How to Talk to a Narcissistic Husband

Use “we” language.

Share the blame between you two so your husband doesn’t feel attacked. If there’s one thing a narcissist can’t do, it’s accept blame (even if they’re totally at fault). If you’re bringing up an issue with your husband, try to include yourself in the issue as well so he doesn’t feel like you’re attacking him. This will usually lead to a more productive conversation since you’re starting out on the right foot. “I noticed we’ve been falling behind on chores a bit lately. Could we talk about a chore chart again?” “We seem to be having some communication issues. How could we work on those together?”

Stay calm, even if he gets angry.

Staying calm helps deescalate a situation before it blows up. If your husband comes to you and starts yelling or berating you, take a deep breath, and do your best to remain calm. If you can keep your own emotions in check, he’s much more likely to follow your lead, so you can avoid a huge argument. Staying calm in the face of his anger can be difficult, but keep reminding yourself that you’ll have a much more productive conversation if you can avoid blowing up at him. Feel free to excuse yourself if you need to. Sometimes, saying, “I just need 5 minutes. I’ll be right back,” can give you a few minutes to yourself to regroup. It's always important to approach your conversation with a clear mind, especially if your husband doesn't speak to you with any empathy.

Pick your battles.

Narcissists are very sensitive to criticism. In a perfect world, you’d be able to talk to your partner about anything that’s bothering you, big or small. However, when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you only want to bring up the big things. Learning to let things go will help you avoid conflict in your relationship, and it can make you both much happier in the long run. Your husband leaving crumbs on the couch? Probably not worth fighting over. Your husband calling you names and making you feel belittled? Definitely worth bringing up. Your husband forgets to take out the trash? If it’s a one-time thing, you can let it go. Your husband constantly blaming you for things you didn’t do? Worth talking to him about. Although narcissists often act like they're superior, they often have a profound sense of worthlessness that's easily set off.

Combine any criticism with a compliment.

You can appeal to your husband’s ego to make him more receptive. If you ever have to bring up something that might sound like criticism to him, try to put it in a “compliment sandwich.” Start out with something positive, then tell him your constructive criticism, and end it with another positive thing about him. “You’ve been working so hard at your job lately, I’m so proud of you. I know you must be tired when you come home, but would you mind putting your dirty clothes in the hamper instead of on the floor? I know you want to make things easier on me because you’re such a good husband, and this would help me out a lot.”

Let negative comments roll off your back.

Narcissists will often say pointed, mean things to rile you up. The best thing to do in this case is to brush off his comments and keep going on with your day. The more you can ignore the rude, nasty things he says, the less he’ll try to use them to lower your self-esteem. It can be tough, but try to remind yourself that if you don’t respond, he doesn’t get any satisfaction out of it. Using humor is another good way to shut down mean comments. Try saying something like, “Wow, that was a good insult. Did that take you a while to come up with?” to stop him in his tracks.

Move on instead of waiting for an apology.

Unfortunately, narcissists aren’t very willing to apologize to others. If you and your husband get in a fight, he’s probably going to try to move on, even if you feel like he owes you an apology. Asking him to say he’s sorry will only make him angry—do your best to move on instead of waiting on him to do the right thing. It can be hard to move on without an apology, especially when you deserve one. Try to remember that your husband most likely knows he should apologize, but his disorder makes it impossible for him to do so. Sometimes, narcissists will give you gifts or make gestures instead of saying “I’m sorry.” If your husband buys you dinner or gives you a bouquet of flowers after a big fight, take that as his way of apologizing.

Try not to brag about your accomplishments.

Narcissists often feel threatened by the people around them. If something awesome happens to you and you want to tell your husband about it, keep it low-key, and try not to make him feel threatened. Tread carefully when telling him about work promotions or getting a raise—unfortunately, he could take it as an attack on him. “Oh, did I tell you I got that promotion at work? Yeah, we’ll see if I can handle it. Anyway, how was your day?” If you do want to gush about something really cool that happened to you, try calling up a friend or family member instead.

Set and maintain clear boundaries.

Boundaries will help you feel more powerful in your relationship. Oftentimes, narcissists will push their partner’s boundaries to take control of the other person. Be sure that you’re setting (and sticking with) hard boundaries that you don’t let your husband cross. “If you keep yelling at me, I’m going to walk away. I won’t listen to you when you’re like this.” “Please don’t criticize me in public, it makes me feel uncomfortable. If you keep doing that, I won’t go out on dates with you anymore.” “I don’t want to fight with you in front of the kids. This can wait until later.”

Trust yourself over your husband.

People with NPD will often lie or exaggerate to make you feel bad. As you interact with your husband, it’s very important that you have a good sense of self, and that you hang onto that so you don’t let him get you down. Take a quick inventory of who you are: what do you like about yourself? What are your hobbies? What do your friends think of you? Then, keep those things in mind the next time your husband tries to make you feel bad about yourself. If your husband says something like, “You can’t do anything right,” think to yourself, “My friends know that I’m a strong, capable person.” If your husband tells you, “You’re so boring,” you might think, “I have fun hobbies that I enjoy, and other people like hearing about them.”

Lean on your support system.

Your friends and family can be a source of comfort in your life. Being married to someone with narcissistic personality disorder isn’t easy, and oftentimes, they can’t give you everything you need out of a relationship. Talk to your friends and family when you need to, and don’t be shy about getting advice from them, either. Try to bond with people who love you and want the best for you. If you can be your authentic self around them, you can come back to your husband feeling refreshed and ready to handle his behavior. Over time, people might get frustrated hearing about your husband’s behavior, and they could advise you to leave him. If divorce isn’t something you’re considering, you may have to keep your complaints about the relationship to yourself.

Encourage your husband to seek therapy.

People with NPD can treat their symptoms with professional help. If your relationship is getting tough to handle, talk to your husband about seeing a therapist. There, he can talk about his struggles and learn how to cope with his tendencies, all while maintaining a loving relationship with you. People with NPD are often resistant to trying therapy. It may take some time before you convince him to go. You could also suggest trying couple’s counseling. If you go together, he may be more inclined to follow through.