Keeping Your Cool
Note the physical signs of emotion. Most often anger, frustration, or some other strong emotion is behind our tendency to lash out at others. Emotion puts you in a fight-or-flight mode, which means that your body will show physical signs of increased tension. Learn to recognize these signs – it will help you nip your reaction in the bud and lessen the chance of confrontation. Pay attention to how you feel. Are you tense, anxious, or frustrated? Do you feel your heart starting to race? Your emotions are rising. Note your body language, too. Our emotional state often translates into the body language we take, and you may be showing an aggressive posture. Are you frowning or sneering? Have you clenched your fists into balls? Do you have something to say? You may also have a strong urge in a confrontational mood to interrupt.
Breathe deeply. You're more likely to be combative and less likely to process information and listen when your body is in a fight-or-flight mode. To calm yourself, try to breathe slowly and with measured breaths. This should help to relax your central nervous system. Breathe deliberately. Inhale and exhale slowly, counting to five both ways, and take a long and deep breath before saying anything. Don't talk too fast! Slow down if your thoughts and speech are racing and remember to breathe.
Don't butt in. When you're feeling confrontational, you want to dispute and challenge other people. Interrupting to quibble about a point or a criticism is a dead give-away that you're being difficult and is not helpful behavior – it makes you seem aggressive and insecure. It also means that your emotions are still out of control. Make yourself count to ten every time that you have the urge to interrupt. It's likely that the conversation will have passed to something else after ten seconds and your point won't matter. Try going all the way to twenty if you're still tempted. Make an effort to stop when you butt in, too. Catch yourself, stop talking, and apologize to the other person for rudely interrupting.
Get a rain check. You might find that your emotions are too high to have a calm discussion. In that case, ask the other person if you can continue the conversation later and politely excuse yourself. No one will benefit from a talk if you're being overly confrontational. Put off the conversation, but don't avoid it. Ask for a rain check, i.e. “Bill, can we have this talk a bit later? Now's not a good time for me. How are you later this afternoon?” Express the importance of the conversation to the other person as you excuse yourself, too, i.e. “I realize that this subject is important for you, Tasha, and I want to discuss it calmly with you. But I'm sort of worked up at the moment. Let's try later.”
Use other strategies to manage your stress. Emotion and confrontation breed stress. Try to find strategies so that you can better manage your stress, relax, and release the tension that is behind your tendency to be combative. Less stress will also improve your physical wellbeing. Experiment with techniques that slow your breathing, focus your mind, and relax your body. Learn to meditate, for example, or try yoga or tai chi. Other forms of exercise also have a relaxing effect. You'll feel more at ease and calm after walking, running, team sports, swimming, or other kinds of workouts.
Communicating Without Confrontation
Rehearse beforehand. There is a big difference between being confrontational and expressing yourself honestly and assertively. One is aggressive, the other is calm but firm. If you have problems with being confrontational, give yourself the best chance to stay calm by practicing. Know what you want to say beforehand. Think of the points that you want to get across to others. Say them out loud or write them down so that they are imprinted in your memory. Practice until you have your points planned out like a script. This way, you can check yourself if you get derailed and come back to the script.
Use “I” statements. Another good way to be assertive but not confrontational is to use “I” statements. “I” statements let you speak for yourself – that is, they express your thoughts and opinions without coming off as accusatory or putting words into someone else's mouth. Favor these sentences rather than those starting with “you.” For instance, say something like “I'm not inclined to agree” rather than “You're wrong.” Or, “I feel under pressure right now” rather than “You're always attacking me.” “I” statements are also useful in expressing your wants or desires, i.e. “I'd like some help around the house” instead of “You never help me with housework.” Or, “I would appreciate more support from you” rather than “You only look out for yourself.”
Avoid counter-criticism. To become less confrontational, you will need to develop the ability to take and give feedback respectfully. This can take self-control and openness. More than anything, avoid the temptation to lash out and to criticize when a friend, loved one, or co-worker is trying to give you feedback. Resist the urge to criticize a person who is giving you feedback or an opinion, i.e. “You're just being a jerk, Tim” or “I can't believe that you, of all people, would say that to me.” Also try to avoid deflecting criticism back onto a person, i.e. “What are you talking about, Jim, you do the same thing all the time!” Reader Poll: We asked 226 wikiHow readers about the communication skills that most attract them to someone, and only 6% named assertiveness as the most appealing trait. [Take Poll] While it’s good to stand up for yourself, make sure you’re also being a good listener and taking in any feedback.
Don't take things personally. Avoiding confrontation will require you to be more patient and less reactive. Don't immediately read criticism as an attack and try to give your friends, peers, and loved ones the benefit of the doubt. They are most likely not trying to provoke you. Ask yourself why you feel under attack. Is it because you feel offended? Do you feel ganged up on? Are you lashing out because of frustration? Think a bit about who is giving you feedback. Family members and loved ones will probably not attack you but are trying to help out of love.
Listening to Others
Give others a fair hearing. To be less confrontational, try to put yourself in the other person's shoes and understand how he or she feels. This is called empathy and it begins with listening. Hear others out, learn to listen effectively, and learn to listen actively. Try to focus on what the other person is expressing. Listen – you don't have to say anything at all to start. Just let him speak his mind. Resist the urge to interrupt. You will have a chance to express your side of the story. Meanwhile, try to convey that you're paying attention by giving cues like nodding your head or by saying “Yes” or “I understand.” Try to do this without butting in.
Suspend your judgement. Ignore your own opinions and feelings for the time being, until your peer has said his or her piece. This will be challenging, but keep in mind that your goal is not to interpolate your viewpoint but to understand the other person's. Focus on this other experience. All that you are doing is to suspend your judgement and opinions. It doesn't mean you will have to accept the other person's perspective, just to temporarily let go. For starters, don't disregard the other person's views out of hand. It is rude and confrontational to tell someone that they should just “Get over it” or “Deal with it.”
Paraphrase. One way that you can listen more intently to another person and take in what they are saying is to engage with them actively. Try paraphrasing. This is when you restate what you've heard in slightly different words to make sure that you understand correctly. You might also ask questions. For instance, repeat back the main point once your peer has said something, i.e. “So, what you're saying is that you don't think I respect you” or “So, you seem to think that I'm too confrontational. Is that it?” Paraphrasing shows that you're listening respectfully to the other person. It also helps you better grasp his or her perspective. Try asking some questions, too. Aim for open-ended questions to draw out more of a response. Ask something like “Why is it specifically that you think I don't listen? Can you give some examples?”
Affirm what you've heard. People will appreciate it if you take a moment to affirm their views. You can do this even if you don't agree. Just let your friends, loved ones, or colleagues know that you have listened to and understood what they've said. For instance, you could say something like “Well, James, I don't exactly agree with you but I respect your position.” Or “Thanks for speaking freely, Fatima. I can tell this is important for you and will give it some thought.”
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