How to Finesse People and Situations

Make eye contact with intention.

Locking eyes establishes the initial connection you’ll need. Eye contact creates a link between you and the person you’re looking at. It says, “I see you, and I know you see me.” Treat this as an opportunity to initiate an interaction and follow it up with more warm body language. A smile, a handshake or a pat on the shoulder are all ways of acknowledging and respecting the presence of another. If you’re finessing someone who happens to be too sympathetic for their own good, averting your gaze may be a better way to draw your target in.

Listen actively to show respect and catch details.

If you don’t really hear the other person, you won’t be able to finesse them. People have an intrinsic need to be heard, and if you seem distracted or dismissive, they’re going to resist giving you whatever you want. Pay attention. Nod your head as you listen. Really absorb the things they say, and repeat them back to yourself in your head. This will also give you an opportunity to pick up on key information you need later. If you get pulled over for speeding and the cop starts ranting about how tired they are and how they just want to go home, you’ll be able to bring that up later if you need to plead your way out of the ticket!

Remember names and use them often.

When someone hears you say their name, they feel closer to you. Take care to correctly pronounce and spell another person's name in your interactions with another. Be it conditioning or the egotistical need to feel important, there is something special about hearing one's name that makes a person more alert and more open to what is taking place between the two of you. Say you’re buying a car. Think about the difference between, “Hey, is there any way I can get a free warranty?” and, “James, my friend, I know you take care of people here, and…James, look, you know, I need some help here on the warranty. What can you do for me?”

Give compliments to build rapport.

People gravitate towards folks who make them feel good. The trick is to be genuine, though. People tend to have an unconscious knack for sensing a phony, so take the time to study a person and express admiration for a bona fide strength. This way, they’ll recognize you as a positive and supporting force in their life. You may actually want to undermine the other person if you’re already coming from a position of strength or authority. For example, if a guy is chatting you up at a bar and they’re clearly into you, a sly joke about how goofy or silly they are may draw them in even further!

Be thankful to establish a sense of calm.

Gratitude creates an environment where people are at ease. If a person takes their time, effort, attention or money to say or do anything of benefit for you, acknowledge this and express appreciation for it. Not only is this a kind thing to do, but it creates a relaxed environment. If you plan on asking them for something in the future, they’ll be more likely to give you the benefit of the doubt. This is especially key if you’re playing a longer game. If there’s a girl in your life you’re trying to get to see you in a different light, consistently expressing gratitude will really make you stand out from the crowd.

Use humor to shake off negative energy.

Try to laugh with people, not at them, when things turn for the worse. This is best accomplished by allowing yourself to be vulnerable too. Embarrassing moments happen to everyone and such should be handled with sensitivity but also with a sly wink. Redirect criticisms with by leaning into it and laughing it off. Crack a joke if things turn tense. This is a great way to change the flow of a conversation if the other person becomes suspicious of your motivation. If they suggest you might be laying the groundwork for a finesse, you could laugh and go, “What, you think I’m some kind of criminal mastermind!?” Smile and play it off.

Demonstrate empathy to receive it from others.

Put yourself in their shoes and feel where they’re at. Try to adhere to “the golden rule” in whatever situation you're seeking a resolution to. Remember the old adage that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar and try to contain any feelings of hostility. By presenting yourself in good faith, you’ll get them to lower their guard and meet you on your terms.

Drop names and reference events to raise eyebrows.

The right reference can help you look authoritative, or gauge interest. You would be surprised at how the mention of a particular name or public event could instantly elevate your status in the eyes of another. It’s also a great way to see how someone feels about a given subject. Let's say you’ve rubbed shoulders with a famous politician. Referencing them can make you seem important, and it’d be a great way to get a sense for someone’s political leanings.

Be energetic and positive.

Be friendly and fly in your appearance, words, and actions. Take pride in yourself, express positive ideas and feelings, and maintain control over the tempo of the conversation to keep things upbeat. People respond positively when they’re surrounded by things that make them feel good. On top of that, being more positive and more energetic than the other person allows you to maintain control. There are scenarios where you may want to be a little negative. It all depends on what type of energy the other person if giving off.

Identify what's in it for the other person.

If you want to get what you want, find the other person’s angle first. If you want to finesse people, you’re likely operating under the assumption that everyone is intrinsically selfish. Ask yourself, “What does this other person want?” The answer to that question will help you identify the path you need to take to get what you want. For example, let’s say you’re trying to convince a friend to loan you money. If you know your friend is a little lonely, you might talk about how you like spending time with them, or how the two of you should spend more time together before asking the question.

Leverage your position to get what you want.

When the time is right, strike fast and with conviction. You’ve softened them up. You built rapport, you established a bond, and you’ve peppered them with compliments, name-drops, and positivity. If you see an opening where they’re vulnerable, make your move.