Assessing Her Behavior
Notice how she flirts. Just because she flirts with your boyfriend does not mean she’s trying to steal him. She might flirt with him to build up her own self-esteem or because she wants to be friends with him. Does she flirt with everyone, or just with your boyfriend specifically? If she generally comes off as flirty, it’s doubtful that your boyfriend is a special case. If she makes special effort to flirt with your boyfriend, she might have a crush on him.Here are some flirty behaviors to watch for: She puts her hand on his arm or touches him frequently. She makes eye contact with him. She laughs at all of his jokes. She moves her body so that she faces him. She initiates conversation with him.
See if she wants to be alone with him. If the girl wants to be alone with your boyfriend, it demonstrates that her flirting is not just for social power and self-esteem. Make note of when they spend time alone together. Look out for the following things: She invites him for outings where it will be just the two of them, such as the movies or lunch at a coffee shop. She asks him to do her favors (such as change a lightbulb) where he would go somewhere alone with her. She asks him to go on walks with her. When he says he’s going to do something, such as get a glass of water in the next room, she invites herself and goes with him.
See if she texts or calls him frequently. Is your boyfriend secretive about his texts with her? Does she call or text him more than you would with a platonic friend? Although this communication does not mean that she wants to be more than friends, it can be a red flag. If you see your boyfriend texting someone frequently, ask him who it is. If he is dodgy or defensive about it, it might be her. Going through your boyfriend’s texts might be an invasion of privacy. If he seems as though he is lying, have a conversation with him about trust.
Dealing with Jealousy
Acknowledge your jealousy. Naming your jealousy is the first step to overcoming it. Let yourself feel your jealous emotions for a little bit. Jealousy in small doses can be a positive thing for a relationship because it reminds you that you want to be in a monogamous relationship. However, do not let your jealousy consume you. Name it as jealousy and try to mentally separate it from the rest of your life.
Know that you don’t have to act on jealous feelings. Jealous feelings are only feelings, after all. Understand that what you think and what occurs in reality may not be identical. Accept your jealous feelings as jealous feelings, but do not mistake them for what is actually happening. These jealous feelings are separate from your feelings for and your relationship with your boyfriend.
Think about your own positive traits. Write down three things you like about yourself everyday. For every time you give yourself a put down, give yourself a compliment, too. Improving your own self-esteem and focusing on your own positive qualities will remind you that you are an awesome person to date.
Expressing Your Feelings to Your Boyfriend
Make a list of what makes you uncomfortable. Think about what specifically makes you uneasy in this situation. Is it that you feel that your boyfriend is paying more attention to her than to you? Do you wish that your boyfriend would spend less time with his friends and more time with just you? Try to pinpoint what exactly makes you uncomfortable. Here are some examples of specific situations that might make you uneasy: The girl touches your boyfriend in what you think is an inappropriate way. On weekends, your boyfriend spends more time with her than he does with you. Your boyfriend texts or calls her when you two are spending quality time together. They flirt in front of you.
Wait a day. Let your thoughts sit while your jealousy simmers down a little bit. Make sure that the issues you address in your list are really what is bothering you. Look again at your list the next day and revise it.
Talk to your boyfriend in a quiet, calm setting. Designate a time to have a conversation just the two of you. Don’t talk to him when you are initially upset. Instead, address the issue when you are both feeling calm and rational.
“I’ve been feeling that you’ve been spending more time with her than with me the past couple of weeks, and it’s been making me feel insecure.” “I love that you’re happy with your friendship with her, but the way she interacts with you sometimes makes me uncomfortable.” “I am happy with our relationship, but I think there are ways that I could feel more valued and respected.”
Set boundaries for the relationship. Each couple has their own "rule book" — some couples would see going to the movies with another girl as highly inappropriate, whereas other couples would consider this and other intimate contact okay. Having an open conversation about what each partner expects is key to guiding acceptable behaviors. Be clear about your needs — your boyfriend may have no idea his friendship or flirtation with this other girl upsets you. Work on defining these expectations with your boyfriend. You might say something like, "I don't want you to give up your friendships with other girls, but I would appreciate it if your focus is on me when we spend time together, and not on texting her." Don't set boundaries that are vague or manipulative. Something like, "I want to spend more time with you" isn't specific enough. Try saying, “I want to spend more time together just the two of us. Could we designate a date night?” Let your boyfriend know what is and is not acceptable to you. If you are not comfortable with him giving another girl a back massage, let him know that feels disrespectful to your relationship. Be open to listening to your boyfriend's perspective and his boundaries as well.
Speak from the “I” perspective. Address the concerns you have about your boyfriend’s relationship with the other girl calmly. Do not accuse him of infidelity. Focus on constructive ways to improve your relationship. Use specific language to ask him to change certain things about the way he interacts with the girl. Here are some examples of what you could say: “I feel really uncomfortable when you choose to go to the movies alone with her on Friday night. I would like to go with you or would prefer you go in a group with other people, too.” “I feel hurt when we're spending time together and you spend that time texting with her and laughing at your inside jokes.”
End on a positive note. Finish your conversation by giving your boyfriend a compliment or by showing affection for him. If you’re working through the problems in your relationship, that’s a positive thing! Here are some examples of good compliments: "I really enjoy when we spend quality time together." "I feel that you really listen to me when I'm having a problem." "You make me feel happy and supported."
Strengthening Your Relationship
Do new things together. Sharing experiences and making new memories together will strengthen the bond of your relationship. Here are some things you could try together: Take a Zumba class. Make an elaborate dinner together. Go away to a new place for the weekend. Drive a couple hours to an especially beautiful hike. Learn to surf. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Take a photography class.
Designate “quality time” every week. Designate a period of time (it doesn’t matter how long or short it is!) when you and your boyfriend promise to focus only on each other. Cook dinner together, watch a movie, or just talk about your day at school or work. Making time for one another is an important way of strengthening your relationship.
Ask the right questions. Make your partner feel loved and respected. Effective communication is key to any good relationship. Here are a few questions you can ask that will create productive conversations for you and your partner: "How can I help you?" "What do you love about our relationship?" "What 'little things' can I do to show you I love you?"
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