Is 100 per cent trust possible in a relationship?

“I miss your hugs, your kisses, the way you held me… I still miss you.” Seema* (name changed) read and re-read the email open on the monitor before her.

The words had been written to her boyfriend of a year-and-a-half, Rajiv*. Since the day the two of them started dating, Seema had been looking for proof, signs that Rajiv might be cheating on her. Now she believed, she finally had it.

Short of hiring a private detective, Seema has done everything possible to keep an eye on Rajiv. She constantly tracks his Facebook ‘wall’ and Orkut ‘scrapbook’: For the uninitiated in social networking etiquette, the wall and scrapbook are your personal message boards that unless specified, can generally be viewed by the public. If Rajiv added a new ‘friend’, Seema would check out the profile to see who it was; if it were a girl, Seema would spend sleepless nights wondering if Rajiv was having an affair.

When she could not find anything amiss on Facebook/ Orkut, Seema would take whatever possible chance to snoop on Rajiv’s mobile phone messages. Each time he left his phone unattended, Seema would quickly go through his message inbox, sent messages, drafts, call logs and recorded pictures to see who had called him, who he was text-ing and if there was anything suspicious in his mobile.

With a very bad relationship behind her – she had been dating a man who had cheated on her repeatedly – Seema was convinced that all men were cheats and that either Rajiv too was cheating on her or would soon do so… The more she did not find any proof, the more Seema was convinced that Rajiv was very good at hiding things from her.

Her hunt for proof intensified till one day she managed to hack into his email account and found the email mentioned above. Seema’s world crashed. She did not give Rajiv any chance to explain himself and despite his pleas that he had nothing to do with his ex-girlfriend sending him that message, Seema walked out on Rajiv.

Vimal and Piya had the perfect relationship: They looked good together, had good jobs, a large group of common friends and seemed to complement each other well, Vimal being silent and reserved while Piya was bubbly and gregarious. Initially, friends christened them the ‘Perfect Pair’ but gradually started noticing that things weren’t all fine with the twosome…

Vimal had a problem if Piya spoke to another man. He would often blame her for “making eyes” at other men whenever they went out together. If they were at a party, Vimal would constantly keep an eye on Piya trying to see if she was looking at another man. He didn’t like her association with her college male friends and he went ballistic if he ever ‘caught’ Piya talking to another man. Slowly, Vimal started having problems with Piya hanging out with her girlfriends as well because he was never sure if she was really with the girls or someone else…

Vimal too had a very bad experience in a former relationship. Based on his past, Vimal could not trust Piya and began blaming her of being a flirt. He felt that by constantly keeping Piya under surveillance, he would ensure their relationship would not suffer the same fate as his previous one. However, the Vimal-Piya relationship grew more and more strained by the day.

Before you read further, tell us what you think:

1. Did Seema do the right thing by dumping Rajiv?

2. Is it good to be constantly suspicious of your partner and snoop on them?

3. Can trust, once broken, be mended again?

4. If your partner constantly doubts you, how will you deal with it?

NEXT PAGE >>> Trust is more fragile than bone China

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In both the scenarios – Seema-Rajiv and Vimal-Piya – one partner was constantly suspicious of the other, with or without justifiable reasons. In both the relationships, one partner’s trust had suffered in a past relationship and had rendered them incapable of trusting anyone in the future. However, does having a bad relationship – or having your trust broken once – mean that it will always be the case always?

There is no denying the fragility of trust and the fact that a relationship is made on love but survives on trust. A trust/belief that the other person thinks for our benefit, that s/he will not hurt us and that we will be loved. Once broken, it does take a while to rebuild trust simply because it’s directly related to self-esteem. There is nothing wrong in FEELING hurt when your trust is broken, but to dwell on it could be a one-way street to destroying your own sanity.

What happens when your trust is broken? You lose the ability to BELIEVE another human being, their words, gestures or their feelings for you. When trust is broken, some people can suffer a huge blow to their self-esteem. They feel inadequate and think they were not “good enough” for the other person. They compare themselves to others and will find faults in themselves and areas they lack in. Many people become incapable of ever trusting again or live in constant dread that their trust will be broken again. The result is suspicion, doubt and a wait for doomsday to strike.

Doubt and suspicion are two of the biggest dangers to having a happy relationship. Once you get into the doubt zone, it spirals to the bottom of the pit and doesn’t stop.

It starts with doubting another person’s love for you and goes to doubting your own capability of being loved. Suspicion does not need proof and builds on itself. First you will be suspicious of a look your partner gives another one, then you will think that perhaps they are doing things behind your back, then you will have visions of being lied to… Suspicion feeds itself on your subconscious fears.

Once you start looking for signs that your partner MIGHT be cheating on you, you will never stop… Till you either decide on some vague sign that you are being cheated on or destroy your relationship by constantly voicing your suspicions to your partner. And no matter how much your partner loves you, if you constantly doubt their intentions, snoop on them and have a fight even if they so much as happen to glance in another’s direction, your relationship is headed downhill. Constant suspicion is not a good thing.

With interaction between the opposite sex having gone up manifold – be it work, social networking, traveling on the metro, etc – insisting on complete exclusivity in your relationship is naïve. You cannot expect your partner NOT to have any interaction with another person. Neither can you expect your partner not to like another simply because we make friends with people we like.

Yes, lines have to be drawn about that ‘liking’ for another; but that’s something both you and your partner have to mutually decide. But even before you set rules in your relationship, you have to AGREE to trust your partner...

NEXT PAGE >>> But HOW do I trust?

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If your lack of trust is due to a past episode, you need to understand that every person and relationship is different. Just because you were hurt once does not mean it will happen again. Sometimes, you will know why the previous relationship went wrong or why the other person cheated on you. However, clarity and closure are not always possible. There could be times when you did nothing wrong and did not deserve to be cheated on or your trust broken. It was NOT your fault that you were cheated on. But it happened.

What if your partner breaks your trust once and asks for forgiveness? Will you? Can you? The answer will vary from person to person, relationship to relationship. No matter what the case, you have to remember that perhaps 100 per cent trust between couples is NOT possible. It does NOT mean that two people should have secrets from each other; however, it does mean that two people don’t necessarily have to share everything.

You have to decide what is more important in your relationship and how much you are willing to oversee. There are little follies and there are big mistakes. If you find your partner checking out someone really hot at a party, is that breaking your trust? Or is that a natural reaction of any human being? And no, just because you don’t check out other people is no reason for your partner not to.

If you constantly hound your partner for even looking at another person, it perhaps speaks more of your low self-esteem issues than his/her wrong intentions. Looking is natural, getting the phone number and going for dates is a different thing. The trick is to know the difference and draw boundaries for your relationship. Each relationship and every person is unique and there are no generalizations. Sometimes not voicing your mistrust works better than constantly telling another how you don’t trust them.

Then there is the bit about projecting our reactions on to other people. Say for instance, you flirt with that new person at office and your partner does not know about it. Next time when you find out that your partner is friends with someone at work, chances are you will start doubting if s/he is flirting too simply because you do it. Sometimes checking within your heart will help you deal with mistrust more effectively than any therapy.

At the end of the day, trust leads to a relationship wherein you are happy, at ease with yourself and the other person, playing on each others strengths and more than anything else, have peace of mind. But it needs to be worked at. Constantly.

What did you think of the story? Do you agree that 100 per cent trust is NOT possible between two people? Please use the feedback form to leave your comments and suggestions. For any queries on relationships or other issues, sharing experiences, you can mail the author: [email protected]