Having a Discussion with Your Partner
Confront the issue soon. It's important to discuss the issue with your partner, as they may not even realize that they always assume you're wrong. You may be inclined to avoid the issue, but that will only continue to drive a wedge between you and your partner. It's best to confront the issue head-on if possible. Plus, if you avoid the problem too long, you may find that you start having bursts of anger at your partner, which puts a strain on your relationship.
Think through what you want to say. It can help to take a few moments and think about what you'd actually like to say to your partner. You don't want a typed-out speech, as that will distance you from your partner. However, having a general idea of what you what to say is good, particularly choosing a few phrases that can get your point across without making your partner feel horrible.
Pick a time to have the conversation. It can be helpful to give your partner a head's up that you want to have a discussion. That way, your partner won't feel ambushed with what you have to say. Additionally, it gives you both a chance to pick a good time together. For example, you could say, "I'd like to have a discussion about the way we argue, particularly the way I feel like I always end up being in the wrong. When's a good time for you?" If your situation differs a bit, you could say something like, "I'd like to have a discussion with you about how I feel my opinion is often not valued. When can we talk?"
Use an "I" statement. When discussing the problem with your partner, the most effective way to talk about is to use "I" statements. That is, talk about what's wrong starting with "I," focusing on your feelings, rather than starting with "you," which sounds like you're blaming the other person. Using "I" statements is generally more effective at opening a dialogue. For instance, you might say, "I feel like that most of the time I end up being 'wrong' in an argument or discussion. I get upset because you're insistent that you're correct, and I end up giving up on the issue." Alternatively, you could say, "I feel like you don't respect my opinion or expertise in most situations. It makes me upset to always be in the wrong." On the other hand, "You always think you're right and I'm wrong" isn't a good way to start the conversation.
Listen to what the other person has to say. If you go into the discussion planning a monologue, that won't be effective. You have to be able to listen to what the other person has to say, as you are trying to communicate back and forth about a problem, so you both need a chance to be heard. Your partner may surprise you with what they have to say. For instance, you may find that they feel the same, that you always think they're wrong. Once you realize that you both feel that way, you can work towards having better communication in the future. To get your partner talking, make sure to give them an opening in the conversation. For example, you could say, "Now that I've said my spiel, I want to hear from you. What are you thinking and feeling?"
Gauge your partner's reaction. After listening to what your partner says about this particular topic, consider what's behind the words. How your partner ends up responding could indicate they're willing to work on the issue and the relationship. On the other hand, what they say may indicate your problem runs deeper, and you may want to seek counseling or end the relationship. For instance, if your partner says, "Well, that's just stupid. You are wrong most of the time," that's not a very supportive or open response. On the other hand, a response such as, "I hadn't realized that I made you feel that way. That is a problem. Let's figure out how we can work together to resolve this issue," is a supportive response that shows they are willing to work with you. From there, you could say, "I'm glad to hear you say that. Here's what I think a good solution would be:" Listen to how your partner responds. If your partner cannot reciprocate the "I" statement or if they start blaming you again, it might be a sign that they are not willing to work it out.
Work on a solution. Once you've both had your chance to speak, discuss how you can both do better moving ahead. Discuss ways you think could solve the problem, and ask your partner to come up with ways they think the problem could be solved. For example, maybe you could have a safe word to halt an argument and evaluate who's feeling like the other person is saying they're "wrong." Just stopping in the middle of an argument to evaluate how each of you is feeling can help to bridge the communication gap. Alternatively, you could agree that you'll point out to your partner when you think that they're not valuing your opinion or expertise.
Consider counseling. If your partner seems receptive to change but you can't figure out how to move forward, consider seeing a professional. Find a counselor in your area who can help you work through your problems. If you're not sure who to see, consider asking close friends if they have any recommendations.
Dealing With a Toxic Relationship
Think about the power structure. Your partner blaming you could be a part of a larger problem. They could be trying to manipulate you, gaining power over you and the relationship. If they do that consistently, it's likely emotional abuse, and you need to think about whether you should stay in the relationship or not. If you decide to stay, you need to start to stand up for yourself by asserting yourself in the relationship. That is, think about whether your partner uses tactics like thinking and telling you that you're always wrong to change the way you act or to gaslight you (convince you that what you know to be true is wrong). In other words, say you go to a movie, and you think that the main character was rude. Afterwards, your partner tries to convince you that you're wrong, saying things like, "The character wasn't rude; he was just standing up for himself. You just don't know how to stand up for yourself. You're weak, which is why you couldn't get along without me." Your partner is using emotional abuse to convince you that what you think or feel is wrong, with the intention of gaining control over you. In this situation, you could say, "I disagree, and I have a right to my opinion. That character called his wife a dirty name with no remorse. That's rude."
Look for ways your partner manipulates you. Telling you you're wrong is one way of manipulating you, but you may find other ways your partner is doing that once you start looking. That is, your partner may be trying to bend you to fulfill their needs. Just identifying the ways your partner manipulates you can help you to start changing the relationship. However, once you identify those times, you can start resisting that manipulation. For example, your partner may make you feel guilty, even about things you should be enjoying. If you decide what movie to go see, your partner might say, afterwards, "Well, I'm glad you're happy, but that wouldn't have been my first choice. I mean, obviously that other movie would've been better, but you had to see that one, so I guess it's okay." You could reply, "You're not going to make me feel bad about seeing that movie. I enjoyed it, and I'm glad we went." They may also make you feel bad because of the insecurities they hold. Maybe you decide to go out one night with your friends, and your partner doesn't like it, saying, "I'm sorry, but I don't like you going out with your friends. I should be enough for you, right?" You could say in return, "It sounds like you're feeling a bit insecure about my other relationships. I do value our relationship, but I also value my friendships. I can value those friendships without devaluing our relationship."
Don't take responsibility for their feelings. Your partner may also make you take the responsibility for the way they feel. They might say, "It's your fault that I'm angry. You didn't do this the way you should have." The only person who should be responsible for their emotions is that person. Try to refrain from apologizing for the person's emotion. Instead, you could say, "I hear that you're upset. I'm sorry I didn't do this the way you wanted, but I did try. Your anger seems misplaced. What are you really mad at?"
Resist their attempts to put you down. Another way a relationship can be toxic is if your partner turns your own insecurities against you. They can use the way you feel about yourself or the world to keep you under their thumb, always staying because you feel like you're not good enough. For instance, your partner might say something like, "It's a good thing you're with me because you're getting kind of chubby. No one else would have you." You could say, "That's kind of rude. I'm proud of my body, and I won't let you shame me for it." While you can try to counter this type of talk, you should consider whether it's worth the emotional pain to stay in the relationship.
Consider whether you both benefit from the relationship. When you're with someone, it should be give and take. You both should be giving to the other partner things that they need in terms of support. Now, think about your relationship. Do you receive as much as you give? Are you getting the support you need out of the relationship? If you're not, it may be time to think about ending the relationship. You can discuss this with your partner. You could say, "I feel like I give more to this relationship than I take. I have needs that aren't being met."
Identifying and Understanding Narcissists
Decide if you think your partner feels superior. Since your partner always thinks you're wrong, there's a possibility that they may think they're superior. That is, if your partner feels superior to you in every way, they are more likely to to try to convince you that they're right and you're wrong. Does your partner make statements that could indicate they feel superior? For instance, they might say (in seriousness, not jest), "Well, you know I'm smarter, so obviously I'm right."
Look to see if you are constantly changing to what they want. A narcissist literally thinks the world revolves around them. They expect to go to dinner where they want, watch what they want, and show up when they want without consequences. The problem is, they hold you to a different standard. That is, a narcissist has no problem showing up very late (even an hour or more) without an apology. If you do that, you may find you're expected to apologize and never do it again.
Check to see if nothing meets their standards. Narcissists often have very high standards. Because they have trouble seeing outside themselves, they can't see how certain expectations may be too much. They also don't see all the hard work you have put into doing something. That's why it will likely seem like they always expect more than what you have to give. Also, they'll be much more likely to remember the things that haven't gone right than to remember the good things you've done.
Try empathy. This advice may seem counter-intuitive, but often people's narcissism or borderline narcissism stems from insecurity. That is, many narcissistic people feel like they aren't good enough, and they compensate by being extremely egotistical. In turn, one way you can work with a partner who is narcissistic is to try to understand their insecurities and help the person work through them. For instance, maybe you notice that your partner becomes particularly narcissistic when you decide to go out with your friends. In turn, that may indicate that they feel like they aren't enough for you. You can help reassure them. You could say, "I'm going to go out with my friends tonight. That seems to bother you sometimes. Can you tell me why?"
Describe your needs. If the person is a narcissist, they may have a hard time figuring out what you need because they have a difficult time getting out of their own head. If that's the case, you may need to clearly state the needs you have in your relationship, so your partner has an idea of how to respond. For instance, you could say, "I feel like you always assume that I'm wrong. Can we work on that together?"
Realize that you can't always make it work with a narcissist. If your partner is only borderline narcissistic, you may be able to make a relationship work. However, if your partner is more than borderline, you may find it difficult to make a relationship work. For one thing, you will start to lose your sense of self as you continually give in to your partner. Consider whether staying in a relationship with the person is really a good idea. If your partner refuses to see your point of view or if they are frequently manipulating you, do not hesitate to make plans to end the relationship. Counseling can help you with this process.
Create an exit strategy. It may not be possible to change your partner's habits without a professional intervention with a counselor. If your partner manipulates or verbally abuses you, you should have a plan in place to end the relationship in a healthy manner. A counselor or therapist can help you develop strategies to help you end the relationship. If you are married, you may want to start talking to attorneys to consider your options for divorce. If you live with your partner, start thinking about where you can stay after you break up. Can you live with friends or family? Are you prepared to move into a new place on your own? Set goals for the future. Where do you want to be in a year? Focus on your goals, and you may be able to leave a narcissistic partner in the past.
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