship as an investment and have expectations that they expect the other to fulfill.
- One advantage of transactional relationships is the fact that both partners stand to benefit from them. However, they tend to lack authentic love and intimacy.
What are transactional relationships?
Transactional relationships are based on mutual benefit and need. Two people in a transactional relationship treat one another more like business partners than spouses or friends. Both parties enter the relationship expecting something from the other; therefore, transactional relationships are all about what partners stand to gain, not unconditional love for one another. For example, a couple that marries with the verbal agreement that one spouse will provide for the other and one spouse will make the other look good in social situations is in a transactional relationship. Transactional relationships are often defined as romantic relationships where couples approach marriage like a business deal. However, transactional relationships between friends, family, and coworkers can also occur. A transactional relationship can be any kind of relationship based on a mutually beneficial exchange.
Characteristics of a Transactional Relationship
Each partner has clear expectations about what the other can give them. If you enter a transactional relationship, it’s most likely because you both expect to get something out of it. That might mean money, social standing, legal status, power, or other perks. However, love and intimacy are rarely part of those expectations.
The relationship is centered around the benefits of being together. In other words, it’s quid pro quo—something for something. Both partners tend to focus on what they stand to gain from one another and what their partner can contribute to the relationship. If there’s no reciprocity, the relationship may end in disappointment.
You want to get more from the relationship than you give to it. In transactional relationships, it’s common to think of your relationship as an investment. You may want to feel like you’re making a wise investment and prioritize getting as much as possible from the relationship without considering what you can give back to your partner.
The emotional connection between you is minimal. Benefits and expectations are the bottom lines in a transactional relationship, which doesn’t leave much room for romance or intimacy. You and your partner may not feel strongly toward one another or have a deep emotional bond because you’re focused on the transactional details of the relationship.
You’re not on the same team as your partner. In transactional relationships, you and your partner are there for your reasons. Because you don’t share goals and are pairing up to work towards your own ambitions, it’s hard to feel like you’re a team. In fact, it may even feel like you’re competitors trying to see who can get the best deal out of your partnership.
You may sign a prenup before getting married. Prenuptial agreements are common among people in transactional relationships because they dictate exactly what you owe to one another and what the consequences of breaking your agreements are. Before entering a legally binding transactional marriage, many people get prenups to protect their money and assets.
You believe a good relationship is one that helps you reach your goals. For some people, a successful relationship is one with plenty of compassion, emotional support, and love. If you’re in a transactional relationship, however, you and your partner may instead feel like a successful relationship is measured by how helpful that arrangement is for you.
Transactional Relationships vs. Authentic Connections
Transactional relationships are self-serving, while authentic ones aren't. Basically, transactional relationships are about what you can get, and authentic connections are about what you give back to your partner. Genuine—or "relational" relationships are built on love, attraction, and the desire to be together. In transactional relationships, however, love and affection aren't important compared to things like money and status. For example, arranged marriages are often considered transactional because they tend to be decided based on social status, prospects, or a family's finances. In transactional relationships, self-benefit trumps emotional connection and generosity toward a partner. As such, transactional relationships are more likely to be manipulative than relational ones.
Benefits of a Transactional Relationship
Transactional relationships are legally secure. Because prenuptial agreements are so common in transactional agreements, both partners will likely uphold their ends of the bargain and give the other what they’re looking for. Also, it tends to be a bit easier for both partners to focus on the real reason they entered the relationship when there are no emotions to distract them.
You and your partner will both benefit from a transactional relationship. When both of you expect something from one another, that's a good way to ensure that you each profit equally. There’s less room for imbalance or inequality between you because you and your partner are both givers and takers in a transactional relationship.
Transactional relationships are often based on complete honesty. One key aspect of transactional relationships is immediately understanding your expectations of one another. This paves the way for openness and transparency between both partners since they’ll need to be straightforward with one another to ensure that each gets their needs met in the relationship. Honesty can help a couple—even one in a transactional relationship—resolve any issues without too much trouble.
Risks of a Transactional Relationship
You may not experience real love or fulfillment in the relationship. Love and commitment don’t matter in transactional relationships, which can make them feel more like jobs in the long term. Making the relationship about favors and expectations can suck all the romance out of it, and you may end up feeling unsatisfied by the lack of emotional connection. Not everybody needs romance or an emotional connection to be happy! Nonetheless, those who do may find it difficult to maintain a transactional relationship. Remember: if you're someone who wants real, authentic love, you absolutely deserve to have it.
The relationship may cause you stress and anxiety. Being in a transactional relationship can leave you feeling like you need to be constantly on guard, ready to protect your interests and needs. In the long run, that can lead to a lot of stress over the state of your relationship. You may even struggle to feel satisfied with what you have because you’re so focused on protecting yourself.
The relationship may start feeling dull or repetitive. Transactional relationships are all about responsibility and duty, which means that things like fun and excitement may not be part of the package. When your relationship isn’t romantic (or based on any kind of love), you and your partner may not take the time to relax, enjoy each other’s company, or be a little adventurous, making life feel too monotonous.
You and your partner may clash, fight, or compete often. Couples with authentic connections grow and overcome their differences together, but that’s not necessarily true for transactional relationships. Because transactional partners don’t need to consider one another’s feelings, they may end up resenting or behaving inconsiderately toward one another.
Kids may have a hard time growing up around transactional relationships. Without a stable and loving environment to grow up in, kids of transactional relationships may end up resenting their parents over it. On the other hand, kids might learn only to have transactional relationships themselves because that’s the primary example they have while growing up.
Making Transactional Relationships Work
Manage your expectations and stick to one realistic goal. Having too many expectations can easily lead to disappointment in a transactional relationship. For a more satisfying relationship, try to lower your expectations of your partner and focus on a specific goal that is most important to you. That way, you’re less likely to feel disappointed whenever something doesn’t go your way.
Focus on positive things you and your partner can do for one another. Rather than keeping score of every mistake your partner makes over time, try to cut them some slack and look for ways you can constructively and thoughtfully help them. That way, you’ll be more focused on creating positive moments with them than pointing out your partner’s imperfections. For example, if your partner looks super tired or seems overworked, you could offer to pick up dinner for the both of you to give them time to relax.
Discuss your finances before establishing the relationship. Regardless of your relationship, money can quickly become an issue if you don’t have a plan for how you and your partner will handle it. Sit down with them—before you agree to the relationship or very early on—and figure out exactly what you'll be financially responsible for and how you’ll manage joint bills. For example, you may need to figure out how much of your paychecks will go towards rent or a mortgage or how you’ll divide up payments on water and electric bills.
Transforming Transactional Relationships
Learn to see your partner as an ally, not a competitor. Curious to know if a transactional relationship can become an authentic connection? The short answer is: yes. With time and effort, you can transform your relationship, and the first step is thinking of your partner as the other member of your two-person team—someone with whom you can work toward achieving a common goal. For example, when there's a conflict, try to work through it with your partner (rather than separately). Approach them and ask if they can make time to talk something over with you. As you talk, express your feelings and let your partner do the same. Then, create a plan of action to solve the problem in a way that’s mutually beneficial for both of you.
Do thoughtful things for your partner simply because you can. Transactional relationships are about what you can get from your partner—so to transform that relationship, start thinking about what your partner can get from you. What are their needs? What might help them or make their life easier? Redefine your relationship by showing your partner care and compassion. For example, you might notice your partner is having a difficult day and decide to tackle their chores so they don’t have to worry about them. By focusing on your partner’s needs rather than your own, you can start to grow and strengthen your relationship.
Take your partner’s feelings into consideration. To win your partner’s trust, you must show them that you can be a reliable and supportive person in their life. Pay attention to their feelings, whether they’re in a good mood, upset, anxious, or sad. Make the extra effort to talk to them about their feelings, empathize, and let them vent when needed. For example, if your partner comes home from work looking upset, you could ask them if they want to talk about it or if you can do anything to cheer them up. The more sensitive you are to your partner’s feelings, the more they’ll see they can trust you to support them no matter what.
Let your guard down and be yourself around your partner. In any relationship, it's important for your partner to know the real you! The more you allow yourself to open up and express vulnerability around them, the closer you and your partner will feel to one another. Plus, they may get more comfortable with the idea of showing vulnerability around you, too. For example, try sharing a secret with your partner that nobody else knows or asking for their advice when a problem is confusing you. Share more details about your life with them, including your passions, hobbies, fears, and dreams.
Build intimacy by spending quality time together. Doing things together can help you and your partner feel closer to one another! Go on dates together, do chores and housework as a team, or just sit down and chat so you can check in with one another from time to time. No matter what you do, set aside some time to spend together each week so you can develop a more intimate connection. Try making a date night schedule, for example, or designating a particular day for chores and spending it working alongside your partner, talking as you go. Find an activity you might both enjoy. You could take a dance class, play board games, or go for a bike ride together.
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