How to Deal When a Friend Ignores You

• Have a conversation with your friends about their behavior in a neutral space, where you all feel comfortable.
• Share your feelings using “I” language to avoid coming off accusatory. Tell them honestly (but not cruelly) how it feels when they leave you out.
• Actively listen to their response and try to be open-minded. They may not have meant to hurt you—but if they did, knowing will make it easier to move forward.

Confronting Your Friends

Arrange to meet with your friends in a neutral place. It's important to plan your confrontation ahead of time. Get in touch with your friends and ask them to meet you in a safe, private, and quiet environment that is good for talking, such as a cafe or classroom. Try to find a neutral space for the people you are confronting; don't invite them to your home, for example. To help you prepare emotionally and mentally, consider what you will say to them ahead of time, and try to anticipate how they may respond, but try to avoid dwelling over each possible reaction your friends might have. For instance, you might plan to say, “I’ve been feeling disconnected from you all lately, and I was wondering if we could talk about it.”

Invite them to share their perspective, and actively listen. Stop and allow your friends to explain the situation. Seek first to understand, and then be understood. Be specific in your phrasing and give precise examples of the behavior you want to discuss. For example, you could try asking them, "I noticed you all went out on Friday. You said you were going to text me about the plans. Why didn't you?" Actively listen as your friends explain. Maintain steady eye contact, keep your body turned towards them, and keep your arms and legs open, rather than crossed. Your friends' responses may surprise you—and they may also help relieve your stress! For instance, you may discover that they simply forgot to text you and that nothing hurtful or malicious was intended. Or perhaps they got kept at work and thought it was too late to get in touch with you. It’s also possible they have no excuses and have been deliberately ignoring you. This is hard to hear, but in the long term, you'll be glad you confronted them and heard the truth.

Explain the situation from your point of view. State facts as facts and interpretation as your perception of the situation. Let your friends know how the situation made you feel and how you interpreted their actions. Be straightforward and use "I"-language to avoid the blame game. Examples of "I"-statements include: "I feel," "I am upset by," and "I am confused about." For example, you might say, "When I didn't get a text on Friday night, it made me feel like you didn't want me to come and were deliberating leaving me out." Be honest about your feelings without being harsh: focus on the issues, not your friend specifically. If you feel like you are getting angry, upset, and unable to think clearly, then consider leaving the discussion and returning to it at another point. You don't want to say anything you'll regret later. In addition, if your friend begins to get angry or aggressive, it's best that you leave the situation before it escalates.

Apologize if you're in the wrong. If you're being ignored because you hurt someone's feelings, then include a genuine apology when it's your turn to speak. Make sure to explain precisely what are you are apologizing for and avoid apologizing for how they interpreted your action, rather than the action itself. For example, if you had said that your friend's job was stupid and that you'd never work there in a million years, don't just say, "I'm sorry that you were offended by my comments." This is considered a "non-apology apology" because it doesn’t take accountability for your actions, and it suggests that the person may have been too thin-skinned for taking offense. Instead, say, "I'm sorry I made those comments about your job. Those were offensive and hurtful. I know you're working really hard to pay for school, so that was insensitive of me."

Work on a solution. Coming to a resolution together is usually the best option because sometimes what works well for one person may not work for another. It may be as simple as making a promise with your friends to schedule more get-togethers or write down reminders so no one gets left out or forgotten. Be sure to tailor the solution to the particular situation and the reason for the isolation. For example: If your friend has been isolating you because of a particular situation in her life, give them time and space to work through their own emotional issues. Be sure to let them know (via email, text, or a phone call) that you're available whenever they feel ready to talk. Avoid pressuring your friend to hang out; rather, reach out to them by letting them know that you miss them and value their friendship. As the saying goes, 90% of life is just showing up, or, in this case, making yourself available when your friend needs you. If you've been feeling ignored because of something you're going through, then let your friend know what you're going through and discuss ways in which you can maintain the friendship while you deal with this particular moment in your life. For example, if you've been really busy helping your ill mother and haven't been able to see your friends recently, ask if they'd like to come over one day so that you can both be at home with your mom and fit some needed time with friends into your schedule.

Continue with the friendship or move on. It is possible that the solution may be a difficult one. In some cases, friends outgrow one another. Thus, if your friends confirm that they've been ignoring you because you just don't have as much in common together, it may be time to let those friendships go. If your friends don't validate your feelings or try to work out a way to improve the situation or the friendship, chances are that it's because they don't want to. Though it's a hard lesson to face in life, our friendship groups do change over time. The good thing is that there is a whole world out there where you can make new friends!

Assessing the Situation

Reflect on your mood to make sure you’re not simply feeling ignored. Sometimes, when we’re feeling low, it’s easy to imagine others don’t care about us—even if the total opposite is true. If you’re feeling isolated lately, it's possible that the situation may have more to do with you and how you've been feeling in recent days than with your friends. Consider whether you've experienced any significant changes in your life or stressful events, such as moving, starting a new school, or breaking up with someone. Stress in one area of your life can have an impact on other areas. For example, if you've recently changed schools, maybe you feel isolated from your friends because you don't know anyone at your new school and you no longer see them every day. To connect with yourself and tap into your emotions, try exercising, keeping a journal, or talking to another person you trust, like a friend or family member. Moving out of your current physical position and doing something else can bring about a shift in your mental state and help you reflect.

Evaluate your interactions with your friends. It's possible that your friends may be going through something else in their lives that is affecting their friendships. Thus, they may not be intentionally ignoring you, but instead, they may be distracted by their own issues and unable to focus on you or give you a lot of their time. Compare how much you and your friend used to interact with how much you've been interacting lately. Is it a drastic change? Also, compare how much you and your friend interact with how much they interact with other friends. Are they frequently hanging out with others but not you? Consider whether your friend has recently experienced a life-changing event (e.g., the divorce of her parents, a death in the family, depression, etc.) that may be impacting their ability to stay connected to friends. Is it possible that your friend may be feeling offended or hurt by something you said or did? If so, they may be intentionally distancing themselves from you.

Remember that you can't control the behavior of others. At the end of the day, while confronting your friend may help you understand the situation a bit better, it’s possible the friendship won’t be salvageable. You only have control over yourself and your own actions, and you can’t force your friends to talk to you if they don’t want to. You can control, however, how you react to the situation with your friends. Everyone needs social support to stay healthy and happy. However, all too often people rely on others to affirm their own sense of self-worth. Instead, try to let your feelings of self-worth come from within. Whether these particular friends want to repair your friendship or not, it doesn’t take away from your value, and there are so many other new friends out there just waiting to be made.