How to Deal with Helicopter Parents

Noticing the Signs

Take note of how often your parents attend events with you. It is normal for your parents to attend large events and they may come to support you during your spring recital or graduation ceremony. However, if your parents stay with you during student-only events or are the last parents to leave a sleepover, their presence becomes stifling, overprotective and counterproductive. This is a common scenario for helicopter parents. This is also an indicator that your parent is so concerned for you that they don't trust you to be alone or to make decisions on your own.

Notice how often your parents help you with simple tasks. Do they help you with tasks that you already know how to do? As a school-aged kid, did they help you tie your shoelaces? As a teen, do they pay close attention to how you wash the dishes? Do they insist on doing certain things for you such as picking out your clothes or driving the car even though you are capable? If your parents can't recognize when their level of intervention becomes too much, they may be helicopter parents.

Think about your developmental milestones. Were they delayed because of your parents? Your parents may shelter you from the usual consequences as you learn to deal with your world, making it difficult for you to learn from mistakes. For example, your parents may check every homework problem to ensure it is correct or they may have kept training wheels on your bike for longer than normal. Through this, they are attempting to protect you from doing something "wrong." Maybe they are frustrated and want to hurry you along the learning process or perhaps they are afraid to let you make mistakes. However, you need to experience the setbacks that help you build resilience and you need to be able to welcome the lessons that challenges hold. And, you can only do this if your parents stop shielding you from each and every point of potential failure.

Think about how much control your parents exercise over your day-to-day activities. Do you choose your own clubs and activities to attend? Or do you just have to go along with a schedule brimming with extracurriculars your parents have selected for you? Do they tell you the "best courses" to take in high school? Do they tell you who are the "best friends" to make? Helicopter parents often make nearly every decision for their child, preventing them from expressing their opinions and establishing their own interests. Your parents may be attempting to force upon you a childhood they wish they'd lived themselves. It's important to recognize that you are your own person and need to be independent of their control. They can't choose your future for you even if they want to.

Think about the times your parents stepped in for you when you were arguing with someone. Helicopter parents don't like admitting that their child is wrong, so they often defend their child from consequences. Even if their child treated someone unfairly or is lying, they will try to shelter their child from the fallout of their actions. Their protective instincts may blind them to the actual context of the situation. Did your parents believe you or your siblings more when you argued — and were they actually listening or just blindly taking sides? Parents should stand up for their child when they are being bullied. However, being a shield for your child in each and every situation will disrupt development of problem-solving skills.

Talking to Your Parents

Have a chat with your parents. If their parenting style is bothering you, schedule a time to chat with them to discuss how you can improve your relationship. Ask them what went into their parenting decisions. It may be that they never thought deeply about their parenting style and are merely propagating the parenting style of their parents. Asking each parent about their childhood may bring insight to you and to them. Try not to force the conversation to your forgotten conclusion, and let them talk. The goal is for both you and them to become comfortable in conversation. While you may not cover everything you wanted to in one chat, this topic can be revisited as your relationship begins to change.

Calm yourself before starting the talk. If you've never sat down and chatted with your parents about important things, the prospect of talking face-to-face about your deep feelings may feel intimidating. To minimize your worries, draft your talking points beforehand. It might help to draw up a talk then recite it in front of the mirror every day for a week. When you feel prepared, approach your parents when they are free, such as on the weekend). Use "I-language" instead of blaming them. This is more respectful. Say something like, "I feel embarrassed when you help me with things I know how to do." or "I feel frustrated when my decisions are made by you. I feel like I have no say in what I want to do." Negotiate with your parents on how to solve this issue. They can loosen some rules while keeping some other rules/boundaries. A solution must work for both sides.

Set some boundaries with your parents. To avoid them micromanaging your life, make your personal boundaries clear to them. If you don't appreciate your parents managing your friend groups, talk about how it makes you feel. Having to tell your parents about every friend you make could make you feel embarrassed or stressed: tell them that. Remember, they can't read your mind. They may not realize the full extent of the stress their parenting style puts you under. If they don't agree, work toward a compromise. If they keep checking your devices, you can agree to let them block certain websites in exchange for having privacy on your computer.

Dealing with Helicopter Parents

Prove to your parents that you can do things yourself. Helicopter parents might constantly remind you to do things when you forget. They may be firm in their beliefs, unwilling to see that you can manage and take responsibility for your own affairs. To prevent this, you need to prove to yourself that their preconceptions of you don't define who you actually are, and approach life productively. Create a checklist of all the tasks you need to do each day. Then, work through them, one at a time. Be time-efficient. Complete your assignments and chores on time every day, and avoid procrastination.

Don't react to nagging. Nagging is when someone constantly reminds you to do something. If you forget to do one thing or are planning on doing it, use the broken record technique. Say, "I will do (task)" over and over, reminding your parents that constantly asking you isn't going to change anything.

Negotiate with your parents when you need to make important decisions. Talk about a decision with your parents before proceeding. Inform yourself of the possible outcomes of your decision before you make it, and back yourself up with some research to get your parents to trust you. Avoid making a large decision by yourself: your parents won't trust you if you exclude them from the process.

Teach yourself things. If your parents haven't taught you something yet, you may as well learn it early. This will help your parents trust you, as you are displaying independence and a naturally inquisitive outlook. If your parents are talking about improving your math grades, start studying, and asking for help in your math class to improve them. If your parents are discussing your future college finances, search up ways to make money in your neighborhood to support your tuition.