- For relatively minor issues, talk to your spouse and explain how their behavior makes you feel. The behavior might end if you address the reasons for it.
- If your spouse is exhibiting a pattern of controlling behavior that's escalating, set boundaries with them and suggest couples counseling.
- Maintain your own independence by pursuing your own hobbies and hanging out regularly with close friends and family members.
Handling Minor Issues
Pick your battles and avoid picking fights about the little things. If it's something minor and you genuinely don't care, let them have their way. If they feel as though they have control over smaller issues, the behavior might not escalate into anything more serious. For example, if your spouse prefers to choose which restaurant you'll eat at and you don't care, go ahead and let them choose. When you do let them make a decision, emphasize that they took charge and had control over that situation. For example, you might say, "Thanks for taking charge of dinner. I really appreciate it."
Empathize with your spouse's anxiety, so you start in a place of understanding. According to Dr. Georgoulis, "There are also some control behaviors associated with anxiety." Have a serious discussion about it so you can understand things from your spouse's perspective. Validate your spouse's thoughts and feelings, even if you think they sound ridiculous or unlikely. Dr. Georgoulis notes that "a little validation in these moments goes a long way." Dr. Georgoulis recommends acknowledging your spouse's experience in the moment, such as by saying, "I see that you seem like you're nervous right now," and then giving them a chance to take a break and talk through it.
Remain calm and rational while talking to your spouse. Dr. Georgoulis notes that you shouldn't "communicate if you're overwhelmed and flooded with too much emotion, specifically, anger or anxiety." Wait until both of you are in a place where you can speak and listen to one another calmly. Paraphrase back what your spouse says to you so they know that you understand their perspective and can correct you if you don't. If your spouse starts to get angry or defensive, Dr. Georgoulis recommends "confidently and calmly... letting them know they need to be calmer in order for you to continue a discussion with them." If you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed, or sense that your spouse is becoming overwhelmed, suggest that the two of you take a break for a few minutes.
Working on Chronic Problems
Make a list of examples of your spouse's controlling behavior. Concrete examples work well to highlight the behavior or attitude that is bothering you. Dr. Georgoulis recommends that you use "I statements" and "avoid blaming your partner for making you feel that way." Some behaviors you might list that are signs of controlling behavior include: Trying to isolate you from your friends or family Criticizing you frequently, even for small, relatively unimportant things Making their acceptance or love of you conditional Belittling your long-held beliefs Not respecting your need to spend time alone or do things alone
Set reasonable boundaries with your spouse. Let your spouse know what you feel is acceptable in each of the situations you've mentioned as problematic. Remember—this is about what you need, not about how they feel or what they're comfortable with. Provide reasonable consequences for violating any of your boundaries that are proportionate to the violation. Make sure your consequences aren't idle threats that you don't intend to actually follow up on.
Enforce the boundaries you set consistently. A boundary isn't a boundary if you let your spouse slide or make excuses when they violate it. Let them know, calmly, that you see that they've violated your boundary. Then, continue with whatever consequence you put in place when you first set the boundary. For example, you might have told your spouse that you won't do the laundry if they criticize how you fold their clothes. When they criticize your folding, you stop doing the laundry.
Ask your spouse to attend couples counseling with you. A couples counselor can help your spouse to see that they are controlling and figure out how to behave differently. They can also give you tools to communicate better. Your spouse might also benefit from individual therapy to help identify the triggers for their controlling behavior and find more healthy ways to cope with those issues.
Regaining Your Independence
Pursue your own interests and hobbies. You're entitled to spend time alone and have your own interests apart from your spouse. Spending time apart can also help you both develop your lives as whole people and become less dependent on one another. Let your spouse know where you're going to be, what you're going to be doing, and for how long. Having that information can help them feel less anxious. Sharing stories about your interests and hobbies with your spouse can help them feel included, even if they're not with you.
Maintain relationships with your friends and family. A controlling spouse might try to dominate your time or keep you from talking to or hanging out with certain friends. Draw a line here and insist on staying close to your friends and family. Make sure you're spending plenty of time with your spouse, but make it clear that your friends and family are important to you. If your spouse feels threatened by your relationship with some of your friends, you might try bringing them along with you so they can get to know each other.
Use self-affirmations to avoid internalizing your spouse's criticisms. Studies show that self-affirmations can help you maintain a more positive view of yourself. Here are some examples of self-affirmations that you can use: I grow and improve every day. I am enough. I am free to create the life I want. I'm allowed to have needs and take up space.
Stay true to your values and beliefs. A controlling spouse often wants to tell you what you should believe or what sort of values you should have—don't fall for it! Let your spouse know that it's okay for you to disagree on some things, and that just because you don't share the same beliefs doesn't mean you love them any less. For example, if the two of you practice different religions, you might go to services on your own or with your family while your spouse does the same. If the two of you have strongly held political beliefs that clash, you might agree not to discuss politics.
Think seriously about whether you should leave. No matter how frustrating your spouse might be, it can be difficult to decide that you truly want to call it quits. But if they're making you fear for your safety or limiting your life to such an extent that it's no longer enjoyable, it might be time to take that step. Talk to your close friends and family about your decision to leave and get their help and support. Ask them for whatever it is you think they can offer you that would help you move forward. If you need support beyond your friends and family, call a domestic violence hotline. They can help you find shelter and other resources to leave safely.
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