Defusing a Tense Situation
Let go of the issue if bringing it up is unlikely to improve the situation. In some cases, the best way to avoid a conflict is to let it go and avoid bringing it up at all. Ask yourself what the benefit of bringing up the issue might be. If there are no potential benefits, don’t bring it up. This can be difficult to do, especially if you have strong feelings on the matter, but it may be more beneficial to let it go in the long run. For example, if you and a friend or family member disagree about a political issue, then it might be best to avoid discussing that topic. If the person brings it up, change the subject. Try saying something like, “Hey, that reminds me. Do you want to go see that documentary about Abraham Lincoln? It looks great!” Tip: Keep in mind that it’s not always possible to avoid conflict. You might need to address some issues head-on. For example, you might want to address a situation to prevent a similar issue in the future or to maintain your personal integrity, such as if you are involved in a workplace conflict.
Express your opinion in a respectful way if it will make you feel better. If you really feel like you need to speak your mind to the person, that’s fine. However, it’s important to do so in a calm, respectful manner. Don’t yell at the person or cast blame. Use “I” language to express your concern and avoid becoming emotional. For example, if you’re upset with your significant other for not consulting you before spending a large amount of money, try saying something like, “I feel left out when you don’t ask my opinion before making a major purchase. I’d really like it if I could have a say in the future.” Or, if you are angry with a friend for sharing something you told them in confidence, you might say, “I feel hurt that you told other people about my secret crush on Jacob. I didn’t want anyone else to know about it.”
Postpone the conversation if you need more time to think. There’s nothing wrong with putting off the conversation until you’ve had a chance to think it through and calm down. Give yourself a day or two to think the situation over and get your thoughts and feelings sorted out. If you still are feeling bothered by the conflict after some time, reach out to the other person and ask them to have a conversation. For example, if you’re having a disagreement with a friend or family member, try saying something like, “I want to discuss this with you, but I’m not ready yet. Can we talk about it later this evening?” Or, if you’re caught in a conflict with a coworker, you could email or say something like, “I need a little more time to process this, but I’ll get back to you as soon as possible!”
Point out that arguing will not make the situation better. If the intensity starts to build between you and someone else, take a moment to identify what’s happening and explain why it is not productive. This may help to take things down a notch and enable a calm discussion between the two of you. For example, if you’re fighting with a significant other, friend, or family member, try saying something like, “We can sit here and yell at each other all day, but it’s not going to solve our problem. Let’s work together to find a solution instead.” Or, if you’re caught in an argument with a coworker, try saying something like, “We’re not moving towards a solution to our problem. Let’s sit down and calmly discuss this issue instead.”
Use humor to defuse tense situations when appropriate. There are times when you might be able to make a joke to express yourself and avoid getting into an argument. However, don't make a joke at someone else’s expense or say anything mean-spirited. Always make sure to keep your comments playful, yet respectful. For example, if your best friend is chronically late when you make plans together, you might make a joke about it by saying something like, “The next time you aren’t looking, I’m going to set all of your clocks ahead by 20 minutes!” Or, if a coworker often criticizes your work, you might joke about it by saying, “Hey Linda, would you mind taking a look at my proposal? If you like it, then I think we’ll get the job for sure!” Tip: Make sure to smile when you use humor to reinforce the idea that you’re joking and that you don’t want to argue about it.
Respond to minor problems before they escalate. If you begin having problems with a co-worker, friend, family member, or significant other, act immediately. Talk with the person and involve a mediator if needed to resolve the issue. Don't wait for the issue to clear up on its own or it may get worse. For example, if you and a significant other or close friend start to bicker about little things, sit down with them and talk about it. Ask them if something has been bothering them and if there’s anything you can do to help. Or, if you and a coworker frequently get into minor arguments about things you disagree on, ask a human resources manager to act as a mediator to help the two of you discuss the issue.
Talking with the Person
Arrange a time to talk when you won’t be interrupted. Decide on a time when you can be alone and when you will have plenty of time to sit and talk about the issue. Choose someplace neutral to meet up as well so that neither of you will feel vulnerable. The location may be private or semi-private depending on the nature of your conflict. Try sending the person a message or saying, “I’d really like to talk with you about something later today. Can we plan to meet in the conference room at 3:30?”Tip: If you’re concerned that the situation might escalate based on past interactions with the person, try having a mediator present for your conversation as well.
Describe the issue in terms of what happened, not what the person did. It’s important to avoid casting blame or focusing on the person’s actions when you talk with them about the issue. Focus on the problem rather than the person, such as by saying what the issue is and what needs to happen now to resolve the issue. Avoid mentioning character traits that you think may have brought about the problem. For example, if you’re having an issue with a coworker, you might say something like, “Because this deadline was missed, we need to make up for lost time.” Don’t say something like, “You’re incompetent and you missed the deadline, so now we’re all behind.” If the problem is between you and a family member or friend, you might say something like, “The garbage didn’t get taken out on time, so we’re going to have to make a dump run.” Don’t say, “You’re lazy and you didn’t remember to take out the garbage even though I reminded you, so now we’re surrounded by filth!”
Listen carefully while the other person shares their perspective. Once you have expressed the problem to the person, give them a chance to talk and listen carefully to what they have to say. Face them, make eye contact, and put away anything that might distract you, such as your phone. You can also nod your head and make neutral statements to indicate that you are listening, such as “yes,” “go on,” and “I see.” If the person says anything that’s unclear to you, ask them to clarify, such as by saying, “What did you mean when you said that you didn’t get instructions from anyone?” Ask them questions to encourage them to keep talking as well, such as, “What else do you think might work?” or “How does that make you feel?”
Suggest joining forces to find a solution to your problem. Once you have expressed the problem and listened to their side of the story, focus on finding a solution. Ask them to help you find a solution to promote teamwork and show them that you don’t want to dwell on what happened. For example, in an issue with a coworker, you might try saying something like, “Now that we know what needs to get done, let’s figure out a way to make it happen! What do you think might help?” Or, if you’ve just identified what’s bothering your significant other or friend, you might say, “Okay, so you don’t like it when I ask you about your job because it stresses you out. Would you prefer that I don’t ask at all, or do you just want me to ask less often?”
Look at conflicts as opportunities to learn and grow. If you do end up in a conflict with someone, try to focus on the positives. Even though encountering conflict can be unpleasant, it can help you to grow as a person and develop new skills. Try to focus on the positives of any conflicts you encounter and embrace them. For example, if the conflict is with your significant other or a friend, it may help to bring you closer together in the end. Or, if the conflict is with a coworker, you may learn a new strategy for dealing with professional conflicts as you work to resolve the issue.
Dealing with Heightened Emotions
Vent about the issue to a trusted friend or family member. Choose a friend or family member who will not share what you’ve said with other people as this could make the situation worse. Instead, choose someone who is trustworthy and who you feel comfortable talking to about the issue. Talking about the problem may help you to feel better and identify ways of resolving it without escalating the situation. For example, if you are having an issue with a coworker, you might tell your significant other or a parent about it. If you’re dealing with an issue with your significant other, you might talk with a group of close friends. Spending time with your friends can also improve your mindset and help you to feel better.
Pay attention to how your emotions affect you physically. If you are trying to avoid a conflict, the best thing you can do is stay calm. To do this, check in with yourself regularly to see how you feel. Note if you feel upset and where in your body you notice the sensations. For example, anger might manifest as tightness in your chest, a fluttering sensation in your stomach, or tension in your shoulders.Tip: Try to perform a body scan a few times throughout the day to see if you are holding any tension in your body. Start by noticing how you feel in your toes and then move upwards to the top of your head. Then, focus on releasing it using massage or deep breathing.
Practice relaxation techniques that you can use to calm yourself. Getting upset will only make a potential conflict worse. It will not help to resolve the issue, so it is best to stay calm. If you notice that you are feeling stressed or upset, use a relaxation technique to calm down, such as deep breathing, yoga, or meditation. Practice the relaxation technique daily so that you will be able to use it to relax whenever you need it. For example, you might take 15 minutes before you go to bed each night to use your chosen relaxation technique. The more often you use it, the more effective it will be.
Empathize with other people when you encounter a conflict. Empathy is the process of putting yourself into another person’s shoes to identify how they feel. This can help you to better understand why someone might say and do certain things and make it easier for you to relate to them. Practicing empathy can also help you to develop your emotional awareness in general. To practice empathy, try asking yourself what the other person might be feeling before you react to them. You can also look for facial clues, such as a furrowed brow or tears to gain insight into their emotions.
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