Licensed Psychologist Liana Georgoulis says to “actively listen to your partner” and make them feel “heard and validated.” Schedule a weekly check-in to go over any relationship issues and better connect with them.
Improving Interpersonal Dynamics
Encourage each other. It’s difficult to grow and become a better person in an unhealthy relationship. If you’re with someone who is verbally, physically, or sexually abusive, ask yourself if this person is helping you grow. If you’re with someone who hurts you or someone who engages in unhealthy habits, it’s likely that you may get pulled down into bad habits or negative emotions. Focus on being in a healthy relationship and with a partner who encourages you to grow and better yourself. Find ways that your partner wants to grow and determine to help each other grow. For instance, you may want to get into a meditation habit while your partner wants to start a Qi Gong practice. Encourage each other to pursue these interests and recommend going to classes or engaging in individual practice. This way you can improve your own personal development while also encouraging your partner’s development.
Skip repeating past mistakes. Ask yourself what went wrong in past relationships or what has led to fights in this relationship. Do you notice any patterns that carried over from relationship to relationship? These are good areas to work on. Perhaps you had a bad habit of not alerting your partner to changes in plans, being chronically late, or not following through on desired tasks (like taking out the garbage or buying groceries). Examine the old patterns and determine to improve them. Reflect on what did not work well in past relationships (or previously in this relationship) and think of ways to approach situations differently. What can you do differently this time around? Take responsibility for creating change in yourself. Become a better communicator, be more romantic, or determine to spend more time with your partner. By showing you care and by being supportive, you can use these opportunities to become a better person. For more information on changing bad habits, check out How to Change Bad Habits and How to Get Rid of Bad Habits.
Change together. In long-term relationships, many changes can occur. You may change, your partner may change, and ultimately, these changes affect the relationship. Events can also change the relationship: moving, starting university, getting a new job, or having a baby can all greatly affect a relationship. Check in regularly with your partner and ask what changes are occurring and how they are positively or negatively affecting the relationship. How are your actions helping or hurting the relationship, and how are they affecting the overall quality of the relationship? Avoid growing apart as a result of change; instead, grow together. For instance, if your partner starts a new job, don’t let the long hours get in the way of spending time together. Find new ways to spend quality time together, such as cooking together or reading a book together. Do your part to adapt well to change. It’s not your responsibility how your partner adapts, so keep the focus on what action you can take to adapt to change and be supportive of your partner. When you notice yourself not adapting well or not checking in with your partner, set aside some time to talk. Talk about how to support each other and contribute to the quality of the relationship.
Developing Better Communication
Listen. When your partner speaks, listen intently. Don’t plan out what you want to say, but give your partner your full attention. When listening to your partner, pay attention to all your partner is saying, both in words and in non-verbal communication. Make eye contact and turn toward your partner. Turn off the tv and don’t allow yourself to become distracted. Active listening includes reflecting on what your partner says for accurate understanding. For instance, you can say, “I hear you saying that you’ve had a hard day and are wanting to relax tonight.”
Express your emotions. Be willing to be open with your partner, share your feelings, and share your insecurities. When you are happy, upset, angry, hurt, or disappointed, let your partner know what’s going on. The more you hide from your partner, the less you involve your partner in your own life. Remember that your partner is not a mind-reader and cannot assume what you want or need. Share your feelings and allow your partner to do the same. If you feel hurt by something your partner did, gently bring it up in a way that does not include blame. Say, “It hurt my feelings when you chose to spend time with your friend when we had already made plans together. It made me feel like I was less important to you than your friend.”
Express empathy. Empathy helps you relate to others better and understand others. Increasing empathy means being a better listener, understanding others better, and “getting” your partner’s emotional experience more and more. Empathy helps to resolve conflicts and heal emotional wounds. Be empathetic toward your partner and his or her experiences. If your partner has a hard day, ask what things can help. If your partner is complaining about difficulties with parents, listen and be supportive. Show your partner that you care about the emotional experience and want to support it.
Forgive. Forgiveness is the cornerstone of a relationship. It can be difficult to accept that other people do not see the world as you see it and that perceptions vary considerably, even within the same situation. Forgiveness means decreasing negative feelings toward the offending person and increasing compassion. It means walking away from the urge to punish the person or demand any sort of restitution. Remember that no one is perfect and that you will undoubtedly feel let down at some point in your relationship. Determine to be forgiving to your partner and practice letting go of the negative feelings.
Increasing Positive Experiences in the Relationship
Express positivity. Perhaps you notice your critical nature when you take your partner out to eat, feeling the need to criticize the food, wait service, or restaurant. Or you may be critical of movies you watch together. Abate your criticism and focus on expressing pleasure and happiness when together. Focusing on positive aspects can help you show your partner that you enjoy spending time together. Express how happy you are when you’re with your partner. Let your partner know you enjoy his or her company and that you enjoy sharing experiences together.
Act kindly. Be kind to your partner at all times, even when it’s difficult to do so. If you feel lovingly toward your partner or if you feel angry or upset toward your partner, you can always respond and act in kindness. Being kind to others can help your own happiness, too. For the next 10 days, do one kind thing for your partner each day. This can include packing lunch, folding the laundry, buying a gift, or make your partner dinner. Then, see how you feel and how your relationship changes. For more information, check out How to Be Kind.
Express gratitude. Living in a grateful manner can have huge health implications, including decreasing depression, improving relationships, strengthening your immune system, and increasing overall happiness. Express gratitude in your relationship. Express gratitude for your partner being in your life, for the experiences you share, and for the things your partner does to make the relationship better for each of you. Write a letter of gratitude to your partner. Say all of the things you appreciate about your partner. Your partner will feel appreciated and you will also get a boost of happiness.
Taking Care of Yourself
Practice self love. Having compassion for yourself is an excellent foundation for a relationship. Practice being gentle toward yourself in times of failure and disappointment. Practicing compassion toward yourself helps you be more compassionate toward other people, including your romantic partner. Compassion is an important part of a healthy relationship. Take care of your body, and take care of your mental and emotional health. Monitor your negative thoughts about yourself, and engage in healthy thoughts about your body, abilities, and self. For more information, check out How to Love Yourself.
Get plenty of sleep. Sleep deprivation can greatly impact your daily functioning, but it can also have great influence in your relationship. Do you notice you become snappier, more irritable or less pleasant with your partner when you haven’t rested well? Sleep can affect your mental alertness, energy levels, and mood. You may have difficulty controlling your emotions, feel irritable, require naps, or have difficulty concentrating when not getting enough sleep. Most adults need 7 and a half hours to 9 hours of sleep per night, and children need more sleep. Also, encourage your partner to sleep well. Go to bed and wake up at the same time every day. Following a schedule can help your body settle into a routine. Also, resist the urge to nap or go to bed early, even if you’re sleepy. Instead, do a light activity like making a phone call or cleaning up dinner. If you have a hard time settling down before bed, do some relaxation techniques to help calm your mind and body. Practice breathing exercises or engage in some mindful meditation, deep breathing, or relaxation before falling asleep. For more information, check out How to Sleep Better.
Exercise regularly. Exercise can benefit both your body and your mind. People who exercise tend to be happier, less stressed, and less depressed. Exercising helps you deal with stress and can help you in your relationship. The many benefits of exercise include mental and emotional well-being, reducing physical health risks, boosting mood, improving sex life, promoting sleep, and boosting energy. Exercising as a couple can help you commit to regularly exercising and improving your health. Find time to exercise with your partner, go to the gym together, or take a yoga or cycling class together.
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