Creating a Compelling Conversation
Determine your end goal for the conversation. Think about what you’d like to get out of your chat. Realistically, you probably won’t change someone’s deep-rooted beliefs over the span of a single conversation. Instead, focus on declaring your own beliefs in a clear, neutral way. For instance, you can say something like: “I know you believe that the 9/11 terrorist attacks were a cover-up, and I’d like to know more so I can better understand your point of view.” Don’t be disappointed if you don’t change someone’s perspective at the end of your discussion. People with extreme beliefs aren’t likely going to change their opinions after a single conversation, but you may be able to open their mind a little bit.
Find some common ground between you and the other person. Boil the issue or topic down to a really basic principle or emotion that you and the other person can agree upon. This can be really tricky, especially if the other person is advocating for a far-fetched theory or belief. Try to be as empathetic as possible throughout your discussion. For instance, if a friend or family member tells you that they don’t believe in climate change, you may find some common ground in being distrustful of the way politicians handle environmental legislation. If the other person believes that the American government created the AIDS virus, you can say something like this: “It’s really scary that laboratories have the potential to engineer viruses. However, there are just as many laboratories and organizations working to create vaccines and accessible treatments for everyone.”
Remind the other person that they have control over their own life. Keep in mind that people who support or believe in extreme theories or ideas often feel a need to separate themselves from the crowd, or give themselves some sense of certainty and clarity. Reassure the other person that they are in control of their own life, and that they don’t need to rely on conjecture and unlikely ideas to feel safe and in control. For example, you can say something like: “It’s scary to think that reptiles are actually governing all of humanity, but you shouldn’t let that concern affect your day-to-day life. You’re free to do anything you want, and no one can take away that right.” You can also say something like: “It’s definitely upsetting to feel like the media and government are manipulating you. However, the earth is still our home and it’s still our responsibility to keep it as clean and healthy as possible.”
Use inclusive language that adds to your statement. Don’t detract from your opinions and beliefs with “but” statements. Instead, choose language that supports your beliefs while also acknowledging the other person’s opinion. Using the word “but” negates your own point, which you don’t want to do in a conversation regarding extreme views and beliefs. For example, you can say something like: “It’s definitely a lot easier to believe that the Holocaust didn’t happen. At the same time, that sort of belief isn’t fair or considerate to the countless people who lost relatives during World War 2.” You can also say something like: “I get that there’s a lot of strange things in the world that can’t always be explained. At the same time, there’s a lot of scientific proof that the earth isn’t flat.”
Explain yourself with stories instead of opinions. Give concrete, first-person examples to support your opinion instead of listing statistics. It’s easier for people to understand your passion and beliefs if you describe real-life experiences. For instance, you can say something like: “My friend’s dad was one of the first responders during the 9/11 attacks. It’s very valid to feel hurt and upset that such an awful event happened, yet at the same time, I don’t think it’s fair to assume that the government had anything to do with the attacks.”
Ask questions so you can understand why someone thinks a certain way. Try to digest what the other person is saying, even if their viewpoints don’t make any sense to you. Offer some open-ended questions so you can better understand where the other person is coming from, even if their beliefs are undoubtedly far-fetched. These types of questions also show that you respect the person enough to listen to what they have to say, no matter what their views are. For instance, you can say something like: “I understand that you think secret societies are controlling every aspect of the world. However, if this is the case, how are we able to be openly sharing our opinions right now?” You can also say something like: “Astronauts are constantly coming and going from the International Space Station, which is a huge feat in space exploration. Is it really that far-fetched to believe that astronauts were able to land on the moon?”
State your argument clearly instead of jumping around. Take time to share your opinion verbatim instead of focusing solely on how you feel. Keep your thoughts organized so the other person knows exactly where you stand on the topic. For example, instead of saying “This makes me so angry,” you can say something like: “Believing in climate change is really important to me because I want the earth to be a safe, sustainable place for everyone.”
End the conversation if you can’t reach a positive conclusion. Monitor the status of your back and forth as you speak with the other person. Is the conversation going somewhere productive, or is it more likely to end in hurt feelings? In some cases, stopping the conversation is the best, most realistic option for both parties. For instance, you can say something like: “Talking about UFO sightings isn’t great for my mental health, and I think I need to take a break from this. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and opinions with me.” You can also say something like: “I think we’re just going to have to agree to disagree on this.”
Establishing a Neutral Environment
Ask the person if they’re okay with discussing certain topics. Get a feel for what the person is okay with talking about, or if there are certain extreme topics that are better left not discussed. You don’t want to jump headfirst into a conversation that’s bound to be toxic from the start, even if the topic of conversation seems fictitious or otherwise hard to swallow. For instance, you can say something like: “Hey! Are you comfortable sharing your opinions on the JFK assassination? I know you have a lot of opinions on it, and I don’t want to touch a nerve if it’s a sensitive topic.”
Speak from a neutral perspective. Try not to let emotions and judgments cloud your thoughts as you talk with another person, even if their beliefs don’t make any sense. Back yourself up and pretend you’re viewing the issue from a third-party perspective. Instead of speaking directly to the person’s thoughts and opinions, talk more about different schools of thought. For instance, you can say something like: “I understand that there are a lot of reported Bigfoot sightings, but I feel like there are a lot of reasonable explanations.”
Assume the best from other people. Remember that each person has their own reasons for believing and thinking a certain way, no matter how extreme their line of thinking is. Before assuming the worst, keep in mind that some people may not have as much life experience, or they may be using conspiracy theories as a way to feel like they have more control over their life than they actually do. Try separating yourself from the issue before rushing to an immediate judgment about a certain person. For instance, a person might not believe in the Holocaust because they can’t fathom or process the concept of someone being evil enough to commit genocide. A person expressing extreme beliefs in UFOs and alien signals may be looking for an escape from the mediocrity of their daily life.
Sit next to a person instead of facing them head-on. Keep in mind that a room’s setup can play a big role in how the conversation plays out. Sitting or standing across from someone automatically makes the conversation feel more like a debate instead of a friendly discussion. Instead, try moving next to the person, which can take some of the edge off.
Acknowledge that you may not change someone else’s mind. Don’t be discouraged if your thoughts and feelings don’t make a difference in another person’s mindset, especially if the person believes in really far-fetched ideas. Instead, focus on making your own voice and opinions heard, regardless of what the other person thinks. Certain people may need some unique life experiences before they can really consider changing their viewpoints. People who believe in conspiracy theories tend to be more stubborn when people try to convince them otherwise. At the end of the day, remember that your goal is to have an open, healthy conversation.
Remaining Polite
Express understanding to the other person. Set aside your differences for a moment and try to view the situation as calmly as possible, even if you find the person’s beliefs really upsetting. Don’t start off the discussion with an argument—instead, make it clear that you understand where the other person is coming from so there’s no miscommunication right off the bat. For instance, you can say something like: “I understand that you believe that climate change is a hoax, but I would really appreciate it if you hear me out.”
Wait for the other person to fully respond. Don’t interrupt someone while they’re talking. Let them say everything that’s on their mind before you answer. If you interject constantly, it’ll seem like you don’t respect the other person. Even if you really disagree with someone, treat them in the same way you’d like to be treated. If they try to interrupt you, politely ask them to extend you the same courtesy. You can say something like: “I’m almost finished with what I have to say. Would you mind waiting to speak until then?”
Aim to have a conversation instead of a fight. Don’t egg the person on into a full-on verbal brawl. Do your best to leave nasty tags and labels out of the conversation. Instead, focus on making your own thoughts and opinions clear during your talk without making any jabs at the other person. For instance, if someone is explaining their belief in aliens, don’t comment about how they need to be wearing a tin foil hat. Even if you’re upset, avoid throwing around terms like “crazy,” “insane,” or “stupid.” Treat the other person in the same way you’d like to be treated.
Keep your cool throughout the conversation. Remember that your goal is to have an open conversation, but not an argument. You can’t have a calm conversation if you start shouting at the other person. Be calm and polite throughout your discussion—if necessary, there’s nothing wrong with taking a step away from the conversation.
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