What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?
NPD is a condition defined by a high sense of self-importance. This mental health condition doesn’t manifest in the same way across every individual who’s been diagnosed with it. In general, however, symptoms of narcissism include taking advantage of others for personal gain, demanding admiration for achievements, and belittling others out of envy or insecurity. Although people with narcissistic personality disorder often experience extremely low self-esteem, they come across as arrogant and behave as if they’re better than everyone. While the causes of NPD are extremely complex, overindulging a child may lead them to expect special treatment from everyone as an adult. This trait is associated with narcissism. Keep in mind that only a certified mental health professional can diagnose narcissistic personality disorder. Just because someone displays narcissistic traits, especially in childhood, does not mean they are a narcissist.
Signs of Narcissistic Behavior in Children
Children may act entitled or display an excessive need for attention. Keep in mind that it’s normal for children to need a lot of attention and to feel a little entitled sometimes. Most children will grow out of these behaviors or only exhibit them occasionally. If your child’s behavior worsens or begins to harm others, however, take them to a psychiatrist or psychologist so they and your family can get the help you need. Some specific signs that your child may need mental health support include: They have difficulty making or keeping friends. They believe they’re special and better than other kids. They envy other kids and/or frequently criticize them. They blame adults for their failures and wrongdoings. They respond to stress or embarrassment by lashing out at others. They struggle to identify the difference between right and wrong and may lie frequently, especially about achievements and skills. They struggle to empathize with others. They feel entitled to things they want and expect special treatment. Remember that many of these traits are completely normal for young children and even adolescents. Address this behavior with your child and, if things don’t improve, seek guidance from a counselor.
Handling a Child with Narcissistic Tendencies
Love your child unconditionally so they don't have to be the best. If your child believes your love has conditions, they’ll feel pressured to excel and always be the best. When you're frustrated, try to see things from your child’s perspective. Ask yourself how they might feel in a particular situation or why they might be reacting a certain way. Consistently tell your child that you love them as they are. Say, “I’ll always love you, no matter what.” Praise their efforts, not their achievements. Say things like, “Hard work is what matters. Good job!” or “I’m so proud of you for sticking with it.” Remind yourself that your child is still learning how to navigate and respond to the world. We all have triggers and behaviors that we have to manage, even as adults. If your child does have an official NPD diagnosis from a licensed psychologist, that is a mental health condition that they did not choose to have, and it’s your job to help them manage it.
Model healthy relationships for your child. Your children learn from watching you, so be a great teacher. Be kind and respectful to others so your child knows that’s important. Additionally, be dependable for your friends and family so your child learns what it’s like to be loyal. You might ask them what they notice about your relationships. You could say, “Did you see how I spoke kindly to my friend?” or “I just got invited to a party on the same day I offered to help Grandma. What do you think I should do?”
Talk to your child about how their behavior affects others. Speak calmly to them so they don’t feel attacked. If you work together, you can understand where you’re both coming from and create some solutions. Some children grow up being really focused on themselves, so use “we”-language to get your child on your side. You could say something like: “When we call people names, it really hurts their feelings. We speak kindly to others so they speak kindly to us.” “I understand why you want a new phone. At the same time, we have to wait for things that we want. It hurts my feelings when you demand items from me.” “I know you’re really busy with work, but I am, too. I’m really overwhelmed by the help you expect from me. We both need to do a better job of taking care of our own needs.”
Speak calmly and firmly when addressing behavioral problems. Disciplining a child with challenging emotional behaviors can feel very tricky. If your child is sensitive to criticism and quick to become aggressive, their behavior may escalate if they feel confronted. Instead, sit down with them and tell them what they did wrong. Additionally, explain what they could do next time and any consequences they’ll face. If your child is very young, you might say, “We don’t throw toys at each other. Next time, tell me when you’re upset. We’re going to sit here for a few minutes while you calm down.” If your child is school-aged, you could say, “We don’t hit. It’s important that we keep our hands to ourselves. Next time, use your words. You’re going to spend the rest of the evening in your room so you have time to think about what you did.” For a teen, say something like: “We don’t lie in this family. I’m really hurt that you deceived me, and I’m worried you could put yourself in an unsafe situation. You’re grounded for the next two weeks.”
Teach your child how to listen to others. Your child learns how to have conversations by practicing with you and by watching you converse with people. Start by taking turns talking and listening to each other. Then, create opportunities for your child to watch you speak with other adults. When your child is being a good listener, praise them for doing such a great job. You could say, “I noticed that you did a great job listening to Grandma’s story today. I’m really proud of you,” or “Your teacher says you listened well in class today. Great job!”
Praise them when they help someone. Encourage your child to act kindly to others by rewarding their positive behaviors. In time, this can help them overcome some of their selfish tendencies. You might compliment them for: Helping you with a chore. Assisting a sibling. Volunteering. Showing affection. Saying “thank you.” Apologizing for a mistake.
Set boundaries with your child. Your boundaries are what you’re willing to do for someone, as well as what you won’t do. When it comes to your child, you’d probably go to the ends of the earth for them. At the same time, they might make unreasonable requests sometimes, such as asking for a really expensive item. Establish boundaries with your child by setting some expectations. Say something like: “I’m not going to talk to you when you’re yelling. I’ll respond when you speak calmly.” “It’s not okay for you to call your sister names. If you do, I’m going to take away a privilege.” “I’m not going to buy you a toy while we’re grocery shopping.”
Confront their sense of entitlement. Some children think that they’re entitled to attention, accolades, and material items, and many children struggle when they hear the word “no.” If this behavior isn’t addressed early on, children may grow up expecting everyone to cater to their needs and become upset if those needs aren’t met. Calmly tell your child that everyone is special in their own way, but no one gets everything that they want. Moving forward, tell them “no” when it’s appropriate. When you won’t buy them a toy, they might throw a tantrum. You could say, “I understand why you’re upset, but we’re not here for toys. Sometimes we can’t have what we want right away.” When they lose a sports game, they could react angrily. You could say, “Losing is frustrating, but it’s something we all experience. What’s important is having fun and doing your best. I’m proud of you for playing.” Expect your child to react angrily when you say “no,” at least at first. It’ll take them time to get used to it.
Sandwich criticisms between compliments. Some children, particularly those who show narcissistic qualities, may struggle with criticism and react with anger. To soften the blow, tell your child something they did well first. Additionally, say something nice afterward. Your child may still get upset, but the compliments will make it easier for them to accept their faults. “You did a great job cleaning your room today. On the other hand, I noticed you didn’t do your homework. You’re so smart, and I don’t want you to get a zero on the assignment.” “You played a great game today. However, it was rude to tease the other team. You really hurt their feelings. You’re so smart, I’m sure you could come up with something nice to say.”
Take your child to therapy. A good therapist can help your child understand their behavior and make positive changes in their life. They’ll learn how to relate better to others, how to make friends, and how to develop healthy self-esteem. You can find a therapist on Better Help. Make sure to choose someone that your child feels comfortable with. You might even go to family therapy so you all learn to understand your child’s behavior and how to communicate better. If you’re specifically concerned that your child has NPD or a similar mental health condition, choose a child therapist with experience in diagnosing and treating narcissistic personality disorder in children.
Practice self-care to help you cope. Parenting can be very stressful, especially when a child is struggling with negative behaviors. As much as possible, make yourself a priority. To start, get proper sleep, eat well, and exercise. Additionally, do things that feel good to you, like playing with your pet or taking a bath. You deserve to be happy. Set aside some time just for you. You may be able to relax at night after the kids go to bed. Alternatively, ask someone to babysit your child so you can have a few hours to treat yourself.
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