Asking If It's a Date
Ask yourself if you want it to be a date. The answer to this question may influence your approach to how you ask the person whether or not they are asking you on a date. Are you interested in this person, or are you worried that they have romantic feelings for you when you don't feel that way about them? Try writing in a journal, talking to a trusted friend, or just spending some time thinking about how you truly feel about this person and what you'd like your relationship to be.
Work up the nerve to ask. You may feel uncomfortable asking the person outright, as it is a slightly awkward situation, so it may be necessary to build up your courage beforehand. Being courageous means you acknowledge your fear (fear that they will say no, that you will feel uncomfortable, that someone will get their feelings hurt) and press forward despite that fear. Try faking it. Pretending that you feel confident and courageous can trick your brain and help you actually feel confident. Practice how you will ask and how you will respond in different scenarios. What will you say if they say yes? If they say no? If they say they're not sure? You may want to write out your responses or practice aloud. Remind yourself that, while it may seem daunting, you are saving yourself a lot of time and potential heartache and anguish by being direct. If you are interested in the person and they say it's not a date, you can take some time to deal with your disappointment and then move on. If you don't ask, you may waste days, weeks, or months trying to figure it out and possibly missing out on meeting people who do want to date you.
Think about the best time and way to ask. Is this a friend or someone you don't know very well? If it's a friend, asking over a text message may be too casual. Ask to speak with them in person or over the phone so you can use body language and tone to your advantage. Text messages are too easy to misinterpret, and may make it seem like you don't really care or take it seriously. If it's someone you don't know that well, a text might be okay, but consider talking on the phone to minimize any mixed signals. The best time to ask whether it's a date is when the person initially invites you out. However, if the moment passes, you can still ask beforehand, so you'll both be on the same page once you meet up. You can also ask during the date, but think about how the other person might feel. Maybe they've spent half the date thinking they are out with their dream partner, only to have you ask half-way through dinner "Wait, do you think this is a date?" Talking about it beforehand gives both of you the chance to back out of the date if you want to. You may also be questioning what your hangout meant afterwards when you didn't have any questions before. For example, maybe you thought it was a date, but the other person didn't try to kiss you or send any "date" vibes. Was it a date or were they just nervous? It's okay to ask afterwards, saying something like, "I had a really great time last night, but I'm feeling a little confused about where we stand. Was that a date?"
Ask if it’s a date. Be kind, sincere, and honest when you ask the person if they are asking you are on a date or not. Don't laugh or act surprised when you ask, such as saying, "Oh my God, did you think this was a date?!" It's okay to acknowledge that it is an awkward or uncomfortable situation — just keep the other person's feelings in mind. Say something like, “I feel weird asking this. I honestly was not sure what you meant when you asked to see me tonight. Are we just hanging out as friends or is it a date?” Or you could say, “I know this is kind of awkward to say, but I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page before we go out this weekend. Is this a date or something more casual?”
Be prepared for the answer. Asking cuts right to the chase, and you need to remember that the answer might not be what you want to hear. Know that you may be disappointed by their response, or you may have to let them down if they think it's a date and you're not interested. Run through these scenarios before you ask so you'll be prepared to handle any response. Rejection hurts, whether you're the one being rejected or you have to do the rejecting. It's okay to feel disappointed or sad if things don't turn out the way you hoped. If the person says no and you were hoping for a yes, it's okay to say something like, "Oh, that's kind of disappointing. I really like you and it really seemed like you might be asking me out." You can follow up with, "I really like spending time with you, but I don't think I can do it as just friends, so I'm going to have to cancel" if you would prefer not to hang out after all. If the person says yes and you were hoping for a no, try something like, "I think you're an amazing person, but I don't have romantic feelings for you. I'd really love to still hang out, but if you're not up to it anymore, that's totally fine." If you and the other person agree that it is or isn't a date, you can laugh off the temporary awkwardness and you can enjoy your time together without worrying about what it "is."
Reading Signals Before the “Date”
Think about how they act around you. If they have ever seemed interested in you, then it might be a date. Being flirtatious (giggling and teasing, holding eye contact, etc.); joking around with you; and being touchy with you are signs they might like you. A long history of hanging out as just friends, however, may mean this is not a date. If they seemed nervous or excited when the plans were established to see each other, it might be a date. If the person is usually calm and cool and could barely get the question out or look you in the eye when they asked, it's a sign they're probably interested in you.
Figure out how you are meeting. If they pick you up or want you to pick them up, it is a good sign that it is a date. They might want to pick you up because they have something planned or don’t want you to flake. If they invite you to come over, it might be more casual of an event. Notice if the person opens the car door for you. This can be standard for older people regardless of their feelings for the other person, or it may be something the person always does. If it's not their usual behavior, however, and they open the door for you, it indicates the person may care about you as more than a friend.
Ask if there is a plan. If they have suggestions or a plan, it might be a date. Especially if the plan is dinner, a movie, a hike, or something else that is traditionally done on a date. It is a very good indication it is a date if they make a reservation. It is less likely to be a date if they do not seem to care what you do, invite you over to just hang out, or suggest you play it by ear. Finding out if they have a plan can be as simple as asking what they want to do. Say something like, “Hey! What did you want to do on Friday?”
Think about when they want to see you. Has this been planned for a week or did your “date” invite you over last minute? If they gave you plenty of notice, it is more likely to be a date than if they suggested you come over last minute. Wanting to see you at odd times, like in the middle of the night or in the middle of work times, could also mean it is not a date.
Pay attention to what they refer to it as. It's unlikely the person referred to it as a "date," even if that's what they are. To minimize the chance of rejection, a person may ask you to "hang out" when they really want a date. Or, the person may see it as a totally casual thing, and just "hanging out" is exactly what they have in mind. If the person suggests hanging out, don't make any assumptions about whether or not it is a date. If the person says they'd like to get to know you, see you, or spend time with you, it is more likely they are asking you on a date. If they asked you by saying: “I would love to see you Friday night to get to know you better,” it might be a date.
Find out if you are going to be alone or at a group event. If they invite you to hang out with a bunch of their friends or go to a party with them, then it is probably not a date. If they want to see you one on one, it is more likely that it is a date. You can subtly find out if it is going to be a group thing ahead of time by asking. If you want it to be a date, try saying, “Hey! What are you and I doing on Saturday?” If you emphasize that you just want it to be “you and I” when you ask, they will hopefully get the hint.
Reading Signals During the “Date”
Evaluate their outfit. It might be a date if they show up in a dress, heels, or slacks, or it just appears in general that they put in an extra effort to see you. If your “date” is wearing an unwashed sweatshirt and it looks (or smells) like they didn’t even bother to shower, then it is probably not a date.
Watch how they interact with you. If they ask you questions about yourself, pay attention to you, look at you often, listen to you, and generally seem like they care about you, then it is likely to be a date. It might not be a date if they are barely paying attention to you and are not trying to make conversation.
See if they talk about their love life. If it was a date, you would be their current love life, not whatever they are talking about. It is not a date if they are going on about another person they are interested in, asking for relationship advice, or hitting on other people during the date.
Read their body language. You can tell a lot about a situation based on someone’s body language. If they lean toward you, put their arm around you, try to hold your hand, or turn their body toward you, they might be interested in you. Whereas, if they are leaned over in the opposite direction, barely even noticing you’re on the other side of the couch, then it is not a date. If they seem a little too comfortable and relaxed, you might be hanging out as just friends. If they are nervous or fidgety it might be because it is a date.
Watch if they try to pay or want to split the check. If they offer to pay for you, it is likely a date. If you offer to pay and they decline, pay attention to how they decline. If they seem weirded out you offered to pay at all, then it might not be a date. If they seem flattered but insist on paying for themselves, it might be a date.
Notice how they say goodbye. If they kiss you goodbye, then you can probably assume it was a date. Giving you a hive-five or handshake or simply just saying goodbye are not signals you just went on a date. It might not have been a date if they seem really offhand and casual about the goodbye (“See you later. Bye”). If they say a thoughtful goodbye, it is more likely it was a date. (“I had a great time tonight. I hope I see you again soon.”)
Figuring it Out After the “Date”
See if they call or text you after the date. If they contact you after the “date,” whether it is the next day or even a few days later, it is a good sign that it was actually a date. Saying something like “I had a great time the other night,” or asking to see you again are good signs it was a date.
Check their social media posts. You can check their social media to help you figure out if it was a date. If they post something about the “date,” then it was probably a date. A picture of the two of you on their Instagram captioned “Had a great time last night!” means it was probably a date. If their social media is full of pictures with other girls or guys they seem interested in or they seem like they might be in a relationship, then it might not have been a date.
See if they want to hang out again. If they ask you out again, it was probably a first date and they want to go on another. Even if you are pretty certain it was not a date, it might have been a precursor to a real date. They could ask you out still. They might have wanted to hang out as friends and get to know you before they asked you on a real date.
Deal with rejection in a healthy way. If things didn't go as you planned, such as if you thought it was a date but walked away realizing the person clearly isn't interested in you romantically, take some time to deal with your feelings. It's okay to cry, vent in your journal, punch a pillow, eat a bowl of ice cream, and grieve for a little while. Remind yourself that most of the time, rejection doesn't actually have a lot to do with you. Though it might be hard, try not to take it personally.
Sometimes people aren't in a place where they're ready to date. Think about other people you have loved, valued, and cared about, but have not wanted to date. Now picture that this is how the other person sees you. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you — you can still be a wonderful, valuable, worthwhile person if this person doesn't want to date you. Spend time with friends and people who care about you. Do something fun to distract yourself. Let it go. If the person says they aren't interested in dating you, don't see that as a challenge to change their mind. Respect their decision and their feelings.
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