- Make sure you’re comfortable with the emotional and practical challenges of being married to an inmate, such as limited visitations and restrictions on physical contact.
- Most prisons have strict rules surrounding marriages, weddings, and visitations. Talk to the warden or read the facility’s rules online before planning a ceremony.
- On your wedding day, make sure to follow the prison’s dress code and obey directions from the staff. Most prisons don’t allow conjugal visits.
Deciding to Marry
Make sure you’re ready to commit to someone who’s behind bars. Love makes marriage possible, but it doesn’t make it easy—especially if the one you love is incarcerated. Before you commit, make sure you’re able to handle being separated from your partner for days or weeks at a time, if not longer. Consider your children (if you have any) and their needs, plus the emotional costs of maintaining a relationship with an inmate. If your loved one is serving a long sentence—or a life sentence—it’s possible that you’ll spend many more years apart than you will together. If the release date is soon, you and your spouse will have to adjust to their newfound freedom and being newly married—at the same time.
Research the prison’s rules for marriages and wedding ceremonies. Depending on the facility, you may need to submit a written request or other paperwork before the marriage is approved. There may also be rules regarding where the ceremony is performed, if family members can be present, and whether photographs, flowers, or other traditional wedding elements are allowed. Every correctional facility has its own regulations, so be sure to check the rules for the specific facility where your loved one is incarcerated. Check the facility’s website, or talk to the prison chaplain, warden, or another official who can give you instructions and answer your questions. Not all prisons allow inmates to marry, and in some cases, particular inmates may not be allowed to marry for security reasons.
Talk to a relationship counselor prior to getting married. A good counselor can help you and your partner address the challenges that come with marriage and incarceration. For instance, you may not necessarily be able to see each other very often, despite being married. You should discuss how this might affect your relationship, along with financial concerns, family obligations, and what your plan will be for when your loved one is released—or how to cope with them being behind bars for life. If possible, seek counseling both individually and together as a couple. Some prisons require this prior to allowing an inmate to marry. Counseling will likely benefit you and your relationship after your partner is released. Keep in mind that prison marriages have an even higher failure rate than marriages in which incarceration is not a factor.
Consider the benefits of being married to an inmate. Spouses are sometimes permitted to visit inmates more often and receive special treatment as a close family member. A few states even allow conjugal visits. You’ll also have special legal privileges such as the right to refuse to testify against them in court, the right to have your private conversations treated as confidential under the law, and the right to speak directly with their attorney. This could come in handy if your spouse becomes eligible for parole, or if you decide to fight to overturn their conviction. State-run facilities in California, Connecticut, Washington, and New York allow conjugal visits in certain cases. Ask the warden whether conjugal visits will be permitted once you and your spouse are legally married. Federal prisons and facilities in other states do not allow conjugal visits at all.
Think about the challenges. While you might get to visit your spouse more often, you probably won’t be able to see them for more than an hour or two at a time, a few times a month. Visits usually take place in common areas where prison officials, other inmates and their families will be present, so you won’t have much privacy. You’ll also have to cover the costs of travel—not to mention phone calls to and from the prison, which can be incredibly expensive. Remember that this will go on for years, possibly decades, until your spouse is finally released. You won’t be permitted conjugal visits unless your loved one is in a state-run facility in California, Connecticut, Washington, or New York. Federal prisoners aren’t permitted conjugal visits. Inmates are sometimes transferred between prisons, which means your loved one may be moved somewhere far from where you live. Federal inmates are sometimes moved across the country. If your loved one is incarcerated for life, it’s unlikely that you’ll ever get to have a normal life together.
Arranging the Wedding
Complete all paperwork required by the prison. Many state and federal prisons require a packet of paperwork to be completed by both potential spouses before granting permission for the wedding to take place. The specific paperwork and procedures vary between facilities, so check with the warden or other appropriate prison officials to confirm what you’ll need to submit. Once your paperwork is submitted, a prison official may approve the marriage and you’ll be able to choose a date for your ceremony. Some common paperwork requirements include proof that both potential spouses are of legal age to marry and a statement explaining why the wedding is being requested while one potential spouse is incarcerated Your incarcerated partner may be interviewed by prison officials before the marriage is approved. This is done to confirm that the marriage will not cause safety issues for the prison or interfere with their rehabilitation. In some cases, prison officials may request to interview you as well. Unfortunately, prison officials have the final say in whether an inmate is allowed to marry.
Set a date for the wedding ceremony. Unlike in a traditional wedding setting, correctional facilities may have strict guidelines about when weddings can and cannot occur. Check the facility’s website or ask the warden if there are restrictions on when your ceremony can take place. For instance, you may only be permitted to have a ceremony on certain days of each year, or specific days of the week.
Obtain a marriage license for you and your partner. Every state requires potential spouses to get a marriage license prior to becoming legally married. Contact the warden or other appropriate official in the facility to determine the process for obtaining this license. In most cases, the inmate and the non-incarcerated partner are responsible for any costs or fees associated with obtaining the marriage license.
Find an officiant for your ceremony. In some facilities, only a prison chaplain can officiate weddings. However, you may be able to request an exception on religious or personal grounds. Check the facility’s rules or ask the warden if you can choose your own officiant. If you are permitted to choose an officiant, you’ll likely be responsible for any additional costs for having them travel to and from the prison. An outside officiant will have to undergo security screenings, just like any other visitor.
Arrange for guests to be present at the ceremony. Not all correctional facilities allow guests to attend weddings. For witnesses, they may require you to use prison officials or other inmates. If the facility does allow guests, you may only be able to invite specific people, such as immediate family members, or only a specific number of guests. Guests entering the facility may need to pass background checks or request approval prior to the ceremony. Guests may also be subject to clothing restrictions. For example, the facility may not allow heels, open-toed shoes, or clothing that exposes too much skin.
Getting Married
Choose wedding outfits that conform to the facility’s dress code. As with guests and the officiant, there will likely be clothing restrictions for the marrying couple. The inmate might be required to wear their prison uniform, while the spouse coming in may not be allowed to wear a formal tuxedo or gown. Talk to the warden or check the facility’s dress code for specific guidance on wedding ceremonies. Avoid revealing clothing such as low-cut necklines, spaghetti (or no) straps, exposed waistlines, etc. Clothing with multiple places for storing contraband, such as cummerbunds and flowing skirts, might not be allowed or could result in being patted down. Metal objects like belts, jewelry, and clothing decorations are likely to set off the metal detector.
Leave cell phones, cameras, and other contraband at home. “Contraband” is any item or belonging that’s prohibited in the facility. These can also include outside food (including a wedding cake), computers, or other electronic devices—and of course, weapons and illegal substances. Talk with the warden or other appropriate prison official for a list of what items may not be brought into the prison for the ceremony. Certain items like books, magazines, and gifts may be allowed, as long as they conform to the prison’s guidelines.
Follow the facility’s rules and obey all instructions from the staff. Prison officials will likely be standing by during your ceremony to ensure that no rules are broken, but it’s best to talk to them prior to the ceremony to know what is and is not allowed. For instance, there be might restrictions on physical contact, such as whether and how you can kiss once the officiant pronounces you married. After the ceremony, you may be permitted to spend time together as a couple (under supervision), but this isn’t guaranteed.
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