- Invalidation occurs when someone dismisses or rejects your thoughts, feelings, or behaviors.
- Invalidating behavior includes eye rolling, ignoring someone, or interrupting them in conversation. Invalidating phrases include telling someone to “move on” or “get over it.”
- On the other hand, emotional validation is when you accept and try to understand someone's feelings. For example, you might say: "That must've been so difficult for you."
Emotional Invalidation: Meaning
Emotional invalidation is when someone dismisses or ignores your feelings. When someone emotionally invalidates you, it says: your personal experience is wrong or insignificant. It tells you that your feelings aren't important. When done repeatedly and intentionally, invalidation is considered a form of emotional abuse, because it can make you question your feelings (and in worst case, even be used to manipulate). That said, sometimes it's done with positive intent: it can also be an attempt to cheer you up when you're down. Emotional validation: on the other hand, this is when someone recognizes your feelings and acknowledges them as important. It doesn’t mean they agree with your opinion or think you’re right, but they hear you, see you, and understand your perspective. Though, as mentioned, the intent behind invalidation can be either positive or negative, the results are usually negative. They might leave you feeling misunderstood, frustrated, and alone. It is important to break emotional invalidation down into two parts: the intention and the impact. Someone can have the best of intentions, including us—but if it lands with the other person and hurts them, we need to acknowledge this and take steps to repair the situation or move on.
Examples of Invalidation
Physical invalidation Invalidation can include rolling your eyes or ignoring someone. Physical invalidation involves nonverbal actions that make someone feel unimportant or irrational. It can be a brief microexpression, or it might be repeated behavior that suggests the listener doesn’t care about the conversation. If you’re unsure whether someone is invalidating your feelings, look out for the following signs: Playing on their phone when you’re talking to them Hiding behind a screen or book during conversation Not making eye contact or scanning the room when you’re speaking Suddenly walking away during the middle of the conversation Giving you the silent treatment by ignoring your calls and messages Raising their eyebrows or smirking in response to you Other gestures that imply boredom, like fidgeting, crossing arms, and turning their body away from you Interrupting you or redirecting the conversation to themself
Invalidating phrases Verbal emotional invalidation often means telling someone to "move on" or "get over it.” People who invalidate others may use phrases that seem reassuring but are actually careless, tactless, and apathetic. They often emphasize that someone's situation isn’t as bad as they think, or that there are “more important” issues going on in the world. Regardless of the intention, verbal invalidation downplays someone’s emotions, and here are several common phrases: You're being way too sensitive. Don’t be so dramatic. Stop taking things personally. It could be worse. You’re overthinking things. It’s all in your head. I don’t get the big deal. You’re misinterpreting things. I’m sure it wasn’t that bad. Are you sure that’s what really happened? Don’t be a cry baby. Life’s hard. Grow up. Move on. Everything happens for a reason. I’m sorry you feel that way. There’s no reason to be upset. Let’s look at the facts. At least you still have your job.... I don’t feel like having this conversation with you.
Negative Effects of Emotional Invalidation
Difficulty managing emotions If you’re frequently invalidated, you may feel confused or doubtful about your experiences. You might feel disconnected from the world, and this can lead to unhealthy behavior, such as social isolation or suppressing your emotions. Over time, you might be so conditioned by someone else's invalidation, that you start to do it to yourself. This can be harmful if you’re experiencing serious distress. After a traumatic event, for instance, you might tell yourself, “other people have it worse than me” or “maybe I’m just overreacting” instead of seeking professional help. Instead of processing negative emotions and moving past them, this person might just invalidate, repress, and even feel guilty for their negative feelings (because they believe they're being "dramatic or sensitive).
Low self-esteem or mental health issues Since invalidation is the process of someone rejecting your emotional experiences, it can make you feel lonely, worthless, and insecure. Repeated exposure can have a negative impact on your self-image and worldview, which may lead to more serious conditions like anxiety, depression, eating disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). If you’re feeling this way, remember that you don’t have to go through these emotions alone! Write down your feelings, then reach out to a therapist to find the right treatment for you. Find a therapist in your local area, or look for one online through sites like BetterHelp or GoodTherapy.
Decreased intimacy in relationships Invalidation is one of the most serious communication mistakes partners can make because it causes emotional pain (and possibly irreparable damage). When someone is invalidated by their partner, they may feel unloved or uncared for, leading to low self-esteem and distrust. This makes it increasingly difficult to connect with their partner on a deeper level and maintain a healthy, committed relationship. Address emotional invalidation in your relationship by letting your partner know how their behavior makes you feel. To avoid coming off as accusatory, use “I” statements to express yourself, such as, “I don’t feel heard when we talk about our finances and future plans.” If your partner constantly invalidates your experiences, it might be a sign that you’re in a toxic situation. If they don’t make an effort to understand your emotions (after you confront their behavior), seek couples therapy or consider ending the relationship. Just because someone invalidates you doesn't mean you need to let them. It's okay to break this pattern and validate yourself. If you acknowledge the hurt as related to the intention or impact, it will help you recover more quickly. You'll begin to recognize if others are capable of this type of repair, or if they're stuck in the invalidation cycle. Learning to spot this capability will help you determine if this person is willing and open to change. It can also help set the stage for communication and advocating for your feelings to be inserted into the situation, regardless of their invalidation.
Why do people invalidate others?
People invalidate because they can’t process other peoples' emotions. Whether it's due to a lack of time, energy, or empathy, some people just can’t sit down and understand another person’s situation. They might be preoccupied with their own problems, or feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed in the moment. It doesn’t mean they don’t care about the person who is venting, but they might not be in the right headspace to offer support. If your emotional experience is triggering, for instance, the other person might change the subject to avoid reliving past trauma or discomfort. Other times, the person you’re speaking to might have a low level of emotional intelligence: they simply can’t read your emotions or put themselves in your position.
Sometimes, people unintentionally invalidate others to cheer them up. This type of invalidation usually comes from close friends and family members. They might minimize or dismiss their loved one’s emotional experience in a poor effort to console them. While the goal is to help the other person feel better, their invalidating words (or behavior) communicates that the other person is overreacting, making them feel even more isolated, confused, or worthless. Well-intentioned invalidation can look like: problem-solving before understanding the other person’s experience, downplaying their emotions, or saying statements like “just ignore them” or “things will get easier soon.”
Some people knowingly invalidate others as a form of manipulation. When done intentionally, emotional invalidation is considered a type of gaslighting because it aims to make someone question their experience. Invalidation, in this instance, implies the other person is irrational, wrong, or lying, and abusers are known to use invalidation as a tool to manipulate people—it allows them to blame their victims and minimize their abusive behavior. Intentional invalidation can look like: blaming the other person who’s venting, judging their response to a situation, minimizing their feelings or experiences, or denying that something happened. Popular invalidating phrases used by manipulators include: “you’re being crazy,” “you’re not remembering correctly,” and “you don’t know what you’re talking about.”
How to Validate Someone’s Feelings
Actively listen when someone speaks to you. Validation starts by giving your undivided attention to the other person in conversation, and acknowledging their feelings and emotions. Put your phone away, maintain eye contact, and focus on being there for them—even if their feelings are difficult or unpleasant. When you actively listen to someone, it communicates that you genuinely care about them, making them feel safe and supported. During conversation, give brief verbal responses to show that you’re listening such as, “I see,” “Uh-huh,” or “Okay.” Or, physically comfort the other person by holding their hand, rubbing their back, or giving them a hug. After the other person finishes speaking, reflect on their feelings, then summarize their experience to show empathy. You might say, “I can totally see why you’re upset right now. Your friend didn’t show up after you canceled plans to meet them, and it made you feel unimportant to them.”
Ask them if they want advice or a listening ear. Many people just want to be heard when they tell you about a problem. Before opening your mouth to say “look on the bright side” or “you should do this,” stop and listen carefully to what the other person is telling you. Let them fully express (and process) their emotions, then ask them how you can help. If you’re unsure whether they’re looking for advice, validation, or a fresh perspective, ask them! You could say, “How can I help? Do you want advice or just someone to talk to?” As a general rule, strive to talk less and listen more. Avoid interrupting or interjecting the other person until they finish speaking, and focus on simply being there for them.
Share a similar story to normalize their feelings. If possible, show the other person you understand their perspective by recalling a similar experience you’ve had. Explain exactly how you felt at the time, how you handled the situation, and what you learned from it. Then, tie it back to what the other person is currently going through to make them feel understood. For example, if your sister feels excluded from her friend group, you might say, “I totally understand why being left out feels hurtful. In high school, I also went through a similar experience with my friends, and it made me feel so alone. I did make new friends a few months later, but at the time, it was really difficult. It’s not fun to be left out.”
How to Cope with Invalidation
Take time to identify and accept your emotions. If you’re upset or overwhelmed, reflect on your experiences, then try to determine what you’re feeling inside. Observing and describing your thoughts can help you recognize your emotions and better understand yourself. Write your feelings down in a journal if you’re having trouble identifying or expressing them. If you’re experiencing unpleasant emotions, try to stay in the present moment instead of ignoring pushing them away. Remember, you’re allowed to feel sad, hurt, angry, or any other emotion, and your emotions aren’t permanent. In general, processing and accepting your feelings makes it easier to eventually move past them. The goal isn't to dwell too long on things that make you miserable, but rather, let yourself feel your emotions, then try to move forward.
Use positive affirmations to boost your self-esteem. Once you acknowledge your emotional experience, practice self-validation to normalize your feelings. The more you respect, accept, and appreciate yourself, the less likely you are to sit too long in negative feelings. After all, you know you deserve to feel free and content! Affirm your emotions out loud, and remind yourself of your best qualities daily. If you’re feeling insecure, self-love affirmations can challenge your negative thoughts and increase your confidence. You might say: My feelings are valid. I am worthy of love and respect. Not everyone likes me, but that’s okay because I love myself. I tried, and that’s what really matters. I bring so much to the world. I am special and rare, and I am more than my accomplishments or failures. It’s okay to cry. Everyone has bad days, and I am still a valuable person.
Distance yourself from those who constantly dismiss your emotions. Now that you’re familiar with invalidating behavior and expressions, pay close attention to the people surrounding you. If someone always criticizes or judges you, rejects your experiences, or makes you feel like you’re “crazy,” interpret it as a sign to limit your time and energy around them. Instead, build relationships with people who love and respect you, and you’ll notice a major boost in your self-esteem! To deal with toxic people, confront them by saying they are invalidating your experience. People who genuinely care about you will reconsider their behavior and try to be more supportive, while those who constantly make excuses will avert blame or become defensive or angry. Even though some people shun the idea of social acceptance, it's perfectly normal to look to others for approval. At the end of the day, validation lets you know that you’re okay and things are going to get better, and everyone wants to feel loved, supported, and respected. When this is a family member or co-worker, you may still engage in day-to-day interactions. It's important to set your own internal boundary if they do not change. Then, you may need to continue advocating for yourself regardless of their behavior. Though this can be exhausting, you're worth it!
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