Asserting Yourself
Center your responses with “I” statements to be assertive. Try not to beat around the bush when you’re trying to make a point. The best way to make yourself heard is to start your sentences with “I.” This type of language is direct and leaves very little to the imagination. For instance, you can say, “It upsets me that you think I could do something like that” or “I don’t feel like you’ve really cared or considered my feelings in this situation.”
Call out name-calling in a conversation. Let the other person know that their language is toxic, harmful, and not helpful at all to the conversation. Unfortunately, if people are resorting to name-calling, you probably won’t be able to change their minds. Instead, address the toxic behavior as you see it, and let the other person know that you won’t stand for it. You can say something such as, “Quit it with the name-calling” or “Stop calling me a liar. I’ve been honest this entire conversation.”
State that you are not to blame for whatever’s happening if you’re not at fault. A lot of unpleasant conversations seem to be a ping-pong version of the blame game. Assert yourself clearly, letting the other person know when something isn’t your fault. If the person continues to point the finger at you, don’t be afraid to call them out. For example, you might say, “Stop blaming me for something I had nothing to do with” or “I had no control over what happened. It’s not fair or right to blame me for it.” You can also respond with “I’m very sorry that things turned out the way they did, but it’s fair to put all the blame on me.”
Ask neutral statements to respond to barbed comments. Keep things neutral so you can take the wind out of the other person’s sails. If someone says something unkind or otherwise inflammatory, set them straight with a neutral question in response. Sometimes, you can reveal how unkind a question really is by answering it with “yes” or “no.” For instance, if someone says something such as “Do you even care about how you look?” you can reply by saying “no,” even though the obvious answer is “yes.” This can help put the person in their place. If someone says “Don’t you care about finding a significant other,” you might respond with “What makes you think I’m looking for a partner right now?”
Fake your confidence even if you don’t feel confident. The old saying “fake it ‘til you make it” has a lot of merit, especially when you’re defending yourself. It’s perfectly normal to feel anxious and scared when you’re put on the spot in a conversation. Even if you don’t feel very sure of yourself, try to force an aura of confidence so the other person can’t tell how you’re really feeling. You’ll probably have more trouble defending yourself if you appear nervous or unsure. In any conversation, to make eye contact, stand up straight, and speak in a slow, even tone.
Focus on being assertive instead of being aggressive. Assertive and aggressive are often used as interchangeable words, but this isn’t always the case. Think of it this way—aggressive people are always assertive, but assertive people aren’t necessarily aggressive. Aggressive statements come off as rude and antagonistic, while assertive statements help you hold your ground. For instance, “You’re going to pay for messing up my work schedule” is a very aggressive statement. You can capture that sentiment in a more polite, assertive way by saying, “I’m really upset that you didn’t call out of work. You doubled my workload for the day and made my schedule a lot more stressful.” Instead of saying “I hate how loud you are,” you can say, “When you speak at a loud volume all the time, it’s difficult for me to concentrate.”
Practice assertiveness in your daily conversations. If you don’t usually assert yourself naturally, you’ll need some time to practice and get your skills up to snuff. Try being assertive in subtle ways, even if you aren’t defending yourself. Don’t be afraid to ask for things to be done a certain way, or let people know if they’ve done something to upset you. For instance, you can be assertive in a coffee shop by saying, “Would you mind fixing my order? I ordered iced coffee instead of hot. Thank you!” If someone cuts in front of you, you might say, “I understand you’re in a rush, but I was here first. I’d appreciate it if you’d wait your turn.”
Coming up with Witty Comebacks
Reframe the conversation if the other person tries to back out. It can be frustrating if someone tries to sneak out of a conversation after making a big fuss in the first place. Remind the person that your interaction is not a “fight,” but is a “debate.” This way, it’ll be harder for the person to excuse leaving. For instance, if the other person says that they don’t want to fight, you can say, “I thought this was a friendly debate.” If the person is usually argumentative, you can also say something like, “Don’t you enjoy debates?”
Rephrase your thoughts if someone insults your attitude. Someone may try to put you down by calling you stubborn, or by diminishing your attitude too much. Restate your thoughts and feelings in a positive light, which can take the barb out of the other person’s comments. For instance, if they say, “You’re taking this too seriously,” you can say “I’m very passionate about this topic.” If they tell you that you’re acting too stubborn, remind them that you’re just determined.
Call people out if they’re blatantly negative about something. It’s okay to feel hurt or offended in a conversation. Instead of making this hurt obvious, let the other person know that their language isn’t acceptable. You can put them on the spot with a quick comment or criticism, which may help turn the conversation to your favor. For instance, if someone calls you a rude name or makes a rude assumption, say something like, “Did you say what I think you said?” or “There wasn’t a better way to say that?”
Remind others that you aren’t intimidated by power imbalances. Defending yourself can be scary, especially if you’re talking to a superior or another person who holds more power than you in the conversation. A simple statement can go a long way, especially if the other person is trying to intimidate you. For example, you can say something such as, “I understand and respect that you have more power in this situation, but comments like that aren’t going to offend me.”
Build a quip off of the other person’s statements. Spur-of-the-moment responses can be tough, and require a lot of practice reading and analyzing different conversations. You can easily turn a conversation in your favor by turning harsh comments and commentary on their head if you can come up with a funny quip at the end of the conversation. Try to twist their words back at them, which will give your quip a lot more power overall. One of the most well-known comebacks in history comes from Greek orators Alcibiades and Pericles. Pericles commented how he once sounded like Alcibiades when he himself was younger, to which Alcibiades stated “I wish I knew you when you were at your best.” A more harsh example of a quip comes from Winston Churchill and another politician. The politician commented that she’d poison his coffee if she were his spouse. In response, Churchill commented that he’d drink the coffee if he were her spouse.
Analyzing the Conversation
Think about things from the other person’s perspective. Before you can come up with a good response, it can help to flip your perspective around. Pretend that you’re the other person for a second, and try to zoom in on their thoughts and feelings. Considering the other person’s perspective may help you approach the conversation with more empathy. For instance, if you’re talking to a coworker, the coworker may be lashing out because they have a stressful workload. If a loved one is blaming you for something, they may be speaking out of stress and concern.
Identify harmful assumptions so you can better defend yourself. Toxic individuals tend to use “presuppositions,” or harmful assumptions, in their conversations. Be on the lookout for comments or questions with a negative edge to them—that way, you can use these as the base for your defense. You can diffuse these statements by keeping the conversation neutral, or by helping the person realize how inappropriate their statements were. For instance, a statement like “If you really cared about getting in shape, you wouldn’t be ordering pizza” carries the assumption that you’re somehow unwilling or unable to eat healthier. You can reply something like: “I can eat pizza and still care about my health.” Similarly, a statement like: “Don’t you even care that you hurt my feelings” carries an assumption that you’re selfish and inconsiderate of others. You can first reply with a sarcastic “no” to help the other person see how insensitive their question is.
Accept and listen to the criticism before responding. You can’t have a healthy conversation if you don’t take the time to listen to the other person. Even if the other person is speaking out of turn, lend them a listening ear and really try to process what they’re saying. If necessary, take responsibility for any parts of a situation that are specifically your fault. For instance, you can say something like: “I’m very sorry that my actions hurt your feelings.” Sometimes, listening can be even more important than the actual conversation. It's also helps to wait for your turn (if possible) before immediately jumping into the conversation.
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