Clarify why you’re texting him.
The motivation behind your text determines how you guide your chat. Drunk texting is an excuse to be open and specific about what you want, so clarify that for yourself before you pick up the phone. Are you trying to ask him out? Do you only want to flirt? Do you have to confess something? Here are some big reasons people drunk text: To reveal an emotion like love, anger, or hurt towards the recipient To feel confident asking for a hookup, a date, or to make social plans To feel less accountability for their words and actions
Text him late at night.
The later you text, the more believable it will be. Daytime shenanigans like a boozy brunch usually have a heavy social media trail, but a blurry night out is easy to make up. Nothing good happens after midnight…except a convincing fake drunk text. Aim for a time when he’s still awake. Anywhere between 11PM and 1AM is a solid bet (or even later on the weekends).
Decide how “drunk” you are.
Pick a level and stick with it throughout the night. You might blow your cover if your first 2 texts are incoherent and then you come through with a poetic novel. Think back on situations where you’ve drunk texted before and channel those impulses. “Tipsy” is a good mindset to be in. This is where you’re open and creative but still able to hold a conversation. Playing “super drunk” might come off as “I need help” or “come pick me up,” so be careful you don’t inspire your guy to come rescue you.
Craft a good opener.
Your first text should get his attention and convey your drunk mood. Drunk texters get to the point pretty quick, so you might even just open with your request right away. Think of a way to hook him besides “heeeyyyy” (which is great for initiating a booty call, but not much else). Use “We need to talk.” or “I need to tell you something. Now.” to confront him about something. To flirt, use a silly question like “Should I have another margarita right now? You decide!” or tell him you’re thinking about him, like “Just remembered how goofy you looked carrying that refrigerator box yesterday” When in doubt, go for a bombastic “I miss you!!!” or remind him of something you did together like “Omg I just passed that horrible restaurant Shannon dragged us too lol” For a one-night stand, go straight to the classic “you should come over tonight” or “we should meet up later ;)”
Be funny.
Make the bad jokes and puns that sober you never sends. It’s endearing, shows off your silly side, and makes it look like you’re letting loose (aka drinking). Drunk people know that their jokes aren’t great—they just don’t care! Follow up your dad jokes with a qualifier like: “lol sorry that was bad, I’m a little drunk” “award for worst joke goes to meeeeeee” A funny GIF or meme of an awkward smile or hysterical laughter
Stick to proper spelling.
Making 1,000 typos is an obvious sign of fake drunk texting. Focus on your tone and emotions instead to be more convincing. Typos also potentially lead to misunderstanding, which is something to avoid since you’re already playing a convoluted game of fake drunk texting. There’s a chance you’ll make a typo here and there anyway, so consider leaving those natural mistakes in. Just be sparing with them. Use excessive punctuation and emojis to put that drunk energy in your text, or try some sentence fragments instead of elaborate prose.
Deny that you’re drunk.
Drunk people love trying to convince other people they’re not drunk. It seems counterintuitive, but it’s a convincing part of your act. Be playful with it and admit that you’ve had a few drinks, but that you’re still good to go. Try teasing him with phrases like: “I’m not druuuuunk I’m just a little tipsy” “psshh I’m just having a little fun!” “no!!!! ????”
Keep the conversation short.
Drunk people don’t have the attention span for a long conversation. Drunk texters introduce a thought—”I really like you” or “I’m mad at you”—and then follow up with sober conversations later. Think of your drunk text as a preview and not the whole conversation. Drunk talks about serious topics aren’t a great idea. Your guy won’t fully believe what you’re saying, or might use “you’re just saying that because you’re drunk” as a counterargument. Shorter conversations also give you less chances to slip up and expose your drunk act.
End the conversation casually.
A simple “good night!” or “It’s my bedtime ????” is usually enough. If your texts were more serious, add something like “We’ll talk more later” or “Let’s finish this in the morning” to let him know that you’re not finished with him yet. If you stop texting all of a sudden, he might think you’re in trouble and try to find you. Not only will you be busted, but he’ll have panicked for no reason. Use an excuse that fits your backstory like “We’re trying to find our Ubers now, talk to you later” or “Switching bars!!! Gotta go”
Try a fake drunk texting app.
These apps add excessive typos and are good for jokes or pranks. You’ll still have to figure out what to say and guide the conversation, but these are good for drunkify-ing your words. On some, you can even choose your desired level of drunkenness to translate to. They ultimately aren’t very convincing, but they’re good for laughs!
Follow up in the morning.
A followup text shows you want to continue the conversation. A quick “lol looks like I had a few too many last night” is a fun way to acknowledge the chat, make fun of yourself just a little, and keep talking. Being fake drunk also gives you an excuse to apologize and try again, like “I’m so sorry for last night, I was drinking. Can we chat?” Skim the texts you sent as a reminder of your fake backstory. If it included a specific friend, loop them in so they don’t accidentally blow your cover.
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