- To better understand what a goth girl may like, read popular goth novels, listen to goth music, and watch goth movies to learn more about the goth subculture.
- Ask about her interests, hobbies, and passions. Point out when you share any of these in common to build a connection with her.
- Pay close attention if she opens up to you. You might learn that she enjoys a lot of activities that aren't considered typically "gothic."
- If she agrees to go out with you, build chemistry and an attraction by being fully invested in your conversations and using open body language.
Understanding Gothic Subculture
Get familiar with common trends in the goth scene. Try to get a better understanding of the gothic community—for example, spend time in the “gothic social scene” where like-minded individuals get together. As you hang out in these settings, see if you can spot any common beliefs that you share with other gothic individuals. In general, there are three basic elements of goth culture: the social scene, the personality, and the music. The gothic social scene offers places where goths can form a community and share ideas. These environments may include coffee shops, thrift stores, clubs, and music stores.Common ground: When you hang out at La Note, a gothic coffee parlor, you might find that you enjoy “existential philosophy,” the idea of thinking about the meaning of life. The gothic personality is usually associated with a strong sense of individualism and an appreciation of the darker side of life, the supernatural, mysterious beauty, dark aesthetics, art, emotion, mystery, and drama.Common ground: After speaking to someone who’s part of the gothic subculture, you might find yourself really interested in divination and may even want to learn how to read tarot cards. Gothic music is a very important part of goth culture. The goth social scene usually revolves around its haunting or dramatic music, which tends to have an eerie or surreal tone. Gothic bands usually focus on gothic themes, such as the grotesque or the mysterious.Common ground: Following a night out at Death Guild, a local gothic dance club, you remember how much you love the gothic industrial band, Nine Inch Nails.
Pay attention to what draws you to a goth girl. If you’re thinking, “Wow, what a cute goth chick!”—reevaluate your approach. While it’s completely fine to be hypnotized by her alluring presence, try not to just attach the label “goth” to her. Instead, take in everything about her and focus on specific details that stand out. You’ll be able to compliment parts of her appearance and personality that she’s worked hard to cultivate. For example, take note of and praise her: Style. This might include the cut, color, or kind of clothing she is wearing. Look for accessories, especially ones that are prominent. Take special note of unique articles of clothing, like fishnets, capes, studded or spiked clothing, ankhs, chokers, and more. Makeup. Many goths appreciate the sharp contrast of black and white, so they’ll often wear light colored makeup with dark accents on the lips and eyes. Compliment special flourishes, like elaborate cat eyeliner or intriguing colored eye contacts. Musical involvement. Strike up a conversation with her about live music or her favorite bands. You could also show your interest by asking her what she likes most about her favorite goth musicians.
Read popular goth literature. The gothic fascination with darkness and the supernatural make vampire, fantasy, horror, and sci-fi genres popular among goths. Not only do these novels or comics give you some juicy topics to discuss with a goth girl, but they also give you more intel about what captivates the goth community. Remember not to assume that she reads these books (maybe she enjoys manga or adventure stories) and to just dive into stories that seem interesting to you. Gothic Novels:Dracula, by Bram Stoker1984, by George OrwellFrankenstein, by Mary ShelleyThe Inferno, by Dante Alighieri Gothic Comics and Graphic Novels:The Sandman comics, by Neil GaimanThe Crow comics, by James O'BarrJohnny the Homicidal Maniac, by Jhonen Vasquez
Familiarize yourself with goth media. Follow influential figures who the goth community has a high opinion of. Some directors, like Tim Burton, and record labels, like Cleopatra, Projekt, and Anubis, are iconic. If you immerse yourself in their work, you’ll find a perfect way to appreciate the goth aesthetic and learn about central gothic themes. While the goth girl you like might not be a die-hard fan of all goth media, you can share your enthusiasm for anything you genuinely enjoyed. Popular Goth Movies:The HungerThe Rocky Horror Picture ShowDraculaThe CrowEdward ScissorhandsThe Nightmare Before ChristmasBeetlejuiceHellraiserDestiny Popular Goth Music Groups:BauhausChristian DeathThe Sisters of MercyDrab MajestyThe CureSiouxsie and The BansheesCocteau Twins
Communicating Your Interest
Be friendly and respectful when you approach her. Above all, a goth girl is a person—just like everyone else, she’ll appreciate kindness and courtesy. When you approach her, it’s pretty simple: smile, maintain strong eye contact, and introduce yourself. Try a simple conversation starter, like what you appreciate about her or a common interest you pick up on: "Hey! I'm Xavier. I just wanted to tell you how much I love all your commentary in our Film Lit class. You have a knack for figuring out what makes all the characters tick." "I noticed that you've been reading The Sandman. I've already tore through the whole series and binged the entire show on Netflix! I'm actually planning on going to Neil Gaiman's book signing next month."
Watch her body language to see if she’s interested in talking. Consent and courtesy are important. To make sure you’re respecting her boundaries, read her body language. Pay attention to her facial expressions, her posture, and her behavior. If she has “open” body language—like raised eyebrows, straight posture, and a big smile—she’s probably enjoying herself. On the other hand, if she avoids eye contact, slouches, frowns, and crosses her arms, it’s a sign she’s not in the mood to talk. If she gives you cues that it’s not the best time to chat, give her some space. Don’t take it personally if she’s not immediately receptive. She might’ve had a bad day or takes time to warm up to people. Wait until she engages with you to strike up a conversation again.
Ask about her interests and hobbies. Even if her wardrobe is full of black outfits and she likes vampire flicks, she might not even identify as “goth.” In fact, she might have plenty of passions that you’d call “non-goth.” You might even have more in common than you thought. As a temperature check, ask about her favorite: TV shows “Yeah! I love It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, too. I live for cringe comedy.” Classes “Oh—your thesis is on Jane Austen? Which of her novels are you focusing on?” Activities “You fence and play tennis? That’s wild. Actually…I’m a little jealous. Can you teach me some tricks?” Places “I should definitely check out a cat cafe. My landlord won’t let me have pets, so I need to get my feline fix somewhere.”
Remember to be yourself when you're around her. If you begin to build rapport with her and get her attention, it can be easy to get swept away. You might want to come across as more "goth" than you really are or absorb all her interests. Resist that temptation and show her the real you—she'll probably really admire your courage and enjoy all the unique facets of your personality. For example, she might have a fascination with the macabre, while you're a med student who idealizes healing others. The two of you might have fascinating discussions in which she talks about the fleetingness of life and you celebrate all of its wonders.
Be open to trying new things to bond with her. While you might still be figuring out the goth subculture, just relax and let her take the lead. Take the time to listen to her and discuss what she says. For example, if she gushes about how romantic isolation is in Victorian novels, respect her views. One of the best ways to show you’re interested in her is finding out what she loves. If you agree with her take, feel free to share that— “Definitely. Solitude can help you get in better touch with yourself and tap into your inner world.” When you have a different perspective, say it in a respectful way—"I empathize, and I can see how the heroine would embrace that. If I were in that situation, though, I think my anxiety would creep in.” It can be tempting to mold yourself into the person she’d like. However, this can put a strain on your dynamic. Avoid presenting yourself as someone you’re not so she can get to know you on a deeper level. As long as you’re thoughtful and engaged in your conversations, she’ll appreciate the effort you’re putting in.
Sum up what she said to show you’re a great listener. After she’s opened up about herself and all her thoughts, try to summarize what she’s said. Check in and ask if you got it right. This simple gesture can make her feel like you’re really focused on her. When you actively listen to her, you’ll boost the emotional honesty between the two of you and deepen your connection. She might even begin to see you in a romantic light. You’ll also avoid misunderstandings when you regularly touch base and check if you understood her correctly. Make a non-judgmental comment like, “I wanted to make sure I caught all of that. Did you say that you prefer weather that’s always overcast because the atmosphere inspires you?”
Be fully engaged when you talk to her. Any time she shares her worldviews, ask her follow up questions to show you care. Tease out more details—for example, ask why she thinks a certain way and if she always had a specific outlook. If she ever changes the topic, roll with it. When she wants to learn more about you, be genuine and honest. She’ll notice you put your all into your conversations and that you treat her as a special individual. Turn your phone off and put it away while you hang out. If you give her your full focus, she’s more likely to be impressed. Everyone wants to be seen, heard, and accepted for who they are. When you show a girl that you're genuinely interested in what she loves, it makes her feel like you care. Be spontaneous and fun-loving, too. For example, say, “Okay! We’re going to talk about the horror movies that terrified us as kids? Perfect first date material. I like it.”
Building Chemistry and Attraction
Practice good hygiene. Being well groomed is important no matter who you’re pursuing. When you get ready to see her, do the basics—shower, put on deodorant, brush your teeth, floss, and dab on a nice cologne or fragrance. Pull out all the stops, too. Style your hair, pick out one of your best outfits, and make sure your clothes are wrinkle-free. When she sees you, she may just start swooning. You don't have to try to dress like a “goth” to get her to like you. Sometimes, opposites attract, so she might be looking for someone with a different style who complements her.
Show her you’re interested in her with your body language. When you’re close to her or sitting down to talk, turn your body to face her and lean in—this subtle strategy can build an instant spark. If she breaks the touch barrier, such as putting her hand on your arm, then return the favor. For example, playfully touch her shoulder when you tell a joke. If you want to check if she’s flirting with you, see if she’s playing with her hair or making suggestive remarks like, “You’re winding me up!I like it, though.”
Maintain eye contact as much as possible. If she’s so stunning that she makes you nervous, try to gaze deeply at her, anyway. When you hold eye contact with her as you speak, she might get lost in your eyes and start to think of you as more than just a friend. If you do snag her romantic interest, your habit of looking into her eyes can help her feel “seen” and satisfied in your relationship. You might also make her melt if you smile with your eyes, which makes you look warm and inviting. A goth girl might just see you as her fairy tale hero (or dashing lover).
Focus on having a good time. Dating is really all about chemistry, attraction, bonding, and letting loose. To plan the perfect outings, chat with each other about what you both like. While she might love museums, you may love arcades. Meet somewhere in the middle and do what each of you enjoy. You'll get a taste of each other's worlds, and if she likes what she sees, then you might just score your happy ending with your beautiful and intriguing goth maiden.
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