How to Be Nice, Even When You're Angry

Calming Your Anger

Avoid responding to someone while you are angry. If you are speaking to someone and something they have done or said has angered you, give yourself time to respond. You're more likely to give the person a productive response (and less likely to be mean) if you allow yourself to cool down first. You might need to make up an excuse, but tell the person that you will have to get back to her in a little while. If you can't think of anything else to say, you can just say “excuse me for a few minutes,” then step outside and get your temper under control before you respond.

Consider how your thoughts, feelings, and actions interrelate. Though they can be difficult to separate at times, your thoughts affect your feelings. Your feelings, in turn, affect your actions. Thus, if you want to change your actions, you can start by changing your thoughts (which will change your feelings). For example, if you think, “My life sucks!” then you may feel depressed or angry and you can in turn act out in a negative way, by sulking or by slamming doors. If, however, you change your thought to “this is challenging, but I can handle it,” you will feel less angry, and your actions will improve accordingly. However, realize that even though thoughts and feelings relate to actions, you can always choose to act (or not act) a certain way. You may not always be able to choose your thoughts or feelings. Know that it may take time to change the way that you choose to act, and you might not always make the best decision in the moment. That's okay; being mindful and trying to change is heading in the right direction.

Go outside. Take a break on a bench outdoors or take a little nature walk to calm yourself down. Finding a change of scenery from what made you angry and enjoying the gifts of nature can help you get your anger under control so that you can be nicer to others. If possible, take a brisk walk. The exercise can help calm you down, and being outdoors may improve your mood.

Make yourself laugh. This may seem difficult when you're really anger, but if you can find a reason to laugh, the humor will overcome the anger in your body. A good laugh can help you break out of your angry mindset and make you more pleasant for others to be around. Trying to find humor in a situation, or getting yourself laughing about something else, can diffuse the situation by actually changing your body's chemical reaction from anger to humor. If someone accidentally shreds an important document, your first reaction may be to yell at them out of anger. However, you may be able to stop yourself and think of a humorous scene in your favorite TV show about a misunderstanding that led to someone shredding the wrong document. Laughing about that can keep you from becoming too angry.

Meditate to calm your mind. Meditation can help you regulate your emotions, which can help you communicate with others in a nicer way. Therefore, if you are feeling as though you might be unkind to someone due to feeling angry, give yourself a little mental refresher through meditation. Find a private, quiet place, then follow the following sequence: Breathe deeply and slowly. Deep breaths can slow your heart rate and make you feel calmer. Your breaths should be deep enough that your belly extends outwards on the “in” breath. Picture a golden-white light filling your body as you breathe in. Picture that light filling and relaxing your mind. When you breathe out, visualize dark, muddy colors leaving your body. Once you are calm from your meditation, you should feel more ready to speak to others in a kind way.

Interacting with Others

Respect other people. It is important to respect others when you are making a choice about how to act in (or react to) a given situation. Having empathy for the way that others feel can go a long way to helping you maintain positive communication with others. Think about how you would feel if someone lashed out at you because she was angry—whether or not you were the source of anger—and try to use that to inform your own communication. Unfortunately, many people find that they inadvertently direct their anger towards their children. If you are angry or irritated about something and your child asks you “why is the sky blue” for the 1,000th time or asks you to help them finish a 3-week project hours before it is due, it is all too easy to snap at them. However, remembering that you respect them and would not want them to snap or yell at you might help you interact more kindly with them.

Use assertive expression of your anger. Rather than expressing yourself passively (being angry without saying anything) or aggressively (exploding in a way that may seem disproportionate to the stressor), try assertive communication. To practice assertive expression, use the facts involved (not exaggerated by emotion) to communicate requests (rather than demands) of others in a respectful way. Communicate clearly and express your feelings effectively so that everyone's needs are met. For example, if your carpool ride is late every day, instead of never saying anything but feeling angry (passive) or exploding at the driver and calling her names (aggressive), try to communicate your frustration with assertive expression. You might say, “I really enjoy carpooling with you, Jane, but I feel frustrated that you are 5-10 minutes late most days. I know that it may not seem like a big deal, but it causes me to feel stressed and behind schedule before my day begins, and I would really appreciate it if you could try to leave a little earlier in the future.”

Be nice with your body as well as your words. Communication is not all about words. Your words can be completely polite while your body language or actions are communicating anger. When angry, you may find that your muscles are tight and rigid. This may send a signal to others that you are not approachable. You may want to try using progressive muscle relaxation—a process by which you tense and then release all of the muscles in your body—to try to get the anger out of your body as well as your mind.

Maintaining a Positive Lifestyle

Sleep 7-8 hours every night. You need to get plenty of sleep every night to thrive. Being sleep deprived can contribute to a wide range of health problems, including the inability to manage emotions properly. Getting adequate sleep can help you have the patience and understanding to maintain relationships with others regardless of your emotional state. If you have chronic sleep problems, consult your physician. You may be able to make dietary or lifestyle changes to improve your sleep. You may also be able to try herbal or medicinal supplements to sleep more.

Exercise daily. Exercise can help you feel less angry in the moment by releasing endorphins into your body. Regular exercise can also help you regulate your emotions in general. You may find that getting regular exercise gives you more energy throughout the day, which can help you be productive and patient without getting irritated with other people.

Eat a healthy diet. Choosing foods that are more nutritious and lower in sugar and fat can boost your energy, improve your overall health, and contribute to a happier mood in general. Choose whole foods that are minimally processed. Eat more fruits, veggies, lean meats, and legumes. Think of them as all-day energy and abundant nutrition for your body that can leave you more equipped to be nice to other people! Avoid foods such as candy bars, soda, cake, doughnuts, and pastries, which lead to massive energy crashes and offer no nutrition and added calories.