It’s OK to break up if your relationship doesn’t support your growth or happiness, even if you love your partner. Dating coach Cher Gopman says, “the longer you're in a relationship that isn't right for you, the more time you're…missing out on the person that could be your perfect person.”
Making the Right Decision
Ask why you want to break-up with him. Breaking up with someone is hard. It is no easier when you still have feelings for him. However, sometimes relationships stall, grow apart, and become difficult to manage due to time or space apart. You can be in love with someone and still feel like you need to move on to a new stage of your life. If you're considering a break-up, ask yourself a few questions about yourself and the relationship. If you say no to most of the following, it may be time to move on: Do you only want to break up because of present circumstances, like a recent fight or money troubles? If not, is it because of long-term problems? Do you have second thoughts about breaking up, or have you been sure of your decision for a few weeks? If your partner asked you for a second chance, would you say yes? Do you see your partner in your life 6 months from now? Do you genuinely love your boyfriend or do you just love the idea of him? Do you only want to break up because you don't feel good enough to be with him?
Write down a list of reasons why you want to break up. No doubt it may be hard, but if you get down your reasons down on paper, it makes it easier to convince yourself you need to get through with this. Don't worry about hurting anyone's feelings -- this paper is for you and you only. Brainstorm why you need to end things, considering the following reasons: You can't give him the love he deserves. You may need to move for a new job, want to spend more time with your family, or have a hard time supporting his needs. If you truly love him but know that you can't/don't want be there for him, it's time to end it. You've fallen in love with someone else. Unfortunately, you can't really control who you love. If you've got deep feelings for another, you need to end things with your current man before moving on. You don't see yourself spending the rest of your life with him. This is especially important if he seems to plan his future around you. End things now instead of hoping you change your mind -- it won't happen. You're unhappy. If the bad times outweigh the good, and the relationship weighs on your mind each day, it's time to move on. This isn't a phase -- this is relationship that has begun to go sour.
Look over your reasons one week later. Read your reasons for needing to break up with him and see if they still feel true. Did you dash that list off in the spur of the moment, or do you still feel the same way seven days later. If you're still sure of your decision to break-up, you've made the right one.
Look ahead to an independent lifestyle, not at the temporary pain a break up will bring. Many people stay in relationships for too long because they're afraid of the emotional whiplash being alone will bring. You may understand that you'll be better in the long run, but the short-term pain makes breaking up seem unbearable. However, you've got to rip off the bandage sometimes, and it will get easier if you remind yourself of several key things: You will not be alone forever. Being single does not mean you'll never find love again, even if it feels like you'll never find another "perfect" man. Independence will make you stronger. Being alone is hard, but it forces you to grow in unexpected and important ways. You do not need your guy to be strong and happy.
Remind yourself why you love him to ensure you're making the right decision. This may be one of the hardest things to do, especially if you've committed to ending the relationship, but you need to consider the good with the bad. Jot down why you love him, the reasons you're together, and the good times you've had. Remember, you will always have these memories, no matter what happens between you. If you make it through this trip down memory lane, but still know that it would be best to end things, then you'll know for sure that you've made the right decision. Remember, it may be best to break up even if you still have feelings for him. You just want to be sure that the bad outweighs the good.
Prioritize your health and happiness. The final hurdle to a break-up is often your worries about other people. What will our friends think? What will my parents think? How will we sort out our stuff? Most importantly, how will he feel? However, all of these worries are unimportant in comparison to your own happiness and emotional well-being. While this sounds selfish, it is ultimately the most thoughtful perspective you can adopt. If you're in a relationship that isn't working, you're going to take it out on each other with fights and arguments. Friends and family may get dragged in, and worries about your stuff can turn into possessiveness and secrecy. When you're ready to end things, all that matters is your decision to break up. The rest of the details will work themselves out. Sometimes a gut feeling -- "This just isn't working" -- is a perfectly acceptable reason for breaking up. Remember that you're doing this for you, not someone else.
End things quickly once you've made you decision. Know that if you don't break up with him right now - and you keep delaying - the situation you are in may grow worse in the future. You'll regret not taking action while you could have, and end up wasting both his time and yours in a meaningless relationship. It may hurt right now, but once you get this over with, you'll be happy you did. Once you go through with it, both parties can move on, but not before. Remember -- it is better to be happy alone than miserable on your own.
Breaking Up With Him
Call your boyfriend and ask him to meet you somewhere calm and quiet. Be sure it is an area with few people where you can have an open, honest conversation. Let him know that you need to have a conversation about your relationship, but try not to elaborate on the phone. Still, preparing him, at least a little bit, is common courtesy. Refrain from breaking up with your boyfriend on a date. You should make time to end things instead of trying to tack it onto an otherwise happy night.
Move right into the breakup after you've greeted each other. Avoid beating around the bush, as this will only aggravate you and increase tension. You may also lose courage and change your mind. Breaking up takes 30 seconds of intense, extreme courage. But, at the end of the day, it's only 30 seconds. Take a deep breath and count to three in your head. Know that, when you get to "zero," it's time to break up with him.
Use direct, unambiguous language. If you're breaking up with him, you need to make it clear that you're breaking up. Do not leave him guessing or open up the floor for conversation. If you've made your decision, it's time to move on. Make sure he knows that you still love him and would love to be good friends, but you can't continue this relationship any longer. There are some good conversation starters in the guides below for specific breakups, but the main idea is to end things with simple and direct language: "I'm ready to move on from our relationship." "It's time we saw other people." "I think we should break up."
Avoid getting angry, pointing fingers, or assigning blame. Breaking up is hard enough without having a fight or argument. You may have a laundry list of reasons to break up with him, but that doesn't mean you need to point out all of his flaws and the problems in the relationship. That just adds insult to injury, and it can lead to a fight or argument that makes everyone feel even worse ("what do you mean I didn't support you -- I always support you!" or, "That's not my fault, it's your fault for moving away!"). That said, he'll likely ask you why you are doing this, and it is best to have a calm, truthful, but non-judgmental answer ready. "I've realized that we're growing apart. We've grown together for so long, and I cherish all of the time, but I need time to grow on my own now." "I don't feel like we treat each other with the respect we used to. Some of that is my fault. But we still need to move on to people who will treat us how we deserve."
Stand by your decision, no matter what he says. If he's still in love, he may ask for a second chance, come up with a way to salvage things (like a temporary break), or convince you to change your mind. But once you've made your decision, you need to stick with it. Remember, what he says now will not change your relationship, or the problems that led you to break up. "I understand, but I think we need to go our separate ways." "I don't want to take a break and leave things uncertain. We need to break up."
Leave once you've said all you need to say. To soften the blow a little, give him a gentle hug and leave. Don't linger or wait to see what his reaction will be like - you want to avoid tangling yourself up in the emotional fallout of the relationship. Know that this is going to hurt, and there is no way to make it easy or perfect. You will not be happy with each other in the immediate aftermath, no matter how long you stay or what you say. The best thing to do is leave politely.
Moving on from the Relationship
Remind yourself your reasons for ending things when you miss him. It's not easy breaking up. However, know that your reasons are right and that it's not you - it's him. Convince yourself you have done the right thing. Although you have completed your mission, you still may feel hurt and angry. The recovery process will depend on how much you love him, but don't worry - you will feel better one day soon. Missing him does not change any of your issues and it is not a reason to get back together. Your bigger issues, the ones you broke up over, will still be there when the dust settles.
Separate yourself completely for the foreseeable future. Once you've let go of the one you love, it's going to hurt. You'll miss him at random times, feel like you've made a mistake, and want his advice on what to do next. But you have to resist the urge to text, call, or see him. You can move on and get your life back together, but only if you commit to moving on. Resist the urge to talk to him and work on sorting through your emotions on your own. It will be difficult, but you'll be able to do it with time. You may be able to be friends one day, but that day is in the future. You need to be completely over your romantic feelings, and the only way to get there is to not see each other. Packing away photos and items that bring painful memories is a good way to start the healing process.
Try something new. As painful as a breakup can be, it also comes with a sense of liberation. You no longer need to make decisions for two -- you can make them only by yourself. You'll notice you have a lot more free time all of a sudden, and events and activities that were difficult to coordinate with a partner are now easily available. Don't spend your time trying to recreate the feeling you had in a relationship -- go out and try something new. Enjoy your newfound liberation and explore the single world. Do things for you. Take the time to take care of yourself for a bit.
Turn to your friends and family for support. Having a great network of other people reminds you that, even without a boyfriend, you are not alone. Spend your time with other people you love to help heal the inevitable hole in your heart. When you feel like calling or texting your ex-boyfriend, call your best friend instead. Let them know, briefly, that you are still kicking old habits chat out your problems. Most people are happy to help you move on, but that doesn't mean they want to hear about your ex-boyfriend all day. Avoid bringing him up, instead moving on to other topics.
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