How to Deal with a Narcissistic Friend

Identifying a Narcissistic Friend

Notice if the conversation always seems to turn back to them. Narcissists typically lack empathy for other people, so they can make any conversation about them. You might try discussing your own situation or bringing up social issues or current events. However, the focus will always turn back to them. For instance, you might notice the following: All of their problems are harder than yours. They’ve faced the same problems as you, but they handled them much better. Their experiences are more exciting or upsetting than yours. No matter what you do, they’ve always done something better. They have a personal connection to every important event that happens.

Recognize if they always seem to take, but are never willing to give. Narcissistic people see every relationship as one-sided, with them playing the starring role. That means your friendship will involve you giving them what they need or want. However, they will be unwilling to reciprocate and may even back away when you expect them to be there for you. For instance, they may expect you to always be available when they want to make plans but may be unwilling to work around your schedule. Similarly, they may want to talk when they’re dealing with an issue but refuse to listen to your problems.

Observe if your friend often seems to manipulate others. Think about the experiences you've had with your friend, then ask yourself questions about their behavior. For instance, does your friend always seem to get what they want? Have you caught them in a lie? Do you feel guilted into doing things for them? If you answer "yes" to these questions, then your friend may be a narcissist. As an example, a narcissist may try to make you feel bad for them in order to get things from you. Similarly, they might do something nice for you so that you “owe” them, but then make really big demands of you.

Consider if your friend seems to lack empathy and remorse. Although narcissists are not all sociopaths, they may struggle to have empathy and remorse because they’re often selfish and think their needs are most important. That means your friend may care more about their own emotions than yours or anyone else's, and they may not notice when they’re being hurtful. When they make a mistake, they likely won’t express remorse because they’ll blame someone else. Let’s say it’s your birthday and you’re having a special get-together with your friends. A narcissistic friend may have no problem making other plans, even though your feelings get hurt. If you confront them about this issue, they may blame you for picking a bad time or a restaurant they don’t like, or they might blame an external factor like the weather. If you told a narcissistic friend that it doesn't make you feel like the friendship is equal when they don't ask you anything about your life, their response may be counterintuitive, like that it's your problem and not theirs.

Notice if your friend projects their bad qualities onto others. In most cases, a narcissist will deny they have any bad traits. Instead, they’ll accuse other people of having those traits. This allows them to feel like they’re the good person, while everyone else is the problem. For instance, your friend may accuse you of being the real attention hog, or they may accuse you of being controlling even though they’re controlling you.

Recognize that your narcissistic friend may be afraid of rejection. Sometimes the grandiose, self-centered bravado of a narcissist is covering up a low self-esteem. These types of narcissists are called “vulnerable” because they are masking insecurities. That means your friend may lash out if they feel like you’re questioning them or rejecting them. You may notice that your friend feels attacked really easily or gets upset over the smallest issues. For instance, they may get really upset when you and another friend do something without them, even if they weren’t available to go. That’s because they fear that you two will reject them.

Addressing Their Behavior

Flatter them for a quick fix for problem behavior. Although it’s not a long-term solution, complimenting and praising your narcissistic friend can quickly get them on your side. You can use this technique to prevent your friend from ruining an event or making something all about them. However, using it too often may get them used to it. It might be hard to give your friend compliments when they don't deserve them, so don't do it if it makes you uncomfortable. You may save this technique for times when you honestly have something nice to say about them. This works because narcissists like to think highly of themselves and want you to recognize how great they are. You might say… “I invited you to my party tonight because you’re always a good time. I’m sure I can count on you to make everyone feel welcome!” “You look so beautiful tonight, but I’m worried you might outshine the bride. I’ll bet everyone will think you’re a really amazing friend if you keep a low profile.” “I know you’re really knowledgeable about this topic, but I think Edgar will feel bad if you correct him after his speech.”

Laugh off their behavior if you don’t think it will hurt their feelings. At times, your narcissistic friend might tell outlandish stories or act unreasonably, which can be frustrating. When this happens, pretending their antics are a joke can make them stop temporarily. They want you to be impressed with them, so they will likely back off if they realize you aren’t buying their story. Don’t try this if you think your friend might get hurt by your laughter. This works best if your friend really thinks they’re better than everyone else. For instance, say, “Haha, that would be hilarious,” or “You’re so funny.”

Get them on board with plans by making them feel important. You shouldn't have to go out of your way to make your friend feel good, but doing so might make it easier to get them to do want you want. In addition to making them feel important, you might let them think an activity was their idea or that they're somehow benefiting from it. Do your best to frame things in a way that makes them feel like they’re getting something out of the situation, and you should be able to have a pleasant time. For instance, let’s say your friend group is going out to dinner to celebrate a friend’s accomplishment. You might let your narcissistic friend pick the restaurant or may celebrate several accomplishments at once, including something they did. Similarly, you might be doing a group activity, such as karaoke. To keep your friend from derailing the fun night, you might heap on praise or tell them the only reason you wanted to go to karaoke is that they’re so good.

Ignore them if they are being unreasonable. While you likely care about your friend, you aren’t responsible for their needs. You deserve to have your own boundaries, so don’t be afraid to ignore your friend when they’re being inappropriate. Don’t allow them to yell at you, guilt you, or blame you for things they do. Get away from them when you need to do so. Give yourself time to calm down before you try to deal with them again. If you’re stuck with them, you can still ignore them. Put on some earbuds to block them out, pretend to take a nap, or ask another friend to be a buffer.

Recognize and avoid situations that bring out their narcissistic behaviors. Your friend may display their narcissistic habits more when their ego is threatened. For instance, your single narcissistic friend may act rude during events where couples are present, while your know-it-all narcissistic friend might get insecure when people are more educated than they are. Plan activities that you know don’t trigger their insecurities. Sometimes it may be best to avoid inviting them to events you know will just upset them.

Talk to them about the specific behaviors you want them to stop. If you want your friend to change for the long-term, you need to tell them what’s bothering you. Be direct about what needs to change, and what you’d rather they do instead. Let them know that you value them as a friend, but you aren’t going to accept mistreatment. Plan out what you’re going to say in advance so it’s easier. Since they’re likely going to get defensive as part of their narcissism, it helps to be prepared. Say, “I feel like you don’t care about me when you interrupt me,” or “It bothers me that you only want to hang out on your terms.” Don't give up what you enjoy doing because you're worried about how this friend will act. If you want to do something that you know will likely set them off, don't invite them to go. You deserve to enjoy the things that make you happy.

Getting Your Needs Met

Stop trying to please them. A narcissist may try to make you feel like you’re inadequate, which makes you work hard for their approval. However, they’re never going to give it to you. In their mind, you’re there for your needs, and they’re always going to be “better” than you. They’ll always cut you down to make themselves feel better. Instead of worrying about what your friend thinks, do what pleases you. Be the kind of person that you look up to and respect.

Avoid telling them things they can use to hurt you. A narcissist may hurt your feelings to make themselves feel better, so telling them about your insecurities is the same as handing them live ammo. This isn’t the friend you want to spill your guts to, so keep your lips sealed. Don’t tell them about your fears, worries, faults, or embarrassing stories. They may tell others to humiliate you, or they might throw them back in your face when it suits them.

Stay on track with your own goals rather than letting them distract you. Spending time with a narcissist can tear down your self-esteem or may make you feel like what you want is not important. Don’t let your friend make you feel bad about what you want or change your goals based on their opinions. They aren’t looking out for what’s best for you, no matter what they say. Your choices should reflect your wants and values. Don’t worry about what your friend thinks. When you need advice, talk to friends or family members who care about you and what you want.

See a therapist if you’re struggling to set boundaries. You need to speak up for your needs, but that can be hard. Fortunately, a therapist can help you learn how to set healthy boundaries and maintain them. That way, you can stand up for yourself when your narcissistic friend is mistreating you. Look for a therapist online or ask your doctor for a referral. Your insurance may cover your therapy sessions, so check your coverage.

Spend less time with them, if necessary. It’s hard to give up a friend, but you don’t deserve to spend time with someone who makes you feel bad. If they continuously make you feel bad, take a break from your friendship. During that time, re-evaluate why you want to stay friends with them. Follow your gut. If you think you need a break from them, go ahead and take it.

Consider ending the friendship if your relationship is toxic. Unfortunately, relationships with narcissists are often toxic, and you deserve better. If your friend is constantly tearing you down, controlling you, or manipulating you, then it may be best to cut them out of your life. Tell them you don’t want to be friends anymore, using “I” statements. Then, block their phone number and social media accounts. Say, “Lately I don’t feel like you’re respecting my decisions, so I think it’s best we don’t stay friends.”

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