How to Deal with a Toxic Mother in Law

Recognize the signs of a toxic mother-in-law.

Toxic mother-in-laws aren’t just difficult people—they harm you. Think about your mother-in-law’s patterns of behavior, and take stock of which ones are unacceptable. By clarifying the state of the relationship to yourself, you can get a clearer-eyed view of what needs to change. Take a look through some of the following signs of a toxic relationship, and see if you can recognize your own relationship in them: Always feeling down or empty after every interaction Never being enough, no matter how much you invest into the relationship Being accused of being the ‘aggressor’ when you try to clear the air An inability to keep information about you private Constantly insulting, demeaning, or bullying you Demanding unreasonable expectations out of you Telling you that you aren’t good enough for your spouse Using your children as a weapon against you

Ask your mother-in-law how you can build a better relationship.

Being proactive about your relationship is the best way to address issues. Before distancing yourself from your mother-in-law, it’s worth seeing if the relationship can still be salvaged. Allowing your mother-in-law to address any concerns she might have in your relationship can help you move toward better communication. Try saying something to your mother-in-law like, “I know there’s been some tension recently between us. What can I do to make you feel more comfortable? There’s a difference between a reasonable and an unreasonable request. If your mother-in-law takes this as an opportunity to humiliate you or says abusive things to you, it’s OK to cut the conversation short and consider distancing yourself from the relationship.

Cultivate an individual relationship with your mother-in-law.

If you can push yourself to do it, ask your mother-in-law out to lunch one-on-one. Sometimes, an in-law’s bad behavior might be triggered by their feelings of protectiveness over their child. By forming your own relationship with your mother-in-law, independent of your spouse, you may be able to bond with her and repair your relationship. Bring this up to your mother-in-law by saying something like, “I want to have a closer relationship with you—how about we meet at that restaurant by your house for lunch on Saturday?”

Use I-statements when addressing your mother-in-law.

Blaming your mother-in-law can cause her to become defensive. Instead of telling her the things she’s done wrong, let her know that she is important to you, but that you have felt hurt by her in the past. Use I-statements to talk about your feelings, rather than make accusations about the kind of person she is. For example, you might say something like: “I feel humiliated when you say I need to be a better wife. I’m trying my best, and we have a strong marriage.” “I feel frustrated when you talk to your friends about issues in my marriage. I really want to trust you, but it makes me uncomfortable to think that our conversations aren’t private.” “I feel hurt when you say that I’m not a good father. I’m working on raising our daughter the best way I know how, and I don’t think that kind of comment is helpful.”

Have your spouse take charge.

At the end of the day, your in-laws are your spouse’s responsibility. If you’re finding your mother-in-law to be impossible to deal with after your best efforts, let your spouse know that they’ll need to be the key point of contact between you and her. When you have pressure from your in-laws, having a united front with your spouse is more important than ever. Try not to get angry at your spouse for the behavior of their parents. You should expect solidarity from them when you’re being attacked, but keep in mind that they aren’t responsible for their mother’s behavior. Harshly criticizing your mother-in-law can cause your spouse to become protective of them. Focus on how your mother-in-law makes you feel using I-statements, rather than calling her names. If issues with your in-laws are threatening your marriage, seek out marriage counseling. This is a problem that you and your spouse can work through together, and having a professional support you is a great source of help. Tell your spouse you need more support by suggesting something like, “I love you, and I’m excited that we’re a part of each other’s families. But you know that your mom and I have been having issues. Can we work through this together? It makes me uncomfortable to say, but I need your support here.”

Create emotional distance.

Your emotional health is worth more than this relationship, so don’t push yourself. If trying to build a healthier relationship with your mother-in-law isn’t working, it’s time to work on detaching yourself from her emotionally. This might mean consciously deciding not to go the extra mile to do her any favors, or limiting the amount of times you communicate. Some other steps you should take include: Letting go of the need for approval from your mother-in-law Developing a strong social support system outside of your family Not buying into your mother-in-law’s idea of who you are

Keep physical distance.

Leave the room if your mother-in-law is being hurtful. Maintaining physical distance from a toxic relationship is important for keeping you safe. It’s OK to skip a family engagement if you feel like your mother-in-law is a threat to your physical or emotional safety. Remember that if you feel extremely uncomfortable, you are always allowed to leave.

Communicate clear boundaries.

Let your mother-in-law know that boundaries are non-negotiable. Boundaries are a part of every relationship, but they’re especially important in toxic ones. For instance, if you’ve told your mother-in-law not to call you while you’re working and to send you a text if it’s urgent, don’t make exceptions. To set up boundaries with your mother-in-law, tell her something like, “I have a lot of respect for you, but in order for our relationship to work, we should have some rules. It’s important to me that you stay away from posting about us on social media. It attracts a lot of attention that we’re not comfortable with.” Other boundaries you might want to give your mother-in-law include limiting the amount of time she spends with your kids, not using abusive language when speaking with you, and not making comparisons between you and her other children-in-law. If your mother-in-law crosses one of your boundaries, let her know that you won’t speak with her until you receive an apology. If you’re recovering from a particularly traumatic event with your mother-in-law, it’s OK to take time to heal. Don’t feel obligated to immediately get back in touch with your mother-in-law—wait until you feel like you’ve recovered from the incident before making amends.

Try to deescalate conflicts.

There’s no use arguing with a toxic mother-in-law. For some people, arguing can only end up making things worse, and giving them more ammunition to use against you in the future. When there’s an argument with your mother-in-law, remember that your goal is to reduce and resolve the conflict, not to prove that you’re right. Deescalation doesn’t mean you have to let yourself get trampled on. If your mother-in-law tells you something hurtful, simply say something like “I disagree with your assessment,” and move on.

Accept that your mother-in-law will be part of your life.

An abusive mother-in-law likely won’t change and probably isn’t going anywhere. Unfortunately, abusers tend to have deep psychological and emotional problems, and hoping for them to become different people after a few conversations is likely to lead to disappointment. However, since you are now related, you are probably going to be in each other’s lives for some time. Accepting that your mother-in-law will be a part of your life can make it easier for you to make peace with this situation, and to think about how to move forward. When you accept that your mother-in-law likely won’t change, and that she will remain a part of your life, all that’s left for you to do is ask yourself how you can find a way to remain happy and secure.

Seek a therapist for support.

Marriage and family therapists are experienced with these issues. If you feel like the happiness of your family is in jeopardy, don’t hesitate to book an appointment—try to bring your spouse with you as well. These professionals can give you personalized advice for navigating the situation you’re in, and can help you formulate a plan to resolve the tension you’re dealing with.