Adjusting to the New Relationship
Show support for the relationship. Even if it means swallowing your ego, be genuinely happy simply because he is happy. Even if you aren't thrilled with his choice of a girlfriend, keep your negative opinions to yourself and let them get to know each other. A simple and straightforward way to show support can be by saying something like "Hey, man, it really looks like Vanessa makes you happy. As long as she's making you happy, she's alright with me!" The worst thing you can do is pretend the new girlfriend does not exist or refuse to talk about it. If he feels it is a good thing, then it is important that you openly show support for the relationship.
Get to know her. Remember why you like and trust your best friend, chances are he is a great guy and is pretty competent in choosing a girl to date. You just may end up liking her, too, or not. You don't have to like her to support your friend. You might choose to hang out with the two of them sometime to see what she is like. You can ask her questions about where she's from, her family, hobbies, or goals. Doing this will show to your friend that you are making an attempt at getting to know her. Remember you do not need to be her friend to support your friend feeling happy about the relationship. It's your job as a friend to want the best for your friend, but you don't get to choose what is best for him.
Try to be happy for your friend. You are there to be a friend, not a parent, therapist, protector or anything else. In a true friendship, you should want your friend to be happy. If he is happy, share in the joy. If he is not happy, that's really for him to figure out. Be honest with yourself. Does your friend seem to genuinely like the new girlfriend? Can you spot any clear indicators that she's a bad person? If you answered "yes" and "no", then she's probably a decent choice for him right now. Show your happiness by asking him about the relationship, inviting them as a couple to social events, and spending time with them together.
Keep any negative opinions of your friend's girlfriend to yourself. Unless you are asked, it's probably in your best interest to keep your mouth closed about what you don't like about your friend's new girlfriend. They just might shoot the messenger and you end up on the bad side. Be aware that any negative feelings you have towards her may be tied to you not liking the time you are missing with him instead of a real problem with her. Don't let your feelings cloud any advice you feel like you need to give to your friend.
Maintaining Your Friendship
Cherish the time you and your friend spend together. It should be about quality and not focus on getting “equal” time. The best part of the friendship is loving and cherishing the moments you have with your best friend. Your relationship should not change too much simply because he's in a new relationship. In all reality, you are not the girlfriend. You will not win the battle to get equal time and could end up without a friend at all if you force the issue. Make sure your friend knows you enjoy the time and it is important to you. At the same time, keep good boundaries about him not committing to spend time with you and later backing out to see his girlfriend. Be realistic about how he will balance your friendship and the new girlfriend.
Be open to double or group dates. Instead of fighting for time, see if it is possible for at least part of the time you are together to include your partners. That way you get the opportunity to spend time with your best friend and get a front-row seat to how happy she makes him. The more you spend time with them together, the more secure you might feel about his new relationship. Even if you are not sure about this new girl, your friend will appreciate the effort you put out to get to know her. At the very least you get to spend time with your friend you wouldn't otherwise get to since he would be with her.
Suggest you have a day out with the girlfriend. If you have any reservations about your pal's new gal, you can alleviate your concerns by spending some one-on-one time with her. Tell your friend that you were hoping to get to know her better and see if he thinks it's a good idea for you two to plan an outing together. Go somewhere you would go with your friend--maybe the park, the arcade, or to a sporting event. You're not dating her, of course, but going somewhere alone might help you get to know her better, and, thus, ease your worries.
Get used to hearing about relationship ups and downs. A big part of being a good friend is being supportive. It may be hard to hear about the great parts of his relationship so you may find yourself focusing on the worst of the worst. Do not fall into the trap of talking bad about her—listen and let him lead the conversation.
Overcoming Jealousy
Question why you feel threatened by your friend's new relationship. Part of this might be tied to the lack of structure of your friendship since both family and romantic relationships come with structure and future expectations. Realize that changes in your friendships are a part of growing up and getting older. As each of you finds love and start your own families, the time you have for friends may lessen. However, it doesn't change the value of that time. It may be tough at first to see how you fit into his life if the romantic relationship is new and they are really focused on the future “we”.
Refrain from starting a relationship impulsively. If you are now the only one who is single, you may be tempted to get in a relationship. You are not in competition with him for his time or for some level of happiness tied to being in “love.” Feeling jealous is normal, so be aware that you may not really be looking for a new romance as much as you are hoping to fight the jealous feelings. You don't have to be in a relationship just because your best friend is.
Come to terms with your own feelings for your friend. If your best friend's new girlfriend caused you to feel jealous, you may want to examine whether you were interested in your friend romantically. It's quite common to feel something for a friend, and then have those feelings challenged when a date enters the picture. You may have reached an impasse in your relationship in which you cannot turn back. You will have to decide if you want to tell your friend about your feelings. This can be a risk since it could seem like you are only trying to break up his new relationship. Keep in mind, also, that feelings are fleeting. You may not want to tell your friend if you think there's a chance your feelings are temporary. Telling a friend that you have a crush can drastically change your relationship. On the other hand, it may be hard for you to stand by and watch as he dates another person. Talk to someone you trust and ask this person for advice on what to do. Do not act irrationally--think over your options before you take any action.
Expect to have to share your friend's time with his girlfriend. There are still only 24 hours in a day and now there are more people trying to split those hours. Anticipate a change and you will less likely be thrown off your feet when suddenly he doesn't have as much time to hang out with you. It is estimated that a new romantic relationship costs you two friendships. This happens due to the fact that you suddenly have less time for friends. If your guy friend is important to you, you need to be prepared for less time with him, if you want to continue being friends.
Recognize that you do not have to compete for attention. You serve a different role in his life than the new girlfriend and neither is in direct competition. Try to be secure with the knowledge that the two of you were friends before, and you will probably continue to be friends—whether she stays or goes.
Balance your time by hanging out with other friends. You and your best friend may have always spent every second of every day together. Now, he has to share his time. Be cool about this and merely schedule in social activities with other friends or family members who also value your presence. Doing this can help you feel less rejected by your friend's new relationship. Chances are, you may have neglected some other relationships in favor of spending time with your bestie. Take your newly discovered free time and use it to reconnect with those you have been neglecting. They'll surely appreciate the extra time and attention.
Comments
0 comment