How to Have a Healthy Sex Life (Teens)

Learning About Safe Sex

Understand pregnancy. Every teen should educate themselves about pregnancy before any sexual activity that involves P-I-V sex. Here are a few basics that sexually active people should know about pregnancy: Pregnancy can occur anytime that semen enters the vagina. Almost all pregnancies result from unprotected penetrative sex, with the penis in the vagina. Pregnancy cannot occur between two vulva-owners. Not just cisgender women get pregnant--when a person with a penis ejaculates inside a person's vagina, they can get pregnant, whether they are trans, nonbinary, cisgender, or something else. Pregnancy is not possible with oral sex, anal sex, or non-penetrative sexual activities. Semen must enter the vagina to cause pregnancy. Precum (a fluid the penis releases in small amounts when aroused) typically does not contain viable sperm. Unlike semen, precum is unlikely to cause pregnancy, but there is a small risk.

Learn about sexually transmitted diseases. All types of unprotected vaginal, oral, and anal sex can spread sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). You can only get an STD by sharing fluids or skin-to-skin contact with someone already infected. However, most people infected with an STD have no symptoms (they are asymptomatic) but can still transmit the disease and cause major health problems (such as infertility and cancer) down the road. The US Center for Disease Control recommends annual STD testing. People with penises who do not have sex with people with penises are at lower risk, but should still be tested, especially after risky sexual behavior. Some STDs can take six months or longer to show up on a test. This is known as an incubation period and it varies with which STD and test used. If you and your sexual partner only have sex with each other, you only need to be tested once (although it doesn't hurt to get tested regularly). Get tested again if you suspect your partner has had sex with someone else, or if either of you have used injected drugs with a shared needle. Everyone should get the HPV-9, hepatitis A, and hepatitis B vaccines before becoming sexually active. If you get vaccinated after being infected with these viruses, vaccines will not be effective in treating the conditions.

Use condoms when having penis-in-vagina sex. Condoms are the most common method of birth control among teens. They are cheap, easy to use, and protect you from both pregnancy and some sexually transmitted diseases. Make sure you are using them correctly. Male condoms reduce pregnancy chance to 2% per year when used perfectly, but during typical use, mistakes or lapses increases this to 15%. Female condoms/internal condoms are slightly less effective, reducing the chance to 5% when used correctly. Do not use a female (internal) and male (external) condom at the same time. Using condoms and one of the methods below is an excellent way to protect yourself and your sexual partner.

Consider birth control pills if you can get pregnant. Birth control pills are very effective at preventing pregnancy when a female takes one every day. They do not protect against any STDs. "The pill" is available over the counter in many countries. In the U.S., you need a doctor's prescription. U.S. law prevents your doctor from telling your parents/guardian about your birth control. However, they may find out if you pay for it using your parent's health insurance. Birth control typically costs US$15–$50 per month, so you and your sexual partner may be able to pay for it yourselves. These pills are very safe for most people but may cause health issues if you have serious health issues related to your heart or blood. Smoking increases this risk. Learn about the pros and cons before taking them. Birth control pills make your menstrual cycle more regular and may reduce unpleasant side effects, such as acne and cramping.

Track the female fertility cycle. People with vaginas (and not on FTM hormones) are most fertile during ovulation and for a few days afterward. This usually happens on days 11–21 of a 28-day menstrual cycle, where day 1 is the start of menstrual flow. It's important to realize that most people do not have regular cycles, so you can't predict exactly when this happens in advance. This tells you when pregnancy is especially risky, but you shouldn't skip protection at other times of the month. Sperm can survive for a few days in the vagina, so if you're sex with somebody with a penis and you have a vagina, sex before ovulation can still lead to pregnancy. To track this, keep a menstrual cycle calendar with signs of an approaching period. If you want to be extra safe, track your ovulation.

Research other forms of birth control. There are many other forms of birth control available, from diaphragms to intrauterine devices. For more information, visit a reproductive health center such as Planned Parenthood, or talk to a doctor or gynecologist. Teens are exposed to many myths about birth control and STDs, so don't assume everything you've heard is true. The withdrawal method, where a person with a penis 'pulls out' before ejaculation in somebody with a vagina, is not recommended by most experts. While it does reduce pregnancy somewhat when followed correctly, there is a risk they will not pull out in time, or change their mind after sex has started. This method also offers no protection against STDs.

Having Sex

Decide whether you're ready for sex. Take some time alone to think through this decision. Ideally, you should answer "yes" to all these questions before you have sex: Do you and your partner understand how pregnancy and STDs work? Can you talk openly about the risk, and agree on a method or methods of protection? Do you and your partner trust and respect each other? Would your partner listen if you changed you mind and said "stop"? Are your personal values compatible with the sexual experience you're considering? Would your family and community be okay with this if they knew? If you answer "no," are you comfortable accepting that fact?

Avoid sex for the wrong reasons. Sex can be a great way for two people in a healthy relationship to have fun and express their connection. This isn't always the reason sex happens, however. Be honest about why you want to have sex, and understand which reasons are no good: Only have sex when you and your partner genuinely want to. If one of you is pressuring the other, put this to a stop and wait until both of you are ready. Don't have sex because you think everyone else is doing it. Most high school students have not had sex, and the ones that do don't have sex very often. Don't have sex to save a failing romantic relationship. It won't work.

Talk with your partner. Once you're confident you're ready for sex, talk to your partner. You need to talk about previous sexual experiences, possible STDs, what to do in the event of an unplanned pregnancy, and your views on abortion and adoption (if pregnancy is possible). Tell each other why you want to have sex. If you cannot talk to your partner about these topics, you may want to postpone sex until the two of you are able to have the conversation. Make sure you're on the same page about what sex means to your relationship. Is it just for fun? Do you love each other? Is this an exclusive relationship?

Plan ahead. If it's the first time for one or both of you, or even just your first time with each other, you're going to need privacy and time to yourselves. Arrange your agreed-upon method(s) of protection in advance, so you don't miss an opportunity. Finding privacy can be difficult, but try not to do it in your car. This is illegal in some areas. Try to restrict yourselves to one of your homes, while there are no other people around.

Take your time. There is nothing worse than a rushed first time. Go slow, and explore each other's bodies. Foreplay is necessary to help you become aroused and comfortable. This is especially important for people with vaginas, as arousal causes the vagina to become lubricated. Without lubrication, penetration can cause significant pain.

Go as far as you are comfortable. A sexual encounter can mean playing with each other with your clothes on, helping each other masturbate, or having penetrative/oral sex. Enjoy each other however you both agree to. Doing something once does not mean you have to do it again. You and your partner are allowed to have a different comfort level on a different day.

Have realistic expectations. Don't be mortified at a failure to orgasm, or at rapid ejaculation. These are common occurrences during first-time sex, or when you're feeling nervous. Also understand what a typical sexual experience is like, instead of believing what you hear in boasts, porn, or romance novels: The typical person with a penis lasts five minutes during penetrative sex before ejaculating. Some people with vulvas take longer to orgasm than their partner, or have trouble achieving orgasm from penile-vaginal sex alone. They can still enjoy sex and may choose to orgasm through assisted masturbation or non-penetrative sex.

Let each other change your mind. If you want to slow down or stop, say so. There's nothing wrong with feeling nervous or uncomfortable, or even in pain. The best way to deal with this is to take a break and go back to something you're more comfortable with. You can try again when you feel ready, whether that means in five minutes or next month. Continuing intercourse with a partner who asks you to stop is morally wrong, even if it began as consensual sex. In many regions, this is legally considered rape or sexual assault.

Talk about the experience with your partner afterwards. Did you enjoy yourselves? Was there anything that you especially enjoyed, or that made you uncomfortable? The more you can talk about it, the more comfortable you'll be with each other, and the more enjoyable your next sexual experience will be, if you decide to do it again.

Understand healthy anal sex. Among some heterosexual teenage groups, most anal sex happens when men pressure or coerce women into trying it. Do not try anal sex if you do not want to. Understand that it is generally more painful than vaginal sex. Relaxation exercises and water-based lubrication can improve the experience. Roughly 10% of straight couples and 66% of male gay couples (in the UK) practice anal sex regularly.

Having a Non-Penetrative Sex Life

Don't engage in sexual intercourse. You've determined that you enjoy being sexual with your partner, but are still not ready to have intercourse. Perhaps you're just not ready now, or you may have decided that you want to wait until marriage before you engage in sexual intercourse. If you are avoiding sex for religious or cultural reasons, understand that some of the practices in this section may be considered sex by your religion/culture's standards.

Engage in heavy petting. What is it? Heavy petting is erotic contact between two people that stops short of penetrative sex (vaginal, anal, or oral). The risk of disease and pregnancy are greatly reduced, though there is still a very small risk in either case, depending on the level of intimate contact.

Engage in non-penetrative sex. This can range from all-clothes-on dry humping to all-clothes off touching sessions including mutual masturbation and sexual satisfaction. Because orgasm is generally part of the process, it's safe to say this is sexual activity, and does carry a low risk of pregnancy or disease. However, neither result is likely. Neither partner should feel obligated to perform other sexual acts to avoid intercourse.

Engage in oral sex. While oral sex can be pleasurable for both partners, it is not without its risks. Pregnancy is not an issue, but disease transmission is still possible. The CDC reports that over 60% of U.S. residents between the ages of 15 and 24 have had oral sex, compared to about 50% who have had vaginal intercourse. The CDC study also reports that patients visiting STD clinics have shown that 5-10% have gonorrhea in the throat, and can raise the risk for infection by chlamydia, herpes, syphilis, and cancer-causing HPV, and recommends using safe sex techniques when performing oral sex.

Practicing Abstinence

Refrain from having sex. This may seem counter-intuitive to an article on having a healthy sex life, but consider this: if 2/3s of teenagers are engaging in sex, that means 1/3 are not. Also, abstinence does not mean not feeling sexual: it means not having sex. If this is the choice you and your partner have made, then do not be ashamed of it. Neither should you be ashamed to have sexual urges with your partner—it would be unnatural not to. There are some things you can do to help calm those urges, and still share the kinds of intimacies that people in love share.

Enjoy the make-out session but keep your limits firmly in place. If their wandering hands land where you don't want them, don't just try to block the move with your body language: move them away with your own hands, and say "No, I'm not ready for that." They should get the idea immediately, and respect you enough to stop that approach. This can still spread STDs and bacterial infections.

Break off the make-out session if it gets too hot for either of you to handle. It's completely natural to feel desire, but it's not required that you act on that. If you find yourself suddenly overwhelmed with passion, but are committed to remaining chaste for now, simply back off a bit and say something like "wow, that's hot, but I'm not ready to go further right now. Let's go watch a movie." If your partner doesn't understand, or is insistent, don't be surprised: they may not be quite as ready to stop as you are, and might be a little confused and flustered. However, if they remain insistent, or demanding, or even attempt emotional blackmail such as "If you loved me you would keep going," send them home to cool down, and re-think if you want to be in that situation with them again.

Understand the risks. Surprisingly, abstinence actually has a higher failure rate than condoms in preventing STDs and pregnancy. This doesn't mean you can get pregnant from kissing, of course. What this means is that a large number of abstaining teens lose their resolve and have some form of sex in the heat of the moment, often without protection. Educate yourself about pregnancy and STDs. Understanding these risks can help you stick to your plan, or run out and buy a condom if you change your minds.