Slowing Down with Someone
Recognize the signs that you're rushing your relationship. You're probably rushing your relationship if you've recently started dating your partner but already think they're "the one." It takes time for true love to develop, so give yourself time to get to know your partner and fall in love. Here are some signs that you might be rushing: You're spending all of your free time with the person you're dating. Your relationship is mostly physical. You can't stop texting them. You're constantly posting about your relationship. You feel afraid of losing them after 1-3 dates.
Spend time with friends and family to take your mind off the relationship. When you meet someone you like, it’s normal to want to see them as much as possible. However, spending all of your time with your new romantic partner rushes your relationship. Instead, make plans with your friends and family members. This way you’re out having fun and your mind is off your new relationship. For instance, let’s say you have a date with your new partner on Friday night. Make plans with your friends all day Saturday so you won’t be tempted to see your romantic interest again.
Keep plans you've already made with friends. When you really like someone, you might not think twice about dropping what you’re doing to see your love interest. At the same time, doing so creates an unhealthy dynamic in your relationship and puts too much of your focus on your new partner. Stick to your original plans even if the person you’re dating wants to see you. Instead, tell them when you are available and try to schedule a date then. For example, let’s say you’re planning to do karaoke with your friends on Friday night, but your romantic partner calls and asks to go out. Say, “I already have plans with friends tonight, but I’m available tomorrow. Could we go out then?”Tip: You might worry that they won’t have time to see you on another day. However, someone who’s truly interested in being with you will make the time to see you. If your romantic interest isn’t putting in the work to see you, they’re likely not as committed to the relationship as you are.
Continue to date around until you know a person well. When you find a person who seems to check all your boxes, it’s normal to want to focus all of your attention on them. However, you don’t actually know them that well. Don’t become exclusive with them until you’ve gotten to know each other and you’re both ready to be exclusive. You don’t need to tell the other person you’re dating other people unless they ask. Similarly, don’t bring it up with them until you’re interested in being exclusive.
Wait until you’ve gone on at least 3 dates to get intimate. It’s up to you when you become intimate, and it’s okay to explore your sexuality. However, having sex early in a relationship might make you feel connected to the person too soon. If you have a tendency to rush relationships, wait until you’ve gotten to know the person a bit before you take things to the bedroom. You might decide to wait longer if you don’t feel like you know the person well enough. For instance, you might wait until you’ve been dating for a whole month.
Focus on making a connection and not on building a relationship. When you’re trying to find “the one,” you’re more likely to rush into things with every romantic partner you find. Ironically, this can make it harder to find the right person for you. When you first start dating someone, don’t worry if they’re “the one” or if there’s a future with them. Instead, try to make a connection with them and see where that goes. Get to know the person you’re dating! Try to find their best qualities and their flaws. If you realize that the relationship isn’t working, it’s okay to go ahead and break things off. However, don’t assume that someone is your soulmate because they seem perfect for you after 1 date.
Building a Healthy Relationship Gradually
Be honest about what you want in a relationship after a few dates. Honesty is essential for a healthy relationship. Plus, telling your partner what you want ensures you won’t pretend to have the same goals as them to continue the relationship. Discuss what you each want in a relationship after you’ve gotten to know each other over a few dates. You might say, “I want to take things slow, but I’m looking for a relationship that will lead to a marriage,” or “I’m looking for a serious relationship, but I want someone who will support my career choices.”
Maintain your relationships with your friends and family. Don’t focus all of your attention on your partner, as it creates an unhealthy dynamic. Continue to spend time with your friends and family even after you’re committed to your relationship. This will help both you and your partner be more fulfilled. For instance, text your friends and close family members daily, and see them at least once a week. Spending too much time with your romantic partner can make you dependent on each other, which can make your relationship progress too quickly.
Keep your feelings to yourself until you're sure you're in love. You might feel like you’re in love early in the relationship, but don’t tell your partner until you've had time to be sure. Sharing your feelings too early in the relationship can create a level of intimacy and commitment neither of you is truly ready for. Additionally, it might make you focus on an idealized version of your partner rather than their real self. Wait until you’ve gotten to know the person well enough to be sure you're in love. For instance, hold off on saying “I love you,” even if you feel it.Tip: It’s understandable that you’d envision a future with the person you’re dating. However, don’t bring up topics like marriage or children at the beginning of your relationship.
Be honest about your partner’s flaws. No one is perfect, so your partner will have some flaws. Early in your relationship, it’s likely that you’ll only see their good qualities. Over time, recognize their flaws, as well. Otherwise, it’ll be difficult to form a healthy relationship with them. As an example, your partner might be a little messier than you’d like. If you think your partner is flawless, you’re probably projecting an image that you have onto them. Try to get to know the real them.
Avoid making big decisions until you’ve been dating for several months. You might fantasize about moving in with this person or having a child together after just a few dates, but don’t jump into a big commitment so fast. Make a rule for yourself that you won’t make any big decisions until you’ve been together for a certain amount of time, even if you think it’s the right choice. This will help you build a healthy relationship instead of rushing things. As an example, you might decide that you won’t talk about moving in with them until you’ve been together for longer than 6 months. Additionally, you might commit to holding off on an engagement until you’ve been together for longer than 2 years.
Focusing on Yourself
Pursue your personal goals and not just a relationship. Imagine your ideal life, then write down the things you’d be doing. Create a list of goals that will help you get what you want most in life. Break those goals into measurable objectives, then start checking off each step. This will help you create a great life for yourself so you can find the right partner to fit into it. As an example, you might decide that you want to open your own business and buy a house. Your immediate goals might be to start business school, work on your business plan, and save for a house.Tip: When you’re living your best life, it’s easier to find a good partner and to build a healthy relationship. You’ll attract better matches and have the confidence you need to make the right decisions for you.
Enjoy being single to help you wait for the right partner. It’s normal to feel afraid or depressed about being alone. However, being single can be a wonderful time in your life if you focus on what makes you happy. Spend this time pursuing your hobbies, having fun with your friends, and exploring your options. When the time is right, you’ll meet the right person for you. For example, take a class to learn something you’ve always wanted to try. Use this time to accomplish a goal that’s important to you, like writing a book or earning a degree. Travel and try new things. Spend your free time with friends and family so you know you’re loved.
Take a break from dating if you’ve recently gone through a breakup. Going through a breakup is really painful, and you might be tempted to get into a new relationship to help you feel better. However, rebounding from one relationship into another too fast won’t be healthy in the long-term. You’ll likely project feelings you had for your ex onto your new partner, and it’ll be hard for you to take things slow. After a breakup, give yourself a month for every year you were together to work on yourself. If you were dating your ex for less than a year, give yourself at least a week for each month you were together.
Work with a therapist if you feel like you need a relationship. Sometimes, rushing into a relationship can stem from your childhood experiences or a mental illness. Fortunately, a therapist can help you get to the root of your need to be in a relationship. Additionally, they’ll teach you how to change your thoughts and behaviors so you can make better choices for yourself. Ask your doctor to refer you to a therapist or look for one online. Your insurance benefits may cover your sessions, so check your benefits.Tip: For instance, conditions like borderline personality disorder or ADHD may trigger an impulse to get into a relationship too fast. Similarly, you might have trouble taking things slow if you’re afraid of rejection because of experiences in your childhood.
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