Building a Relationship
Be an active listener. Let the child determine what you talk about at the beginning of your relationship with them. Show interest in the things they say by smiling, responding, and asking questions to get them to say more. If they are telling a detailed story on their own, let them talk for as long as they like. Some children will open up about their problems sooner than others but remember that the child will talk about whatever is important to them at the time. Listening to whatever they want to talk about helps them begin to trust you. You can bring up topics of concern to discuss with them gradually, once it seems like the two of you are getting along. Be genuine and don’t act like someone you’re not. Children will recognize when you’re being showy. Help the child think through their struggles critically to help problem-solve.
Set some realistic expectations. Talk to the child about their goals. If the child is older and their goals are unhealthy or unsafe, discuss other goals with them that will lead to longer-term happiness. Let the child know that you believe they can do well, make it clear you expect them to try to reach the goals you set together, and that you will help them in the process. For instance, a young child may have goals related to making more friends or improving their grades. Discuss with them concrete ways they can do this, such as talking to new people, being helpful, listening to the teacher, and asking for help with their homework. A high school kid may say they want to become famous, or they simply want to graduate high school. Ask open-ended questions, like asking why they want to achieve their goals and how they plan on doing it. Talk to them about ways to manage their time between the things they have to do, such as school work, and their hobbies, such as sports or music.
Treat them as an individual. Troubled kids often feel as though they are viewed as just “bad” by adults and that they are all the same. Take note of things that your particular mentee is interested in, and comment on the things they talk about. Ask them questions about their families, friends, and hobbies to get to know them better. For instance, if they talk to you about a certain music artist that you're unfamiliar with, you can say, "I don't think I've heard them before. Will you put on a song?" Active listening is once again a huge part of treating the child as an individual. Talk to them positively and commend them for sharing something that was difficult to say.
Commit your time regularly for a year or longer. When you have a meeting with your mentee, try not to skip it under any circumstances. Sometimes emergencies happen, but troubled kids are often troubled because they have unreliable adults in their lives. Be a person that the child can count on to follow through. Mentor relationships are most beneficial when they last for a year or longer. If you are able to commit that much time to a particular child, try to do so. If you are a volunteer mentor, teacher, or social worker, show up to every appointment or school day. If your mentoring is more informal and you’re a family member or friend, make weekly meetings with the child just to check in and see how they’re doing.
Value their trust. Let the child know that anything they tell you is confidential, as long as their safety or the safety of others isn’t at risk. Don’t repeat things that they tell you regarding their feelings, thoughts, or emotions to other people. Tell the child that if they or someone else is in danger, you would need to report that to someone, but everything else is between them and you. Try saying, "I care about your health and safety. If you or someone else is unsafe, I'll need to tell someone else about it. But other than that, I want you to know that I'll never tell anyone else the things you say to me." Allow the child to handle conflicts on their own unless they ask for your help and be sure that you remain loyal to them as their mentor. You are not the mentor of their parents or other family members, though you can recommend that they reach out to their family for additional support.
Smile and be positive. Show that you genuinely enjoy spending time with them by smiling and having a sense of humor. When they tell you about difficulties they are having, affirm their feelings by saying you’re sure their situation must be hard to deal with, but you also believe they are strong and will be able to get through it. Try to discuss the positive sides of tough situations without belittling their emotions. Share stories of your own experiences of how you got through tough situations to help them understand they are not alone.
Give the child time to develop trust in you. Troubled children usually have difficulty trusting adults because of their past experiences. It can take months sometimes for a child to open up to a stranger. Allow them to develop trust in you by showing that you enjoy spending time with them, committing your time, and being an active listener. If the child is hostile or doesn't want to talk to you, you can say to them, "I know you don't know me yet or have any reason to like me. I'm hoping that as we get to know each other, that will change and you'll be able to talk to me about whatever you want. I'd like to help you however I can when you're ready for that." Don't take their treatment of you personally in the beginning. If you give it time and you are consistent and kind with them, they will eventually begin to trust you.
Helping the Child with Their Problems
Focus on their goals, not their problems. If you know that a child is involved in risky activities, help them focus on their education, their health, or their positive relationships as ways to gradually get away from the risky behavior. When they tell you one of their goals, whether it’s a small one like improving their grades, or a big one like becoming a pro athlete, be supportive and help them to focus on working toward that goal. Children need to have goals in order to not want to engage in risky behavior. Remind them of their goals when they tell you that they are feeling pressured to get involved in high-risk activities. Use short-term goals as a way to work towards their long-term goals, and share ideas that they may not have thought of on their own.
Be honest about your own mistakes. The mentoring relationship is unique because, unlike a parent, you are an adult or older peer that is both a role model and a friend to your mentee. Instead of setting rules or giving consequences, tell them why you think they should or shouldn’t do something by sharing mistakes you’ve made and how you learned from them. Teachers may sometimes have to make rules and issue consequences in order to run their classroom; however, take as much time as you can to hold individual conversations with students, especially kids that appear to be troubled. When you share a story about a mistake, you can say, “I wish I hadn’t done that because it made things harder for me for a while. I’d hate to see you have the same types of difficulties.” Sharing your own experiences works best when you’ve already built a solid relationship and the child places trust in you. If you share personal stories too early, the child may not understand why you are doing it.
Provide them with resources. If a child needs help finding other support services such as food banks, daycare for their own children or for siblings, shelters, or tutors, have this information available to give to them. Help them make phone calls to get the services they need, or take them to appointments if they ask you to. Mentoring through an organization is beneficial for this reason: a group can provide you with community resources that you can pass along to your mentee that you may not otherwise have on your own. If you’re doing informal mentoring, you can still help the child access resources they need. Ask for support from local youth organizations, churches, or community centers to get information for the child.
Celebrate their achievements. When the child reaches one of their goals, tell them how proud of them you are. Avoid spending lots of money to show your support, though small, thoughtful tokens of support are okay; instead, give them emotional motivation to keep going and try to reach more goals. Try saying, "I knew you could do it! I'm really proud of you. You worked hard and it paid off. You should be proud of yourself, too." On the other hand, hold them accountable for their actions so they learn to take responsibility for them. Support them throughout the process.
Get your own training and support. Having your own support team and sources of information is very important for being a good mentor. Ask questions and bounce ideas off of someone in your support network if you ever have problems or aren’t sure what to do in a situation with your mentee. Find a mentor who has years of experience to mentor you, formally or informally, when you’re first starting out as a mentor.
Finding a Mentor Program
Volunteer for a large mentoring organization. Big Brothers Big Sisters and the United Way are just a couple of organizations that have community-based mentoring branches for troubled youth across the U.S. You can volunteer as a mentor through one of these organizations by searching “become a volunteer mentor near me” and clicking on their website. Within the website, search for your local chapter by browsing cities or locations. Click “become a mentor” to get started.
Use the Mentoring Connector database to find an opportunity. The Corporation for National and Community Service is a U.S. government organization that lists mentoring organizations at the local level.
Search “mentor troubled youth” and your city online. Find smaller local mentor programs by doing an Internet search on your city. Read the website to decide if you like the organization and, if so, follow the instructions for becoming a mentor with them.
Complete necessary background checks, interviews, or training. If you plan to work or volunteer for an official mentoring program, school, or community center, you may need to obtain further training, get a background check, or hold an interview. The individual organization that you want to work or volunteer for will provide you with the necessary information for completing their requirements. Most organizations in the U.S. require several background checks for people who formally work with children. These background checks assure that you have never been convicted of a serious crime or abused a child in the past.
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