Noticing Signs of Trouble
Be very cautious if she has violent tendencies. She should never hit, kick, push, etc. her date (or anyone else). Nor should she be breaking things on purpose. Some people will "play fight," such as if she grew up wrestling her brother or trying to push him onto a couch. However, this play isn't meant to cause harm, and both parties consent to it. Some people kick someone under the table, or play slap them, if they say something rude. However, these shouldn't cause real pain and shouldn't be upsetting to the recipient. If she breaks things when upset, notice (1) whose things she breaks, and (2) who cleans up. If she's truly losing control, her things are just likely to be broken as yours. And if she's remorseful, she'll clean it up herself. But if she only breaks your things, and then has you clean it up, it's a power play. Abusers are often very good at hiding their true selves, so they might not give any obvious signs until you're in it deep. Even then, they'll keep you questioning it. This is the nature of the abuser, and it's not your fault for not seeing it.
Listen to see if she refers to other people as crazy: "my insane boss," "my psycho ex," "my crazy mother". It's highly unlikely that everyone this woman associates with is irrational—the problem is most likely her. Calling other people "crazy" is a red flag in general: it's dismissive and shows that the person may not think highly of people who don't act like the person wants.
Note patterns of unpredictability. If she often switches jobs, friend groups, or living situations, then there's likely an underlying problem. Sometimes the problem isn't with her personality (for example, her awful parents kicked her out of the house at a young age and she had trouble finding a place to live for a while). Other times, the problem is her. A long history of making enemies often means trouble.
Consider how she talks about her past. Some people have decent pasts, and some people have hard ones. If she's gone through a lot of hardship, she may be hesitant to open up to you, because it's painful and difficult. But if she's acting secretive or shifty, it may be that she has something to hide. There's a difference between hiding genuine pain because she's not ready to share, and hiding secrets because she knows you wouldn't like what she's done. Are her motives honest, or manipulative?
Notice how much she builds herself up. Some women are more confident than others, and it's normal if she jokingly compliments herself (such as if you say "You're pretty" and she says "I know" and gives you a flirty smile). But constantly building herself up could mean that she has self-centered tendencies, or serious self esteem issues that hamper her ability to have a real relationship. Notice the difference between joking bragging and excessive bragging.
Consider how quickly she tries to get close to you. It's okay for a girl to be forward if she likes you. However, if she tries to integrate herself too quickly into your life, without letting you have a say in it, then she may be obsessive. Do you feel overwhelmed by how much she tries to contact you? Does she try to get involved in every aspect of your life: friends, family, etc.? A secure woman will feel comfortable letting you have some time to yourself, because she trusts you'll always come back to her. If you feel pressured, tell her that you want to take it slowly. Say you'd be more comfortable that way. If she listens, then she's excited but clearly respectful of you. If she refuses to accept your boundaries, then it may be time to break it off.
Beware lying. A good girlfriend is honest, even if she think you might not like what she has to say. She shouldn't be hiding things, constantly dodging questions, or keeping big secrets. Sometimes people will tell white lies (like "yes, I like your tie"). This is ordinary and not a big deal. As you two become close, she should be open about exes (if they come up), and whether she's seeing them at all in her life. Don't expect her to share everything with you. She doesn't need to tell you what she ate for breakfast, or the precise details of her time with friends. A good relationship has a healthy balance of truth-telling: saying the things that are important, and leaving out minor details that don't matter.
Notice how she talks about her past relationships. A mature person will admit she's not perfect, and that past breakups may have been partially her fault. She usually won't talk extremely negatively about her exes, unless they were truly awful or if she's still caught up in her feelings. If she badmouths her past dates, she may talk the same way about you later. Consider if she conflates facts and feelings, or calls names. "I felt really pressured and uncomfortable, so I broke it off" is different from "My ex girlfriend was an obsessive stalker-like creep." A mature woman might say things like "We were a bad match" or "He wanted so much space I didn't feel like his girlfriend anymore," acknowledging two perspectives. She may have had a few experiences that were completely the other person's fault (e.g. an abusive ex). But, depending on the circumstances, she won't always place 100% of the blame on the other person.
Recognize that some disabilities or mental illnesses can cause unusual behavior. Not all differences mean that your girlfriend is undateable. Some people have issues outside their control. As long as she never makes you feel unsafe, then she'll be a good girlfriend as long as you enjoy spending time with her. A girlfriend with an anxiety disorder might get very worried sometimes, need reassurance, and hyperventilate over things that feel small or overblown to you (such as thinking you'll leave her even though there's no way you would). A girlfriend with bipolar disorder may have mood swings she can't control. An autistic girlfriend might be sensitive, act eccentric at times, and have awful crying episodes when she gets overwhelmed. She just needs to "cry it out" and rest, and then she'll be back to normal. Paul Mason, Relationship Expert Don't ignore red flags in a relationship. If you constantly feel anxious or your boundaries are crossed, it's time to assess. Are your feelings dismissed regularly? Take steps to prioritize yourself. Seek professional help to navigate unhealthy dynamics. You deserve respect — don't rationalize poor treatment.
Moving Forward
Think about her perspective. How does she see things? What does she need? Understanding her side of the story can help you relate to her and figure out how to make the both of you happy. If you don't know why she's doing something, tell her "I don't understand why you ____. Could you explain your point of view to me?" In rare cases, her perspective might be something to understand but not honor. You don't have to give up your boundaries or tolerate abuse. For example, if her goal is to insult you and make you feel that only she will love you, that is terrible and wrong.
Consider how you might be able to handle the situation better. Many times, relationship problems are two-sided. Instead of fighting with her, try to work together with her to make both of you satisfied. For example, if she wants more time with her friends, and you are worried about drifting apart, perhaps you two decide that she has a girl's night on Friday, and then comes back to watch a movie, snuggle, and relax with you. This could start a tradition that you both enjoy. Or if she wants to talk on the phone for a long time but you have a deadline, you could tell her that you have 15 minutes, devote those minutes completely to her, and then tell her you'll be able to talk more tomorrow.
Try clear communication. It may be that your girlfriend has different expectations than you do, or doesn't realize how you feel about her behavior. Use "I" language to express how you feel. For example, "I feel overwhelmed when you send a lot of texts in a short period of time. If you just send me one, I'll text back as soon as I'm able." Or "I felt hurt when you teased me about my haircut." A good girlfriend will listen to "I" statements, and try to avoid upsetting you again.
Work out boundaries. Both of you deserve to be able to have alone time, have a social life outside of dating, and reveal very personal details only when you are ready. Neither one should be pushing the other. If you feel pressured, say so. Ask that she give you a little space when you're elsewhere, and trust that you'll come back ready to devote time to her. Similarly, let her have her own privacy and time alone or with friends. You don't need to know every detail of her life. This is important in showing that you trust her.
Consider your expectations and feelings. You should stay in a relationship because you enjoy it, and because you feel that the hard times are worth it. If you feel like it isn't working, you're allowed to break it off. Don't stay in order to "fix" a girl's issues. That's not your job, and she's the one who needs to take the initiative. You can be supportive if she wants to change, but you can't change her.
Make a clean break if you break up with her. Some people have a hard time taking "no" for an answer, and if your girlfriend is one of them, expect her to be very difficult to deal with. Don't invite her over. If she leaves lots of messages, give one message asking her to stop contacting you. Then block her if she continues. Tell your family and friends that you are broken up and don't want to see her anymore. Ask your mutual friends not to talk about it with you. Explain that you don't want them to take sides; you just want to move on.
Leave a toxic relationship. Some people are toxic, and you should get out as safely as you can (if possible). If your girlfriend ignores your boundaries, follows you, belittles you, or hurts you (it doesn't have to be hitting), then you have a very serious problem. No one deserves to be treated this way. Get advice from supportive loved ones. Ask a counselor or trained expert for advice if your girlfriend scares you. Don't go back to her. She may draw you back in. Even if it seems nice or she says she's changed, change takes time and the will to change, and it's likely it'll be just the same.
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