Can polyamorous relationships work?
Yes, polyamorous relationships can absolutely be successful. It takes a lot of courage, honesty, and communication to make a polyamorous relationship work. If you can handle that and you believe that it’s possible to love more than one person, polyamory can absolutely work. However, it does take a certain set of beliefs and personality traits. If it isn’t right for you, that’s totally okay. Studies indicate that roughly 1 in 6 people want to try polyamory, while 1 in 9 have been in a polyamorous arrangement of some sort. Roughly 1 in 3 people who have been in a polyamorous relationship before would not want to be in one again, so it’s clearly not for everybody.
Poly relationships can work just as well as monogamous relationships. When it comes to the quality of the relationship, people in polyamorous arrangements tend to be just as happy as monogamous couples. They also tend to be just as healthy and rewarding as well. As a result, it doesn’t seem like there’s a huge difference between poly and monogamous relationships when it comes to how satisfying they are.
Reasons Why Poly Relationships Work
Polyamorous relationships can be very emotionally fulfilling. If you have more than one person in your life who can show you affection, ask you about your day, or talk to you about how you’re feeling, it’s easy to feel emotionally complete. Also, since you’re spreading your needs out among more than one person, poly folks tend to not have to do as much “emotional labor” for their partners. If one of your partners is having a rough day and really wants to be left alone, you can just go to another partner. In other words, you’re likely to always have someone there for you!
It’s easy to have your sexual needs met with more than one partner. Polyamorous folks tend to be very happy with their sex lives. This may be because polyamorous people are super communicative about their physical needs. It’s also possible that simply having more partners available means you have more options when you’re in the mood to be intimate. With that said, having more sex isn't all that polyamorous relationships are about. Polyamorous people are capable of loving more than one person, not just sleeping with them.
There’s a lot of practical support and help in a poly arrangement. It’s easy to tackle financial roadblocks, or care for a child if you have multiple people to lean on. There are just so many practical resources. Need to move some furniture? You’ve extra hands on deck. Need a lift to a job interview? There’s always someone around to give you a ride. Polyamorous folks tend to experience a nice sense of community in their relationships as a result.
Challenges and Issues with Poly Arrangements
Some people find polyamorous relationships to be too much work. Having more than one romantic partner means that you have more than one person to check in on, care for, and spend time with. Depending on the size and hierarchy of a poly arrangement, it can be a lot of emotional work. It can also be a bigger time investment. People in poly relationships may end up with less “alone time” as a result, especially if they live with all of their partners.
If you’re even a little naturally jealous, polyamory may be tough. Knowing that someone you care about is spending time with another person romantically can be hard. It’s natural to be jealous sometimes, but you really have to be open-minded and have no problem with your partner sleeping with or seeing other people for a polyamorous relationship to work. For a lot of folks, that’s a tall order. This isn’t to say it’s bad to experience jealousy. A little bit of jealousy is totally natural in a relationship. Polyamorous people just need to be really, really good at managing those feelings in a productive way.
On a practical level, society is designed around monogamy. The world does not make things easy for polyamorous people. Polyamorous people may experience trouble accessing adequate (and empathetic) medical care. You can’t marry more than one person, which can be difficult if you’re in a committed poly relationship. In general, things can just be harder—especially since so many people are closed-minded about polyamory. It can be hard to explain your relationship to friends or family members, and you may be discriminated against or bullied for being polyamorous.
How long do poly relationships last?
On average, about 5-8 years. Polyamorous relationships tend to last quite a while. Since polyamorous people tend to be communicative, open, honest, and emotionally available, they tend to be very good at managing conflict and making decisions as a collective. This lends itself to longer, sustainable relationships most of the time. Many polyamorous arrangements involve one “primary” couple and a “secondary” partner. Primary relationships last 8 years on average, while secondary relationships make it around 5 years.
How do I know if polyamory is right for me?
It’s worth exploring if you think it’s right for you. There are no “rules” about who can or cannot be polyamorous. If you think it’s possible to love more than one person and you’re capable of managing (potentially) messy feelings, you can be polyamorous. If you do prefer monogamy—and many people do—that’s okay, too. It’s not like you can’t go back to monogamy if you find polyamory to be too difficult to manage for you.
You may be a good candidate for polyamory if you’re extroverted. People who prefer polyamorous arrangements tend to be social, agreeable, and friendly. They also tend to be risk takers who have had a lot of vibrant life experiences. If you’re the life of the party and you experience boundless love for more than one person, polyamory might be right for you. Polyamorous folks also tend to be extremely trusting and honest, with a low level of jealousy.
Polyamory might be tough if you’re naturally anxious or jealous. People who have high levels of these emotions usually have a tough time in polyamorous relationships. It can also be challenging to be poly if you shy away from conflict, or prefer concrete boundaries. The biggest determining factor in whether polyamory is right for you is whether you think it’s right for you or not. All different kinds of people find themselves in polyamorous relationships, so you should only rule it out if you’re not interested in it.
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